Eat What You Want

Margie: Edna, today is a holiday. Yes, it's Eat What You Want Day. I know that today is not intended to mean you eat as much as you want. Rather, the goal is to eat something you otherwise wouldn't have. Well, that's a dumb holiday so I say let's eat as much as we want.

What would you like to eat today, Edna?

Edna: Well, I'm not an adventurous eater, so I definitely don't cotton to eating something I haven't before. I have spent my life avoiding strange foods, thank you very much. But Margie, I don't know about eating as much as I want of something, either. My digestive system just can't handle that kind of abuse these days.

So maybe I'll just eat something fun for me, but in moderation. That would have to be chocolate mousse--my lands, I sure do love that stuff! What about you, Margie, what are you going to eat?

Margie: Edna, you will never grow up. I've never seen such a big baby. There is nothing strange in this life but you.

Well, Cousin T said he's bringing over a mess of catfish so I found this Paula Deen recipe that I'm making.

You'll never guess what else I'm making, Edna. It'll make your mouth water.

Edna: First of all, don't you start with me, you're the one who said this was a dumb holiday! I was just going along with you and making conversation.

You can make your stupid catfish and whatever else you want for Cousin T, I'm sure he'll love it, that boy will eat anything. As for me, I'm sticking with my chocolate mousse. At least I know that won't give me the ptomaine poisoning like your lasagna did last month.

You may as well tell our readers what else you're making. They're more willing to tolerate your hot air than I am, bless their hearts.

Margie: Lord, help me stop myself from strangling this nitwit. Edna, you won't admit it but you know good and well that Mama made a dessert you loved pert near better than chocolate.

I wouldn't dream of offering you any so Cousin T and I will eat in the kitchen and we'd appreciate it if you'd go eat your moose in your room. I never have liked wild game.

Edna: "Wild game"? And you call ME a nitwit?

Margie: Oh good, Edna, you heard me. Yes, nitwit, dimwit, fruit loop. I'm going to my room before I slug you.

Edna: Big baby.

M&E try healthy eating

Edna: Margie, there's a lot of talk on the news these days about healthy eating. Do you suppose we should think about improving our diet? You tend to cook with an awful lot of lard, and I've never met a chocolate bar I didn't like. Maybe we should make some changes in what we eat.

Margie: I suppose we could try, Edna, but cooking without lard? I'm not sure I'd know how.

You've never met chocolate anything you didn't like, Edna. Remember when you ate those five Hershey bars even while Mama was telling you that you'd be sick? You were sick for two days.

Edna: Now, why do you have to bring up ancient history like that? I haven't gorged on chocolate in nigh-on 75 years, you moron. These days, I limit my chocolate eating to one bar per day, thank you very much.

You know, I've been hearing a lot about tofu, we could try that. Or maybe we could start eating alfalfa sprouts and drinking wheatgrass juice. I hear that it's very "cleansing."

Margie: Lying liar. I know better. You just let me see you with one bar a day.

Wheatgrass juice? That sounds like something horses eat. No way. I don't think I need cleansing, sister, since I take my Ex-Lax every day.

You try it first and I'll see if you survive.

Edna: On second thought, maybe we're too old to be changing our eating habits now. Perhaps we'd best leave healthy eating to the young folks. What do you think?

Margie: Amen, sister. Let's enjoy the years we have left.

Pass me a Hershey's bar.