Edna: You know, Miss Margie Know-it-All Big Mouth thinks she's the boss of me but I'm here to tell you she most definitely is NOT. She went gallivanting off last week with a whole page full of instructions of things for me not to do while she was gone. As soon as she walked out the door, I ripped that paper right up and tossed it in the air like confetti. Then I called Cousin T to take me on a few errands.
First I had him take me to the Krispy Kreme where I bought a dozen doughnuts. Cousin T and I sat right there in the parking lot and had us each one doughnut. My lands, it's been so long since I've had a Krispy Kreme, that thing hit my bloodstream like a ton of bricks. I ate two more before we even got back on the road.
Next I had Cousin T take me by my favorite chicken place, Popeye's. I never get to go there anymore because Margie likes Kentucky Fried better. But I'm boss right now so what I say, goes. I ordered me some chicken, biscuits, and red beans and rice for takeout. I ate a biscuit right there at the counter, and my lands but they're even better than mine! Even Cousin T said so, since I let him have one.
I told Cousin T that our next stop was the liquor store. By now he was looking a mite concerned and asked me was I sure I wanted all these "vittles". (Lord love that boy, but he sure is country.) I told him I was on a roll and was not about to stop now! He left the car running while I went into the liquor store and picked up some wine coolers. I'm not much for hard drink like Margie, but I do enjoy a wine cooler every now and then. Especially when I doctor it up with a little maraschino cherry juice and some ice cubes. My lands, but those things go down just like Kool-Aid!
By the time Cousin T dropped me off back at the house, we'd eaten half the donuts and almost all of the chicken. I was so hungry from all our running around that I ate the rest of the donuts as soon as I got home. They're best eaten fresh, you know. I fixed me up a double serving of wine coolers and sat out on the front porch to enjoy my beverage. And don't you know, right at that moment, Mrs. Pastor came up the walk. Said Margie had told her to come up and check on me, that meddling so-and-so. Well, I told Mrs. Pastor that I was right in the middle of my evening constitutional, and unless she wanted to join me then I'd thank her to save whatever she had to say until Sunday church. That stopped her in her tracks, and her mouth got all pursed like a squeezed-up lemon before she turned around and skedaddled back to where she came from. I just know she went to call Margie to come right home, because the next thing was Margie calling and yelling at the answer machine for me to "pick up the gol-durned phone!" I just let her stew in her own juices while I ate the rest of my Popeye's then went on to bed.
But, oh! Don't you know that I woke up a few hours later with the most awful indigestion? When I was younger I could really pack away the food, but I guess time makes fools of us all. Good thing Cousin T was still awake, because as soon as I called him he ran to the drugstore for some Maalox and brought it right to me like the sweet young man he is.
Don't any of you dare tell Margie I got sick from all that gluttony or I'll never hear the end of it! But I tell you what, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Margie needs to go out of town more often, I think.
