Margie the TV star

Margie: Edna, I have a secret. I didn't tell you before now because you always interfere in my business. Anyway, I was watching the Food Network and they're looking for new talent. I had Cousin T make a video of me cooking and it's in the mail. I'm calling my show Margie's Manly Meals. I'll be cooking for different manly men every week. The ratings will be the highest in history. How do you like that?

Edna:  Margie, what do I care if you humiliate yourself on national television?  You'll just be showing the world what I already know: that you're a shameless hussy who can't cook.

And poor Cousin T, I wish you wouldn't involve that boy in your shenanigans.  He was raised to respect his elder's requests, even when said elder is a nincompoop.

Margie: See? You're trying to interfere in my business. You're just jealous. You don't want me to be a star. Well, once I'm a star, I may have your manly Frenchman on my show. How do you like them apples?

You best watch who you call names, Missy. You won't be sharing my new riches if you keep it up.

Edna:  If you think I want anything to do with your floozy money, then you've got another think coming.

Margie: What I think is that you're a moron because floozy money spends as well as any other kind.

National Nutrition Month

 

Margie: I see where March is National Nutrition Month. I'd like to know why, sister, nutrition is connected to eating right when we know how to eat right and that doesn't mean lettuce, yogurt, coo-coos, or humm-whos. I eat like mama taught us and that's why I'm still alive and kicking. Most food is nasty these days. Give me back my trans fat! Fry my taters in lard! Make my tea with a lot of sugar! Edna, I've made myself hungry and thirsty. Let's go to Aldi's and save some money!

Edna:  Good God a-mighty, woman!  You know as well as I do that if you eat like that and you're still healthy, it's only because you have good genes.  Most people need to be really careful about their food choices. What about Great-Uncle Walter who ate pig's feet for every meal and was dead of a heart attack at 39?  Sometimes I think people go overboard with what's good nutrition and what's not, but that doesn't mean you should just give up.

You go make that shopping list for Aldi.  You may not want any lettuce but I do, so be sure that we get some of that tasty artisan lettuce they have.  I never in my life thought I'd be eating purple lettuce, but it sure is tasty!  Especially with a little bleu cheese dressing.

Margie: Poor Uncle Walter. Remember how he loved those pickled eggs?

I do love that lettuce and they have strawberries on sale too. We could make a Strawberry Shortcake. You could make us some chili too but leave the beans out if you're planning to watch that movie with me tonight!

I'm sure glad Aldi lets us afford good food.

Edna:  If I'm making the chili then it's going to have lots of beans in it.  The doctor said you need to increase your fiber intake, you know.

I love that Aldi store, I'm so glad Mrs. Pastor told Cousin T about it.  There is no shame in being frugal, sister; you'd do well to apply that concept to the rest of your life.  I'm not paying for those new shoes you bought online last week, you know.

Margie: Fine, sister, then I'll provide the music for the movie.

People don't know how Aldi can save them money. Their store brand is better than some name brands and I'm sick of corporate greed.

Fine. I'll wear your shoes.

Edna:  You can wear my shoes if you do all the shopping for our healthy food for all of National Nutrition month.  Deal?

Margie: I don't know, sister. Do I have to pay for the food?

Edna:  Of course, idjit.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May you and yours have the happiest of Thanksgivings!

Love, Margie and Edna

National Fritters Day

Margie: Edna, this is National Fritters Day and that reminds me of Mama's apple fritters. I can smell them now. I wish I had a plate full of them and I'd eat every one.

Remember how you and I would fight over who got the most fritters? I can still hear Mama saying, "Ladies do not fight." Guess you never listened, huh?

Edna: As usual, Margie, you are misremembering. The way I recall, you would eat all the fritters before I got to the table, then you'd pinch me until I cried to make Mama think we were fighting. What you didn't know is that she always saved me a plate in the pantry. Guess you got out-smarted, sister.

Family Reunion Time

Margie: Edna, you know our family reunion is coming up in June. Remember how Daddy always told us that we had to go as long as we were breathing?

Well, you can go alone this year. Old Margie knows when it's time to quit.

Edna: Oh no you don't! I'm not going to face that bunch of piranhas alone! You'd best get yourself out of whatever funk you're in and come and face the music with me.

Margie: Sister, don't pretend that you don't recall how you embarrassed me last year. Right in front of Mama and Daddy's graves too.

That gentleman walked up and simply said he'd gone to school with you so he knew your age. Lordy, it was like waving a red flag at a bull. You rared back your purse and told him you'd knock him to Kingdom come if he told your age. You have no shame.

Edna: Margie, you must have been tippling again because that was surely not me you're remembering. That was Aunt Biddy, you idiot! So you can just quit your whining about me shaming you, because Lord knows it didn't happen the way you're telling it.

I thought for sure she was going to pull that man's hair out.

Margie: Hair? I've pulled my own out having to listen to all your squawking day and night.

Edna: I'm fine with agreeing to a 24-hour wall of silence if it will get you to stop filling my ear with half-truths. Agreed?

Margie: Make it 48.

Food Friday

Margie: Edna and I lived through the Depression and that wasn't always easy. Fortunately, we didn't live together then so I had a peaceful life. I just worked at the library and conducted my own business without Edna trying to boss me.

Anyway, people didn't always have a lot to eat during the Depression and today's food prices are so high that people nowadays don't always have a lot to eat either.

I thought we could all benefit from watching 91-year-old cook and great-grandmother, Clara, recount her childhood during the Great Depression as she prepares meals from the era.

Happy New Year's Eve

Margie: Hello? Hello? Edna, is that you calling? What's that racket? Turn the TV down. Are you deaf?

Edna: Gah, there's something wrong with this silly phone, I can't hear a word she's saying! Margie, hello, can you hear me??

Margie: Edna? Who are you calling? There's going to be police looking for you. You stop stalking me!

Edna: Oh, good Lord. Margie, as usual you're not making much sense so just let me tell you why I'm calling. I'm at the best party and I just wanted to rub your nose in it! I figured you'd be all alone at home tonight and I just wanted you to hear how much fun I'm having. Eat your heart out, sister.

Margie: Nitwit, I'm not alone. Cousin T, pass the appetizers.

Edna? Yes, we're eating. We ordered pizza. I don't think it's my nose that has a problem. Edna, I thought you said you locked your bedroom door.

Edna: I hocked my old decor? What in the world are you talking about, woman? It sounds like you're in the middle of Grand Central Station, the phone company must have our lines crossed or something.

I don't want to stand here all night yelling at you, I've got a party to get back to. My lands, if I'd known before how much fun these retirement community holiday parties are, I'd have crashed one long before now! Glad you're not here to spoil my fun, sister.

Margie: Edna, don't you hang up on me. Oh my heart! Did you say you signed yourself into a retirement home? Boys! Old Edna isn't coming home ever again. Let's party!

Sunday Funnies

The Midnight Buffet

Dear Margie,

Well, I finally figured out how to get the pictures into the computer so I could send you an email. I'm having such fun on this cruise, and the gentlemen bring apple-tinis by the dozen to my table every night!

I took the picture below myself last night, it's of the midnight buffet they serve on the cruise ship. Doesn't all the food look wonderful?

Love, Edna


Margie: Well, it looks like the same garbage she cooks at home. I hope it was free.

Margie and Sandra Lee

Margie: Edna, look how pretty I look today. This yellow dress is so becoming with my yellow shoes and this white bow in my hair. I don't look a day over 29. Isn't it nice to feel so lovely and girlish?

Edna: Oh my Lord. The doctor told me when you get like this, I'm supposed to go along with your delusions, so here goes. Yes Margie, you look very nice today! What's the occasion? You don't usually get this dressed up just for me, that's for sure.

Margie: I invited the pastor and his wife over for dinner. It'll be fun because I know how you like that Sandra Lee on the Food Network and I've made sure everything matches.

My outfit matches our kitchen curtains, the tablecloth, and the food. You need to go put on something that matches too.

Edna: You're right, I do like that Sandra Lee! She's so creative, and I just love how she mixes homemade items with prepared food, it's very clever how she does it.

I have noticed that she tends to match her set to what she's wearing, and sometimes even to the color of the food. But Margie, are you sure this is a good idea? I doubt even Sandra would do that with the pastor coming to dinner.

Margie: Edna, who died and left you in charge? You constantly find fault with me. I invited our guests and I can do as I please.

Go call Sandra if you don't like it. You best mind your manners too.

Edna: Good Lord, I try and be the voice of reason and tact and this is the thanks I get! Well fine, go ahead and have your yellow color-coordinated lunch, but don't expect me to join in. I'm going to go put on a red dress. And I'd better not find out that you used my credit card to buy all those yellow place mats, tablecloths, curtains, and...good heavens, is that a yellow checkered area rug?

You have plumb lost your mind.

Margie: Edna, I'm going to ask the pastor to pray for you. And, I don't think Mrs. Pastor will approve of your red dress.

Edna: Don't you worry about Mrs. Pastor, Margie. She'll be so blinded by all the yellow, she won't even notice my dress.

Eat What You Want

Margie: Edna, today is a holiday. Yes, it's Eat What You Want Day. I know that today is not intended to mean you eat as much as you want. Rather, the goal is to eat something you otherwise wouldn't have. Well, that's a dumb holiday so I say let's eat as much as we want.

What would you like to eat today, Edna?

Edna: Well, I'm not an adventurous eater, so I definitely don't cotton to eating something I haven't before. I have spent my life avoiding strange foods, thank you very much. But Margie, I don't know about eating as much as I want of something, either. My digestive system just can't handle that kind of abuse these days.

So maybe I'll just eat something fun for me, but in moderation. That would have to be chocolate mousse--my lands, I sure do love that stuff! What about you, Margie, what are you going to eat?

Margie: Edna, you will never grow up. I've never seen such a big baby. There is nothing strange in this life but you.

Well, Cousin T said he's bringing over a mess of catfish so I found this Paula Deen recipe that I'm making.

You'll never guess what else I'm making, Edna. It'll make your mouth water.

Edna: First of all, don't you start with me, you're the one who said this was a dumb holiday! I was just going along with you and making conversation.

You can make your stupid catfish and whatever else you want for Cousin T, I'm sure he'll love it, that boy will eat anything. As for me, I'm sticking with my chocolate mousse. At least I know that won't give me the ptomaine poisoning like your lasagna did last month.

You may as well tell our readers what else you're making. They're more willing to tolerate your hot air than I am, bless their hearts.

Margie: Lord, help me stop myself from strangling this nitwit. Edna, you won't admit it but you know good and well that Mama made a dessert you loved pert near better than chocolate.

I wouldn't dream of offering you any so Cousin T and I will eat in the kitchen and we'd appreciate it if you'd go eat your moose in your room. I never have liked wild game.

Edna: "Wild game"? And you call ME a nitwit?

Margie: Oh good, Edna, you heard me. Yes, nitwit, dimwit, fruit loop. I'm going to my room before I slug you.

Edna: Big baby.

Lucky New Year's Day food

Edna: Since we're coming up on New Year's Day, we'd best get to cooking Margie. You know Mama always said that there were some foods you should eat on January 1st to give you good luck. Remember how she used to make that big pot of black-eyed peas?

Margie: I do remember, Edna. Mama would put that hog jowl in that pot then we'd have onions with them when they were done.

I recall you never would eat the hog jowl. No wonder you never had much luck.

Edna: Margie, I don't see how hog jowls are lucky; they sure weren't lucky for the poor hog.

Another lucky New Year's food I've always wondered about is cabbage, which is supposed to be a sign of prosperity. Cabbage was never lucky for me, because it surely doesn't agree with me.

Margie: Cabbage doesn't agree with me either, Edna. I've eaten it in the past but I'm sure not prosperous in a financial way.

I do enjoy my greens though. Greens are supposed to be a symbol for cash but nobody ever told me how many to eat. Do you know?

Edna: Eat them all, Margie, I can't stand greens.

You know, one food that is supposed to be unlucky on New Year's is any kind of fowl, like chicken. That's a shame, because I sure do have a hankering for some Kentucky Fried.

Margie: Edna, are you sure about that? The Colonel never told me that when we were dating!

I sure could eat some of those mashed potatoes and gravy about now. I believe they'd make me feel lucky .

Edna: Well, you'd best head on into town and pick some up then. Don't forget the biscuits.

Margie: Kiss my grits, Edna. I'm calling Cousin T.

Edna: You know, one of these days that boy is going to get tired of running errands for us. I hope it's not before he brings back our chicken dinners, though.

Commodity Foods

Margie: Well, I swan. Look here, Edna. Here's an article about commodity foods. That sure does bring back memories. It makes me hungry too.

Do you remember Daddy taking Grandma to pick up her food every month? She'd get that good cheese and you and I would see who could eat the most. She'd get rice and beans and nonfat dry milk too.

Edna, the program is still going but I bet the food isn't as good as it used to be. If things keep going like they are we may all be back to cooking over the fireplace. Maybe I should run for President?

Edna: Margie, Lord help us all if you should run for President. You'd fill your cabinet with handsome men who had more looks than brains, and then where would our country be?

I do remember Grandma getting her government food, especially the cheese and the real butter. She used to say that it was one way that the government took care of its citizens. And you know, that free food got a bad reputation over the years, but it was always quality food and you can't beat that.

Margie: A cabinet full of men? You're just saying that to distract me, Edna.

Where was I ? Oh, that's true for sure. The government used to take care of its citizens and now the citizens take care of our government.

Can we buy a churn, Edna ? I love real butter.

Edna: I think we'd better buy ourselves both a churn and a milking cow if you want real butter, because it's darn tootin' that the government won't handing it out any time soon.

Margie: And a nice gentleman to do the churning and milk the cow. I'll advertise tomorrow.

Edna: Just make sure he's young. And muscular.

Margie: That goes without saying, Edna.

Margie and Edna: Skyrocketing Prices

Margie: Edna, you cheap skate, you owe me $14 for this stuff you wanted from the supermarket. I have never seen such prices in my life! I can remember when a Coke only cost a nickel. This Jack Daniels cough syrup was $40. What are folks like us supposed to do?

Edna: Maybe you should take some of our grocery money and go get an eye exam, because that is surely not cough syrup you bought. Although, I suppose it would cure what ails you.

But I know what you mean about the cost of groceries and such. My lands, have you seen how much it costs just to buy milk these days? In some cases it's cheaper to buy a gallon of gasoline, and that's not saying much.

Margie: Edna, if you want milk then you need to buy a cow. Heaven knows I surely couldn't buy any ice cream. You may have to cut back on all those Depends you use too.

I'm going to write Mr. Bushy a letter and tell him a thing or two about what I think. Let him buy his own groceries and gas and see how he likes it.

Edna: Margie! I don't wear Depends and you know it! This is just like you, derailing a perfectly good conversation by insulting me.

As for your letter to the president, it's a good idea, but I think you'd better clear out the basement before you do anything. You might get a visit from the Secret Service, and you don't want them finding your den of iniquity down there, do you?

Margie: Edna, you do have a piece of your brain intact. You're exactly right about that Secret Service. I'm going to sneak into the Green's house and use their computer so nothing can be traced back to me.

Sit down,Edna, and let's write up some of our ideas to send him. I'll sign your name on the letter too.