Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Love and Marriage


Edna: Folks who have been married long enough find that with time and experience comes wisdom. Below are a few of our favorite bits of wisdom about marriage.

“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.” -Minnie Pearl

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown

"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson

“They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck

Monday, June 27, 2011

Think with your head, not your heart


Edna: Margie, I just talked to the neighbor girl, she's all distraught because her boyfriend ran away with all her money. Can you believe such a thing? I remember when she first met him, she was over the moon. Looks like it didn't turn out too well, though.

Margie: Sounds like she has your taste in losers, sister. It's like I always say about not trusting anybody these days. They want your money or your unmentionables or anything else they can get. Why don't folks work anymore?

Edna: Well, why would they? Either you live off the government or you find some unsuspecting sap to steal from. I told that girl when she met him that she should do a Google search to see if anything came up, but she was so starry-eyed that she ignored me. Well, I did a Google search on him this morning, and wouldn't you know I found out that he has outstanding warrants for check forgery and larceny.

Love is all well and good, but you should protect yourself above all else.

Margie: Edna, you should be a private detective and get paid for snooping! You are right about one thing and that's protecting yourself above all else. I believe you shouldn't trust anybody until you've known them a long time and they've shown themselves to be trustworthy. Of course, love is blind as everyone knows. I don't think these online meetings are very safe. Too many unsavory characters around.

Edna: Well, you would know about unsavory characters. I guess what gets my goat is that she actually let herself be taken advantage of. She allowed that man to use her debit card and she gave him her pin number. Not only that, but she let him buy things under her name, so now she's responsible for paying for them. I swan, even you know better than to do something foolish like that.

I told her she needs to call the bank and report her money missing, then she needs to call the police. Do you know what she said to me? She said if she called the police and got him arrested, then he'd never want to get back together with her. If you've ever heard anything so idiotic in your life, I'd sure like to hear it, because that just takes the cake.

Margie: Hold on, Edna, and let me think. I've sure heard of a lot of idiotic things but I guess I won't mention them or you'll hide my remote. Anyway, that does take the cake. Never mix your man and your money is my motto. Use his or dump him.

For more information about how to protect yourself against things like identify theft and fraud, click here.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Funny Friday


Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Buy Margie's Dress


Margie: Edna, did you read about this Debbie Reynolds Hollywood auction? My word, look at what this Marilyn Monroe dress sold for. Do you remember when you and I went to the picture show and saw that dress in the "Seven Year Itch"?
You said you'd make us one just like it and you did! Yours was white and mine was red.

Edna, let's call that auction house and tell them Marilyn also had a red dress just like that white one and we'll auction my dress and pretend it was hers. Lord, thank you for making my brain so big.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Edna's Wild Night


Edna:  You know, Miss Margie Know-it-All Big Mouth thinks she's the boss of me but I'm here to tell you she most definitely is NOT.  She went gallivanting off last week with a whole page full of instructions of things for me not to do while she was gone.  As soon as she walked out the door, I ripped that paper right up and tossed it in the air like confetti.  Then I called Cousin T to take me on a few errands.

First I had him take me to the Krispy Kreme where I bought a dozen doughnuts.  Cousin T and I sat right there in the parking lot and had us each one doughnut.  My lands, it's been so long since I've had a Krispy Kreme, that thing hit my bloodstream like a ton of bricks. I ate two more before we even got back on the road.

Next I had Cousin T take me by my favorite chicken place, Popeye's. I never get to go there anymore because Margie likes Kentucky Fried better.  But I'm boss right now so what I say, goes.  I ordered me some chicken, biscuits, and red beans and rice for takeout.  I ate a biscuit right there at the counter, and my lands but they're even better than mine!  Even Cousin T said so, since I let him have one.

I told Cousin T that our next stop was the liquor store.  By now he was looking a mite concerned and asked me was I sure I wanted all these "vittles".  (Lord love that boy, but he sure is country.)  I told him I was on a roll and was not about to stop now!  He left the car running while I went into the liquor store and picked up some wine coolers.  I'm not much for hard drink like Margie, but I do enjoy a wine cooler every now and then.  Especially when I doctor it up with a little maraschino cherry juice and some ice cubes.  My lands, but those things go down just like Kool-Aid!  

By the time Cousin T dropped me off back at the house, we'd eaten half the donuts and almost all of the chicken.  I was so hungry from all our running around that I ate the rest of the donuts as soon as I got home.  They're best eaten fresh, you know.  I fixed me up  a double serving of wine coolers and sat out on the front porch to enjoy my beverage.  And don't you know, right at that moment, Mrs. Pastor came up the walk.  Said Margie had told her to come up and check on me, that meddling so-and-so.  Well, I told Mrs. Pastor that I was right in the middle of my evening constitutional, and unless she wanted to join me then I'd thank her to save whatever she had to say until Sunday church.  That stopped her in her tracks, and her mouth got all pursed like a squeezed-up lemon before she turned around and skedaddled back to where she came from.  I just know she went to call Margie to come right home, because the next thing was Margie calling and yelling at the answer machine for me to "pick up the gol-durned phone!"  I just let her stew in her own juices while I ate the rest of my Popeye's then went on to bed.

But, oh!  Don't you know that I woke up a few hours later with the most awful indigestion?  When I was younger I could really pack away the food, but I guess time makes fools of us all.  Good thing Cousin T was still awake, because as soon as I called him he ran to the drugstore for some Maalox and brought it right to me like the sweet young man he is.  

Don't any of you dare tell Margie I got sick from all that gluttony or I'll never hear the end of it!  But I tell you what, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  Margie needs to go out of town more often, I think.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Fathers Day


A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you...

~Author Unknown~

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fun Friday

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thank you


Margie and Edna would like to thank the following law enforcement agencies for their help with a private matter over the weekend.

We especially want to thank the dispatch, deputies, and shift captains with the Decatur County Sheriff's Office, who were not only helpful and caring, but went the extra mile to assist. 

It is wonderful to know that there are still people like you who exist in this world, and we thank you all.  Please come visit us sometime for an elderberry cordial.  Margie promises not to flirt with any of the "boys in blue." Well, not too much anyway.

Love, Margie and Edna

Monday, June 13, 2011

Instructions For Edna


Margie: Friends, I'll be going out of town for a few days for some rest and relaxation. I'll be going to a lovely spa with some of my lady friends. This will be a total mind and body cleansing. (Translation: I'll go crazy if I don't get a break from Edna.) Anyway, could some of you check in on her while I'm gone? I'm leaving a list for her so please make sure she's following it.

To Edna:

1. Do not go to Krispy Kreme and buy doughnuts while I'm gone! They are full of fat and sugar and you will eat them all and be sick.

2. Do not use the stove while I'm gone. You're too forgetful and might burn down the house.

3. Do not buy any Dr Pepper as they are very unhealthy. Drink plain tap water and you'll be fine.

4. Do not order pizza because you never throw the box away and that will cause rats!

5. Do not buy any chocolate bars as the wrappers will attract ants.

Finally, do not drink any Special Tea as you always over indulge and you could fall and hurt yourself.

Edna, I have spies everywhere so you best do as I say. Good day, sister!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Funny Friday

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Letter To Mama


Dear Mama,

It's me- Margie. I miss you but I know you're in Heaven looking down on me. You are my Angel. I have to ask for your help because you're the only one who has ever been able to talk sense to Edna.

Mama, Edna is mean to me. She's not doing any of the things you told her to do. She won't clean, she's lazy, she's a floozy, and she takes a vacation every year! I've tried to look after her like you wanted but she's stubborn as a mule.

Mama, Edna is stingy too. She hides food in her room and won't share with me. She also hides the remote to try to make me miss my favorite shows. She wastes money on magazines and clothes while I do without so much. She's not a nice person, Mama.

I guess you're busy doing the Lord's work so I'll stop here but, please, appear to Edna and tell her that you expect her to be nice to me. I love you, Mama.

P.S. When you appear to Edna be sure to holler because she can't hear so good. Oh, you'd better duck too in case she throws Holy water on you.

Bye Mama,

Monday, June 6, 2011

Margie Gets No Respect


Margie: I'm ashamed of you, Edna. Here we had that pleasant walk to the market and you acted almost human. That sure didn't last long. That young cashier called me "baby." That shows me that she has no respect for her elders. What has happened to young people being courteous to their elders?

Edna, you should have explained respect to the girl.

Edna: Obviously the girl needed laser surgery.  Clearly she could not tell that you haven't been anyone's baby in over 80 years.

Margie: I heat you, Edna.

Edna: Are you on fire, Margie?  You're talking like one of those idjit juggolowhatsits.  Have you been swilling Faygo again?

Margie: Edna, if I swill a Faygo then you'll know it when the empty bottle hits you upside the head!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Funny Friday

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Summertime TV Blues

Edna: Margie, I tell you what, I hate this time of year when our regular TV shows go on summer hiatus. We have to wait on pins and needles all summer, wondering how the story is going to take up where it left off. But it also leaves us with a lot of extra time on our hands over the summer months.

I don't want to sit around staring at your pruney face all summer, so I'm going to pick a few summer TV shows to watch instead. What do you think?

Margie: I think you're a dingbat and you talk too much while I'm watching TV. I did watch that new makeover show last night. It's about weight loss. That trainer, Chris Powell, made my eyes pop out but I wasn't pleased to learn that the girl was only losing weight to have that surgery. I thought she'd lose the weight all on her own.

I'm going to be watching Persons Unknown on NBC.  It's about about strangers coming together to solve the puzzle of their lives. Guess who is the puzzle of my life, sister?

Edna: It's nice to hear you acknowledge that I am mysterious and an enigma. You, however, are an open book...the kind you want to give away to Goodwill after reading the first few pages.

You know, I'm really looking forward to Falling Skies on TNT (Sunday June 19 at 9PM EST). It's about aliens, which should be good and scary. It also has that nice young man from ER, although he looks a lot scruffier in this show.

Mr. Noah "Scruffy" Wyle

Edna:  When I want a laugh, I'm going to watch Necessary Roughness on USA (Wednesday June 29 at 10PM EST). It's about a psychologist and a bunch of young football players in tight pants. That sounds like it might be up your alley, Margie.

Margie: Edna, I hope the skies fall on your big head. I'll watch those football players while you go to the psychologist.

Edna:  Margie, I think you're the one who needs a psychologist.  I just checked the interwebs and that Persons Unknown show you want to watch was on LAST summer, and it was canceled!  I swan, you're either off your meds or you've been tippling again.  

Margie:  Speaking of Necessary Roughness I think it's time for me to go oil my pistol.

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