No-See-Ums

Margie: Edna, I was just in the garden gathering some cucumbers. I'm telling you these mosquitos are awful this year. They bite me day and night. They've done that since I was a little girl.

I looked them up on Giggle and it says they like sweet things. That must be true, Edna, because I'm one of the sweetest things around. Do you think that's why they bite me?

Edna: Margie, your capacity for self-delusion is truly astounding. The only time you were the sweetest thing around was when you made that lemonade and forgot to add the sugar.

But I'll tell you what, I can't stand those little biting no-see-ums either. I'm not going outside again this summer without some of my Avon Skin-So-Soft, that stuff is amazing for keeping bugs from biting.

Margie: I needed some repellent too so I borrowed some change off your dresser.

Edna, you think you're so smart so answer a question. I know about no-see-ums but how do people know they exist if you can't see um? Is it possible to turn a person into a no-see-um?

Edna: Oh Margie, how I wish it were.

Edna's Excellent Adventure

Edna: Margie, I've had it up to here with your constant nonsense, so you know what? I'm taking a vacation without you. I sold some of my old jewelry that Joe gave me while we were married, and I have enough to go on a short cruise. Hasta la vista, baby!

Margie: Thank the Lord for answering my prayers. You being gone will be my vacation for sure. Hop on down the road, fruit loop.

As you said, hasty up the vista. Yee haw!

Edna: Don't get too excited, I won't be gone forever. Just long enough to pick me up a sugar daddy, I hear there are all kinds of well-to-do gentlemen these cruises.

You know, I've wanted to go on a cruise ever since that Love Boat was on the television. Such a crush I had on that Captain Stubing!

Margie: Edna, you're not very bright. If you are going to try to pick up a sugar daddy then you'll be gone a very long time. You best take some running shoes if you plan to chase the gentlemen when they try to get away from you.

Be sure to climb to the highest point on the ship so you can look down and have a good view of all the men on deck.

Edna: Just for that snide remark, I won't be bringing you back any souvenirs. Now come help me pack, and bring that bikini you bought last week. I have a feeling I might need it.

Sunday Funnies

Two sad goodbyes

In a sad and surprising coincidence, America lost two pop culture icons yesterday: Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Farrah Fawcett had been struggling with cancer for some time; still, her death on Thursday was no less sad for having anticipated it. In a shocking coincidence, Michael Jackson also died yesterday after having gone into cardiac arrest at his home in California. Say what you will about Mr. Jackson's personal life and legal problems, you cannot deny his lasting contributions to the music industry. Ms. Fawcett also greatly contributed to American pop culture through her acting roles in movies and on television.

There will be many blogs talking about the life and times of both of these stars today. We would simply like to say that our thoughts and prayers go to their children and their loved ones. They will be missed.

The Tootsie Pops

Margie: Edna, I was having a piece of hard candy today and it reminded me of Daddy. Remember when we were girls and we'd wait for him to come home from work? He'd give us each a piece of hard candy. I loved peppermint.

Mama always had to scold you because you tried to eat your candy before dinner. I can hear Mama saying, " Edna, candy is to be eaten after your dinner." Glutton.

Edna: Margie, why must you take a nice memory and turn it into a chance to insult me? Not only that, but you're a big fat liar! Mama never said that to me, she said that to you.

I always loved horehound candy, I wish they'd start carrying that again down at the general store.

Margie: Edna, why do I bother trying to be nice to you? You're delusional and you never recall anything bad you did.

Here's some good news, sister. Go get your credit card because I've found a website that sells candy from our young days. I'd like to have some of these candy cigarettes. Mama hated those.

Edna: If you think I'm buying you any candy after you were so mean and hateful you're nuts, sister. And Mama didn't like those candy cigarettes because she thought they were low-class. It just figures you'd like those.

I always liked Tootsie Pops, I wonder if that website has those? You know, I had a boyfriend once who called me "Tootsie Pop."

Margie: Edna, forget it. You just made me want to barf. I don't have an appetite for candy after that Tootsie Pop remark. Gag.

Margie and Edna's trip to the library

Edna: Margie, how about you tell our nice readers about that embarrassing incident you started the other day at the library. Go ahead, tell them.

Margie: Why must you lie, Edna? It was you who acted out in the library. Do you really think I'd show out in my former place of employment?

Dear readers, my sister is not a nice person. Never go to the library with her and try to pick out a movie to watch.

Edna: I can see I can't trust you to tell an accurate version of events, so I'll just explain to our readers what really happened.

Yes, Margie and I did go to the library to pick out a movie to watch. But she was being her mean and hateful self, as usual, and she wouldn't agree with any of the wonderful movies I had picked out.

Margie: Edna threw a hissy fit because I wanted to get a nice Western. Edna wants to watch dancing or love stories. Give me a manly man and horse movie any time.

Edna, there was no need to yell in the library. I hope somebody tells Pastor.

Edna: Oh no, I'm not the one who was making all that noise and causing the library patrons to look at us like we were heathens. Didn't you see that young mother hustling her children away from you while you were having your conniption fit? She told me as she went by that she hoped my sister learned to control herself better in public. She meant you, you harpy.

And what's wrong with dancing or love stories? All you do with those Westerns is tell lies about how you used to date all the handsome actors. Besides, I look at a horse's rear end across the dinner table every single day, I for sure don't want to look at any more on the TV.

Margie: Edna, as usual you have lied to try to make yourself look good. You are trash but try so hard to hide it.

There's nothing wrong with dancing or love stories if we could hear them in the English language. Lord a mercy, that French screeching gets on my nerves.

I know, Edna. I always hold the mirror up at the dinner table so you can look at yourself and I don't have to. Ruin my appetite.

Edna: You see how she talks to me, folks? Margie, I hope you've got a back-up plan, because that security guard said they're not letting us back there for at least a month. That's the only place in town that had free movies, I hope you're proud of yourself.

Margie: I am proud because I have friends who will let me in and I'll get the movies I want to see for a change. Spoiled brat.

Margie: Bathing Beauty

Margie: Edna, I am not a summer person. I hate this heat. I'm finally going to do something about it.

If you don't want me to go nekkid in the yard then you best look at these bathing suits I picked out and tell me which one would look best on my curvy body.

Edna: Just how many of those bathing suits are you planning on wearing at a time, Margie? You're going to need at least five if you want to cover all your curves.

Oh, all right, if I must choose then I like the one on the left. I'd best go call the neighbors and warn them you'll be out and about, flaunting your whatnot out in the front yard. They'll want to make sure they keep their children safely inside the house.

Margie: Good Lord, what an idiot you are! Why would I want to cover my curves, Edna? I'm going to get the bathing suit that shows the most curves then I'm pulling my lawn chair out by the mailbox. I'll lay and wait to see which gentleman stops first.

You worry about your own whatnot, nut case.

Happy Father's Day

Image courtesy of dan-e-boy56.

Margie: Edna and I wish all a very Happy Father's Day.

Fun Friday

Thanks to funny.com


Margie: Well, that's sure the truth as I know in my life.

The Today Show

Margie: Edna, I do love to watch the Today show with that Hoda and Kathie Lee. You know how I like shows that sharpen this old brain and keep me smart. For instance, did you know that Hoda is Egyptian? I think she was born in one of those pyramids. Like King Sut. Whatever his name is.

Edna: Oh good Lord, you mean King TUT, you ninny. Hoda and Kathie Lee would never have you on for an interview, you'd send their ratings into the toilet with your nonsense. But if you do go on their show, be sure and ask Hoda if she was born in a pyramid and see how fast you get escorted off the set.

Margie: Edna, it's not Hoda who worries me. She seems very sweet. It's Kathie Lee who scares me.

Did you know Kathie Lee is married to that football star Frank Gifford? Yes, Frank. We dated before Kathie Lee came along. If I tell that story then I suppose Kathie would call security. I could tell her some stories though. Do you think she'd like the one about strip football?

Edna: First of all, I can't believe that you expect our readers to believe that big whopper of a lie you just told. You dated Frank Gifford? Maybe in your imagination, you floozy.

But I'll tell you this, that Kathie Lee scares me too. She looks like she could snap at any minute, doesn't she? I used to watch her on her old show and I didn't like her much then, either.

Margie: That's the truth, Edna. Remember when Kathie Lee was on that show with Regis? You know he's the one who owns all those Regis banks.

There were times when I thought she was going to knock him in the floor. I bet she doesn't bank with him.

Edna: Good God a-mighty woman, It's REGIONS bank, not REGIS bank. I highly doubt that Mr. Regis Philbin owns that bank, or any other bank for that matter.

Be honest Margie, you say those kinds of things just to annoy me, don't you? No one can be that moronic.

Margie: Edna, I'll challenge you to see who is a moron. Kathie Lee was on that show called "Name That Tune." Let's go play and watch me beat you.

I can name that tune in 2 notes.

Edna: Well, I can name that moron in two syllables.

Margie: Edna, you can ruin anything I do believe.

A-Googling we will go...

Edna: Like most blogs, we get people coming to visit us from all sorts of different places, and we get a lot of hits from search engines. Some search queries we don't want to share in mixed company, people ought to be ashamed. But what's interesting is that we get a lot of regular visits on some very specific terms.

Margie, did you know that for some reason, people come to our blog pretty frequently after searching for "suspenders"?

Margie: Well, I'm searching for suspenders too, Edna. I'd like to find them on that Jensen Ackles. That's another term people search for and I sure understand that.

Edna, do you know what I'd like to do with Jensen's suspenders?

Edna: Margie, I have a surprise for you. Did you know that suspenders is a British slang term for garter belt? People must be awfully surprised and disappointed when they get to our blog and see our post on Jensen Ackles WEARING suspenders. Although, if we were blogging about Jensen Ackles wearing a garter belt, it would be a whole different blog altogether, wouldn't it?

Margie: Edna, if Jensen wore garter belts then I'd not blog about him at all. I like my men to be manly men.

Speaking of manly men, Edna, we have a lot of folks searching for the term Sears catalog. I suppose that's understandable. I always enjoyed looking at the men's underwear too. The tighter the better.

Edna: Margie, your crassness is showing, dear. The ironic thing is that people also frequently come to us from Google after searching for "qualities of a lady." Quite frankly, if they knew that YOU were the one to write that post, they'd run the other way.

Margie: Listen up floozy. Let's talk about people who search for Gary Sandy. Who wrote about him? Huh, hussy?

Who said they liked his tight britches? You best clean around your own porch first, Edna, before you try to clean mine. Nitwit!

Edna: Clearly I'm not the only person who likes his tight britches, people come look at that post almost every day. You're just jealous because people really love something that I wrote. So kiss my grits, you old crow.

Margie: Edna, I regret that I only have one behind to tell you to kiss!

Margie and Edna do some kissing up

Edna: Margie, I know we've written posts in the past talking about some of our favorite products, with the hopes that the companies might send us free stuff. But those posts have been kind of a bust, so I have an idea that might get those big corporation's attention.

Margie: Maybe we could make up a recipe. These companies like to see their products in a recipe.

How about Hershey's Chocolate Butterfinger Godiva See's Cake?

Edna: I'd for sure eat that cake! I can see that you've guessed my idea: make as many mentions of products that we can in a short blog post.

You know, I was thinking that the companies might like to know that I often sit in front of my Dell computer drinking Dr. Pepper, eating Mint Oreos and talking on my Nokia cell phone. All while listening to my iPod and using Bath and Body Works' Coconut Lime Verbena body lotion while I try to find something good to watch on my LG Flat-Panel LCD HDTV.

Margie: I like that one, sister. Maybe Neutrogena would like to know that I take them with me in the shower after I've eaten Little Debbie cakes and had a glass of Meadow Gold milk. After my shower I brush the chocolate away with Crest and Listerine. Then I rub my young looking body with Oil of Olay lotion which makes me look fabulous.

I then crawl into my bed of Martha Stewart sheets and read an Amazon.com book.

Edna: You know, nothing would make me sleep better at night than a Sealy Posturepedic mattress. Too bad I don't have one, which is why I take Advil Liqui-Gels for my bad back. Of course, a slice of your Hershey's Chocolate Butterfinger Godiva See's Cake might heal up my back right quick!

Margie: I'm on my way to the kitchen, sister. Just call me Betty Crocker!

Sunday Funnies

Margie: Where are my spectacles? That looks like Edna and me!

Fun Friday

Margie and Edna would like to salute Former First Lady Barbara Bush, who celebrated her 84th birthday recently with a handsome guest.

Now that's our kind of party! Happy Birthday, Mrs. Bush.

*photo courtesy tmz.com

Richmond Farm Produce

Image property of Fifi LePew on flickr.

Margie: Edna, come quick and see what I've found on the back porch. I think the Easter Bunny has paid us a visit. I'm so excited.

Edna: I'll come look, but you'd best not be luring me out here for some nefarious purpose. The last time you had me come look at something you found on the back porch, I almost tossed my cookies because the yard cats had left us a dead mouse.

What's got you all fired up this time, you nitwit?

Margie: See how nasty you are, Edna? I'm not sharing! That sweet Stanley Richmond has left us a stack of corn, some apples, some apple cider, and some squash. I can eat and drink this by myself. I'll tell Stanley how ungrateful you are too.

Edna: Oh my goodness, that was very sweet of Stanley! I know they usually try to sell everything they have at their farm stand, so it was nice of him to leave some goodies for us. You know, there's nothing quite like locally grown produce. We should have some corn for dinner tonight, I'd best go get my good dentures.

I wonder when their fruit trees are going to start producing? I've got a hankering for some peach pie.

Margie: Peach cobbler. Yum. Oh, I want watermelon and strawberries too. Maybe a rhubarb pie.

Edna, your dentures won't be good for long as I know how you eat an ear of corn.

Edna: Margie, even your insults can't get me down, I'm too excited about the fresh produce and cider. I think that cider will taste good later tonight with a splash of special tea in it, what do you think?

Margie: I say cider with special tea requires no dentures. WooHoo!

Mama and Daddy and Atlantic City

Edna: My lands, Margie, come see what I found! I was looking through a box up in the attic and I ran across this letter from Mama and Daddy when they went to Atlantic City. Do you remember that?

Margie: I remember you being scared that they'd come back home and find out you hadn't been an angel. I was always good and they brought me salt water taffy.

Edna: It's been so long, I guess I can't expect you to remember everything perfectly, you lying liar. You know, Mama told us later that they took that trip because they couldn't take a honeymoon when they first got married and Daddy promised her a big trip later. It sure sounds like they had fun.

Here, listen to the letter:

April 12, 1927

Dear Girls,

Hello from Atlantic City! Your Daddy and I are having a marvelous time here, but we surely do miss the two of you. Daddy's told everyone here what angels you are, and I certainly hope you're behaving like angels for your Aunt Biddy. You just remember her nerves and mind your manners for her until we get home.

Daddy and I are having such fun, we drank lemonade on the beach yesterday. We're staying at a grand hotel called the Traymore, and tonight we're going to the Steel Pier. You won't see the likes of this place anywhere near Jericho, Kansas!

We'll be home soon, girls!

Love, Mama and Daddy

Edna: Gosh, I remember Mama giving me the kewpie doll they brought back from the boardwalk. You had one too, but you broke yours. I was just little, but I remember Aunt Biddy yelling at you for running up and down the stairs.

Look, there was a picture with the letter:

Margie: Edna, you sure have a terrible memory. I didn't break my doll, hussy, you threw it on the floor and told Aunt Biddy I did it.

I miss our folks, Edna. I sure hope they're together now in that big hotel in the clouds. I'll see them again one day but I know who won't!

++++++++++++++

Photo courtesy of the Duke University Digital Collections.

To learn more about the Atlantic City Steel Pier, go here.

Go here to learn more about the historic Traymore Hotel.

Summer TV

Margie: Edna, it's a crying shame that we have all these channels and I can't find a good TV show that interests me. Just because it's summer doesn't mean that all of us are doing other things instead of watching TV.

When folks get to be our age TV is about all we have to enjoy in the summer. We can't go outside and fall out from heat stroke or some such ailment. What do you think, sister?

Edna: Trust me, Margie, you don't want to know what I really think.

But I will say this, I hate it when my favorite show goes on summer hiatus. You go along great guns during the regular TV season, getting caught up in the story, then BAM! They yank the rug out from under you and make you wait precious months out of your life before you can find out what happens next. It's criminal, I tell you.

Margie: It surely is criminal. I'd like to know what idiot thinks I'll like these summer replacements. One of them is The Listener so I watched to see if I might like it. Well, the main character looks like he should still be in kindergarten and the storyline has been done on every show in every kind of way so it was boring.

I miss Ed Sullivan and Hee Haw and Lawrence Welk. Remember them, Edna?

Edna: Of course I remember them, although I always thought that Lawrence Welk was a little dry and dusty. Now Hee Haw, that was a show!

Margie, I've decided I'm going to let you watch all the summer replacement shows and you can tell me which ones to watch. While you're doing that, I'm going to spend my evenings down at the retirement home entertaining the available gentlemen.

Margie: Floozy, floozy, floozy! I'm not going to tell you what to watch because you don't deserve to know! I'm going to call CBS and tell them I've got a floozy who needs her own reality show. That'll give folks something to watch.

Besides, knowing CBS, they'll cancel you and maybe then I'll be rid of you for good. Floozy.

Edna: Well, this floozy plans on borrowing your diamond earbobs for my visits to the retirement home, so just fork 'em over.

And believe you me, I would welcome TV cameras into this house, because then the whole world could see just how poorly you treat me. I bet I'd get lots of wonderful fan mail, too. Margie, go ahead and call the network, I like this idea.

Margie:

Sunday Funnies

Fun Friday

Margie: I thought I'd share something special with you today. It's something Edna missed out on and I'm grateful for that.

Yes, I met a Playgirl centerfold named Jim Cavaretta. This was way back in the 60's but who cares? You know he made an impression on me since I can still see him and that picture in my memory!

If you ever have a chance to see that issue then you should take it. He made a fine nekkid picture!!

I should also add that he and his sisters were delightful and I appreciate the amount of time they spent with me. Nice folks.

Margie and Sandra Lee

Margie: Edna, look how pretty I look today. This yellow dress is so becoming with my yellow shoes and this white bow in my hair. I don't look a day over 29. Isn't it nice to feel so lovely and girlish?

Edna: Oh my Lord. The doctor told me when you get like this, I'm supposed to go along with your delusions, so here goes. Yes Margie, you look very nice today! What's the occasion? You don't usually get this dressed up just for me, that's for sure.

Margie: I invited the pastor and his wife over for dinner. It'll be fun because I know how you like that Sandra Lee on the Food Network and I've made sure everything matches.

My outfit matches our kitchen curtains, the tablecloth, and the food. You need to go put on something that matches too.

Edna: You're right, I do like that Sandra Lee! She's so creative, and I just love how she mixes homemade items with prepared food, it's very clever how she does it.

I have noticed that she tends to match her set to what she's wearing, and sometimes even to the color of the food. But Margie, are you sure this is a good idea? I doubt even Sandra would do that with the pastor coming to dinner.

Margie: Edna, who died and left you in charge? You constantly find fault with me. I invited our guests and I can do as I please.

Go call Sandra if you don't like it. You best mind your manners too.

Edna: Good Lord, I try and be the voice of reason and tact and this is the thanks I get! Well fine, go ahead and have your yellow color-coordinated lunch, but don't expect me to join in. I'm going to go put on a red dress. And I'd better not find out that you used my credit card to buy all those yellow place mats, tablecloths, curtains, and...good heavens, is that a yellow checkered area rug?

You have plumb lost your mind.

Margie: Edna, I'm going to ask the pastor to pray for you. And, I don't think Mrs. Pastor will approve of your red dress.

Edna: Don't you worry about Mrs. Pastor, Margie. She'll be so blinded by all the yellow, she won't even notice my dress.

The hunkiest man in the Basement is...

Mr. Paul Newman!

Thank you all for voting in our "Hunkiest" poll! We were excited that so many of you voted, and the poll produced some interesting results. James Garner took a surprising early lead, but Paul Newman soon emerged as the front-runner and never gave up the lead after that. It just goes to show that hunkiness is not restricted by age, since the two younger men in the poll (Jensen Ackles and Gilles Marini) never did really catch up to the old-timers.

One other thing we learned: if we have a poll like this again, next time we'll include an "other" option, since our readers were quite vocal in suggesting their own favorite hunks. Never let it be said that our readers don't have minds of their own!

Who is the hunkiest of them all?

Dear Readers,

As most of you know, here at the Basement we enjoy admiring aesthetically pleasing men. Sometimes, though, we disagree about who is the most attractive. (But only rarely, since arguing is so unladylike and we do strive to be classy and gracious, even when the other person is being totally unreasonable and idiotic. But we digress...)

We would like your help deciding which hunk is the hunkiest. The choices are below, please cast your vote in the poll at the end of the post. We'll leave the poll up until Wednesday night at 10PM EST, and we'll be announcing the results shortly thereafter.

Love, Margie and Edna

The candidates....

Jensen Ackles

James Garner

Gilles Marini

Paul Newman

Top Droppers For May

Thank you all for your drops on Margie and Edna.

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