Edna: Home Sweet Home

Well folks, here I am back from my vacation, and I am pleased to see that our blog is still up and running. I admit, I didn’t know what kind of mischief Margie would get into with me gone, and I was worried that she’d get so out-of-control that the FCC might close us down or something. She seems to have taken mighty good care of the blog, so I guess I owe her some gratitude for that.

As you can see though, my sister has made herself scarce for my return. She’s probably taken Cousin T and hidden them both away somewhere. And you know, I’m not a bit surprised that they’re hiding out, considering what the two of them did to my bedroom while I was on vacation! I have told her a thousand times to leave my things alone, and I was even nice enough to let Cousin T use my room while I was gone—with a few rules, mind you. So I don’t know where in the Sam Hill she got the idea that I wanted an Extreme Bedroom Makeover!

You know, this is just like her, she gets a wild hair and then just barges on ahead and does as she pleases. I swear, she’s no better than those Biddys I went to Florida with. I won’t get started on those two, since I’m sure none of you want to read any more about my harrowing experiences. Let’s just say that I wasn’t sorry to see the back of the Biddy bus as it left town.

Anyway, Margie and Cousin T had better keep a low profile for a while, because when I find them I’m going to kick their patooties to kingdom come and back. I swan, I no sooner leave town than those two get in the special tea and start getting all kinds of crazy ideas.

Now, you all will have to pardon me, I have to go unpack. And since I know that my bedroom makeover was just Margie’s excuse to go snitch my valuables, I’ll be taking inventory in her room and getting my things back. She’d better not have stolen my Supernatural DVDs again, or that will just be the last straw! Tell me folks, can you divorce your sister?

Itty-Biddy: Tornado Chaser

Margie: Edna Alert!! Saved by a phone call. Cousin T and I get to live another day.

Yes, it's true. Old Edna called from the road. You should have heard her trying to get in my good graces. Seems they were almost home when Itty-Biddy saw a tornado and decided to chase it. Edna thinks they're now somewhere in Wisconsin.

The Biddy's are so mad at Edna that they said to tell me not to make up the guest room for them as they won't be staying. In fact, Itty said they'll just be tossing Edna out of the Biddy bus as they drive by the house.

I wonder if Cousin T could put a trampoline out there for Edna to land on? I'm going back to the basement.

Edna Is Coming Home

Margie,

Well, I’m on my way home. When we were eating dinner at a restaurant in St. Augustine last night, Aunt Biddy took her teeth out and dipped them in her coffee before putting them back in her mouth. And that was it, I just snapped. I think they heard me yelling all the way up in Georgia. Itty-Biddy got so mad at me, she said that she’d drive me right back to Jericho. Thank the good sweet Lord, it’s about dang time! I thought she’d never get the hint.

We did do some sight-seeing before we left town. Did you know that St. Augustine is the oldest city in the United States? I told Aunt Biddy maybe we should leave her here, since she’s the oldest person in the United States, but she didn’t think that was very funny. They have this old Spanish fort here; that’s it up in the right-hand corner. They let you climb all over it, if you want. I went up top and pretended I was firing the cannons out to sea, before the park rangers came and escorted me off the premises. They don’t let you get away with anything in this state!

Better pour me a glass of special tea Margie, I’ll be there soon. Itty-Biddy says she’s going to try and break the land speed record getting me back to Kansas, which I thought was mighty nice of her.

Love, Edna


Margie: Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. What am I going to do? I thought Edna would want to live in Florida. That old bat had to go and make everybody mad. Sakes alive.

I wish that cannon had backfired. I wonder if Itty might get lost? Lawsy me, I hope she drives to Alaska.

Cousin T, get in here. Fun time is over. Edna is coming home. Here, take this money and go get my nerve pills at the drugstore. Gather up all the Special Tea and put it in the basement. Oh, let that Frenchman out and send him packing. Call Deputy Jimmy & tell him to be on the lookout for a flying Biddy Bus.

Oh, run to the grocery store and get supplies and put them in the basement too. Run to the hardware store and buy whatever you need to lock us in that basement for a couple of weeks too. Get something to support that ceiling because Edna will be hopping up and down mad and it might cave in on us.

Cousin T: That ceiling is strong enough miss Margie. You had better fan yourself with this copy of cosmoplitan and calm down. You are all red in the face!

Margie: Oh Cousin T., I think I have the vapors. I feel faint. My heart just can't take one of Edna's baby tantrums. Can you think of anything else we need?

Cousin T: Maybe just a nip of special tea to calm them nerves.

Margie: Cousin T, I knew you had a brain! Let's go.

Edna: Daytona Beach

Dear Sister,

All this time I’ve been here in Florida, and I haven’t once gotten to dip my toes in the Atlantic Ocean, so I made Itty-Biddy take a detour to Daytona Beach. Margie, some of these scandalous bathing suits made me blush! You know how I sunburn, so I kept my muumuu on, but Itty-Biddy acted like she thought she was at a nude beach. As you might have guessed, this story ends with Aunt Biddy and I bailing her out of the local jail. Margie, crazy doesn’t just run through this branch of the family, it gallops.

I think you’d better tell Cousin T to start moving out of my room, I don’t think I can stand much more of these two.


Love, Edna


Margie: Edna, far be it from me to say that I told you so but I surely did. I knew somebody would end up in jail. I'm surprised it wasn't you, though, because you do love a nude beach.

My stars! Are you saying you'd rather live with me than live with the crazy Biddy's? I want to hear those words from your mouth.

Edna, Cousin T. says he likes it here and he especially likes your room. He said to mention squatter's rights?

Margie and The Frenchman

Margie: I am having so much fun while Edna is gone. She will throw a hissy fit when she hears my latest news. You see, I was sitting on the porch today when this fancy car pulled up in the drive. Cousin T was fixing the porch step and he said that was a Roller Royce car that had pulled up.

Sakes alive, I don't know cars. Cousin T assured me, though, that it was a very expensive one.





Margie: The car door opened and a nice gentleman stepped out. He even brought his dog. He walked up to the porch and said his name was Pierre and he'd come to Jericho from Paris, France.

Well, Cousin T was making a spectacle of himself what with his mouth hanging open so I had to swat him to remind him of his manners.

This Pierre says he's looking for Edna. Well, blow me over. Who'd want to look for Edna? He wasn't making much sense so I just told him to stop all that parlee voo nonsense and speak English.

I finally made him understand that Edna had left home and was taking a tour on the Biddy Bus. I don't think he understood me but he did ask me out to dinner. I borrowed Edna's pink dress and some of her French perfume and off we went to Bailey's,

Those old gossips are wagging their tongues tonight. I can't wait for them to tell Edna. In the meantime, Pierre and I are going to the movies tonight.

Let me see what Edna has to wear.

Edna Visits Cypress Gardens

Margie,

Now, you know I don’t like to speak ill of people, but Aunt Biddy and Itty-Biddy are driving me plumb crazy. First, the two of them decide that we should go to this park called Cypress Gardens. It’s actually a very pretty place, but that’s not the problem. Once we got there, they insisted on taking part in the water-skiing show, even though I told them the audience wasn’t supposed to participate. (That’s Aunt Biddy in the orange outfit, and that’s Itty-Biddy right smack dab in the middle of the line.) I was so embarrassed, I thought I was going to die.

This vacation is turning out to be less restful than if I’d just stayed at home listening to you yammer in my ear.


Love, Edna


Margie: Oh Edna, that Itty is a ring tailed tooter! I'm surprised none of you are in jail yet. The two of them look like the fools they are.

I suppose you'll be going to Biddy's for Christmas? That would be a sight. I hear they always rob the bell ringers at Wal-Mart so they have Christmas money.

I've had a wonderful vacation! I've had lots of callers and lots of bed rest. I feel 25 again!

Maybe you can extend your trip a bit longer?

Edna: The City Beautiful

Dear Margie,

Well, we made it to Orlando. They call it “The City Beautiful,” and I guess it does have some pretty parts. We saw lots of orange groves, but there weren’t any oranges, so I felt kind of let down. When we got outside of the city, we got close to the amusement parks. My word, I’ve never seen so many cars in my life! Not even that time that Daddy took us to that road rally down in Lubbock. I swan, everyone here drives like their you-know-whats are on fire. Makes a body worry for their own safety. I offered to drive so Itty-Biddy could take a break, but she gave me the skunk eye so I didn’t offer again.

Love, Edna


Margie: Well, it sure wasn't a "City Beautiful" while you riffraff ruined the view! As for no oranges, Edna, that's why we have grocery stores. I declare, you're a dumb one.

Lordy, Edna, you best watch that skunk eye. I heard Itty-Biddy carries a knife and has used it on folks. I hope you've learned a good lesson down there.

Itty knew not to let you drive! You're blind as a bat. You all probably would have ended up in Lubbock again or maybe Alaska.

Look at the time! I have to go make tea for the mailman!

Celebrate Our 100th Post

Margie: Edna is still on vacation so she's missing our 100th post. Yes, it's hard to believe that we have made 100 blog posts. That's the same number as years our Granny lived. Lordy knows I couldn't stand 100 years of Edna. She's the reason the word crabby was invented.

Being the kind person I am, though, I will extend Edna's thanks along with mine to all of you for making 100 posts possible. We're just delighted that you all have seen fit to visit my Basement and leave us comments from time to time.

Please do continue to drop by and visit us. We really do love all our visitors even though we especially like gentlemen callers. I apologize for Edna's bad behavior here at times but she was just born ornery.

Edna and The Sponge Diver

Dear Sister,

Well, we were going to go to Orlando first, but Aunt Biddy got it into her head that she wanted to see the Gulf of Mexico. We tried to tell her it was out of our way, but she held her breath so long we thought she’d pass out, so we gave in. I swan, the woman may be in her 90s, but she acts just like a spoiled baby sometimes! And here I thought I was taking a vacation from what I usually have to deal with.


Anyway, we stopped at this place near Tampa called Tarpon Springs. That’s a sponge diver on the front of the postcard, although Itty-Biddy thought it was a space alien. She got so scared, she ran out of the souvenir shop. I’m destined to be surrounded by babies and idiots, I guess. I bought one of those sea sponges for you, Margie. You can use it the next time you take your annual bath.

Love, Edna


Margie: Look at the pot calling the kettle black! Edna, you're a hypocrite. You should look in a mirror if you want to see a baby idiot!

That Itty has always been a brick short. Guess that's because Biddy raised her on home brew instead of milk. Lawsy me. What nut jobs you fell in with there. Takes one to know one.

Speaking of bath, Edna, the mailman says you need to wash off all that stinky French perfume you wear. It's not really from France. He says they make it from stinkweed.

Biddy Bus Leaves Miami

Dear Margie,

Well, I think I’ve seen just about everything there is to see down here near Miami (and don’t think I told you everything!). Aunt Biddy said that she’s got restless legs syndrome, which I think means that she likes to travel. Anyway, we packed up the Biddy Bus this morning, and we’re headed north for a tour of the rest of the state. I’m a little worried about our safety since Itty-Biddy drives like a maniac, but I’m holding my tongue about that for now. Pray for me, sister.


Love, Edna



Margie: I'll pray they don't bring you home sister! You behave and let them have their way then all will be well.

Edna shouldn't be talking about holding her tongue because that is impossible for her to do. Edna and those Biddy's may do some wrestling before they ever get out of Miami.

Margie and Cousin T: Picnic: Part II

Margie: Cousin T, isn't this a lovely place for a picnic? You pour us some special tea while I unpack the picnic basket. I do declare, it feels like Christmas without Edna here to gripe and complain.

I brought fried chicken, potato salad, and your favorites; pickled eggs and fried gizzards. Now you eat up and you can have your surprise for dessert.

Cousin T: You brought all of that and a surprise to boot, I would hug you if our family was the type to engage in that type of affection!

Margie: Well, we aren't but thank you for the thought. Here you go. It's your favorite Peanut Butter and Banana pudding.

By the way, how are we getting out of here?


Cousin T is Dumbstruck. No one, and he means no one has ever made all of his favorite things for the same meal. He has a sudden nearly uncontrollable urge to hug Miss Margie…and maybe even to give her a little kiss on the cheek. Instead he slowly lifts his head and says:

"I'll bet there is some old gas in Uncle Jaybirds barn. I hope it works; This gas would most probably be the 1 dollar 79 cent variety. My truck has gotten used to 4 dollar gas."

Margie: You smart boy. You've always been my favorite. Here's $ 2.21 to put in the gas tank. I think your truck will work fine then. You can fool it into thinking that's $4 gas now.

Edna In Parrot Jungle

How do you like this picture of me at Parrot Jungle? These birds are so tame, they come and perch right on you. What you don’t see in the picture is that they aren’t potty-trained. I really do think that if an establishment is going to let birds sit on its customers, they should do something about the bird’s bowel control. I told the manager that, too, right before we got escorted out of the park. Oh well. Aunt Biddy is taking me to a dance hall tonight and she says that I’ll be the belle of the ball, since I’ll be the youngest lady there. I told her that after living with you all these years, I’m used to being the youngest and prettiest one in the room.


Love, Edna


Margie: Here's sure proof that Edna is a lying liar. That picture is so not Edna. I'll swan, looks like she'd quit trying to fool people.

Edna, you are no belle of any ball. You look like going to a dance hall! I wish you had as much dignity as I do. Poor Mama would be shocked at what a hussy you are.

You're a hypocrite too, Edna. You claim this is a family blog yet you talk about bowel movements. Yours locked up years ago. That's why you're so sour looking all the time.

You watch your step, Edna. Knowing Biddy I suspect that dance hall may actually be a house of ill repute!

Margie and Cousin T: Picnic: Part I

Margie: Cousin T, this was such a good idea to take a day trip while Edna was gone. She'd have been flapping her gums and making us crazy if she was here.

I'm glad we have our picnic lunch too. I brought all your favorites but that's a surprise for later.


Cousin T: A surprise for later is almost as good as one you get right away. How long have we been drivin' anyway?

Margie: Cousin T, I do declare. I think we're out of gas. How can that be? I bought $5 worth!

Cousin T: Look, they shut down the old Exxon station. No gas to be had there.
I hope we make it to the next station Miss Margie them skies aint looking to good.




Margie: I think we best look around and find some shelter. Let's stop and eat our lunch until the storm passes.

Cousin T: Uncle Jaybird's storm cellar is right near here he won't be needin' it where he is.


Margie: I haven't thought about Uncle Jaybird in years. Let's go there and have our picnic. I sure hope he's not haunting the place.
I'd like to enjoy my lunch.

Cousin T: The shelter's 'round back of the house. Green skies – Hurry now - might be a twister to add to your lunch surprise. Down here Miss Margie - "watch your step, your head and your mouth" as momma used to say.





Part II coming Thursday!

Edna At Hialeah Race Track

Hello Margie! Look at this card here, those knobby knees on the flamingos remind me of yours when you wear short pants. My lands, I almost busted a gut thinking that one up. Those flamingos are at the Hialeah Race Track, which is this historic horse racing track near Miami. It’s a good thing it’s not open anymore, or I’d have lost all my money betting on some fast filly.


Speaking of fast fillies, I do hope you’re behaving yourself while I’m gone. And you stay away from the mailman, you hussy, you know he’s my beau!

Love, Edna



Margie: Here's another postcard that proves how hateful and mean Edna is to me. She just can't resist sending me her old slurs. Old witch!

I wish Edna would bust a gut. Lord knows her gut is so big that it would be like a nuclear bomb hit if it busted.

Just you wait, Edna, until you find out that the mailman has been sweet-talking me. As soon as your back was turned here he came. You're a demon, Edna.

Edna Does Hollywood

Dear Sister,

Did you know that there’s a Hollywood here in Florida, too? But people just look at me funny when I ask them which way to the movie studios. People are ruder here than they are back in Kansas, that’s for sure. Anyway, this postcard is of Hollywood Boulevard, which has this big circle right in the middle of it. We went round and round and round that thing on the Biddy Bus before we could get off of it. I like to fell over once we got home, I was that dizzy.

Shut up Margie, I can hear you saying something snide right now!

Love, Edna



Margie: Lord a mercy! I knew Edna would go down there and show her ignorance and I was right. I hope she doesn't tell them she's from Jericho because they'll think we're all hillbillies.

If Edna thinks she was dizzy from going in circles then wait until she finds out that I borrowed her new dress today and wore it for the mailman.

A Surprise For Edna

Margie: I am so excited that I just have to tell you all a secret. Just keep it under your hats because I don't want to spoil Edna's homecoming surprise.

You see, Cousin T and I were having our special tea last night and we got to discussing how Edna likes all that tropical stuff like what's in Florida.

After we'd enjoyed a few glasses of tea, I was telling Cousin T that he may not have book learning but that boy can build anything you want. And paint? That boy works magic with a paintbrush.

Anyway, I digress. Cousin T and I have have decided to do one of those extremist makeovers like what's on TV. You know that show called "Extremist Home Makeovers"? We're doing Edna an extremist bedroom makeover. Won't she be surprised when she gets home?

Now here's Edna's bedroom before she left.






Edna's Bedroom After


Margie: We still have to do a few finishing touches. Here's one I have to go get:





Margie: I can't wait to see Edna's face when she sees this! I'm such a thoughtful sister.

Edna and The Alligator

Margie,

Look here, I actually found somebody in Florida with a bigger mouth than you have! Heh heh heh, Aunt Biddy sure did laugh when I told her that joke. She thinks you have a bigger mouth, though. Margie, these gators here just come up out of the canals and onto your lawn if you’re not careful. Itty-Biddy says that’s why she doesn’t have her toy poodle anymore. She let the poor little thing out to do its business one morning, and she looked away for one minute. When she looked back, all that was left was a hair bow and some ripples in the canal. I’m watching my step, I tell you what.


Love, Edna

Margie: Another postcard? I don't find this at all amusing. Edna best not plan on living here if she wants to come home. Sounds to me like Biddy has rubbed off on her.

People like Itty shouldn't have pets if they can't protect them from alligators. I sure hope Edna isn't watching her step. Old hussy.

Margie and Cousin T: At The Movies

Cousin T: Miss Margie I was thinkin' 'bout Miss Edna being gone and how you must be lonely with no one to hurl loving insults at and I thought I should take you to a movie! But with the price o' things nowadays I am afraid I can't so I hit on the next best thing; We can go to YouTube and watch some trailers and pass some time giving our opinions of the films. They put all the best stuff in them trailers anyhow. What do you think?

Margie: Cousin T, you are the most thoughtful young man I ever saw. I think watching movie trailers with you would be a lot of fun. I'll make us some popcorn and several jugs of Special Tea.

But, Cousin T, you can rest assured that I do not miss my dumb sister nor are my insults for her loving ones. She is no more than a big boil in my life.

Cousin T: I don't know what is happenin' in "The Happening" but if I found ten bucks stuck in the screen door I might just be tempted... Old Marky Mark seems like he has that "I am trying to figure out what is going on here" look on his face for the whole film. I kind of get the idea that this M. Night fellow would like this look to be on our faces as well. I think I half have it but if I saw all two hours I am pretty certain it would be more prominent. Is M. Night that fellows real name do you think?


Margie: Cousin T, that would be a strange real name but some folks might think Cousin is an odd name too.

You know how I love a scary movie and supernatural doings. I think this Kiefer Sutherland is dreamy so I want to see his new movie called "Mirrors." It's about supernatural evil using the mirrors in their house.

Wait a minute. Do you think this movie is based on Edna's life?

From Edna: To Cousin T

Dear Margie,

I saw this postcard and it reminded me so much of Cousin T and how he’s obsessed about his trains. I hope you two are getting along okay without me there to keep the social niceties going. Cousin T, you’d better be staying out of my chifferobe, I don’t want to come back to find out that you’ve been using my garter belts as tool belts. Margie, are you keeping that house clean while I’m gone?


I’ve got to go, Aunt Biddy wants me to come help her do her makeup, we’re going to the Early Bird buffet down on the beach. The sunsets over the water are beautiful, or so I’m told. I haven’t seen any yet since Aunt Biddy locks down the house at 7PM.

Smooches,

Edna



Margie: Lawsy me. Edna tries to boss Cousin T and me even when she's not around. Look at her acting like I'm a maid. She's the one who never offers to clean anything.

My lands! I've never heard of Aunt Biddy wearing makeup. Heaven knows it won't help her ugly face. That's especially so if Edna is going to help her. Edna thinks makeup was meant to be caked on.

Cousin T, come here. Edna has sent you a nice picture of a train. I guess her nasty smooches are for you too. Arg!

Happy July 4th

Margie: Saving Gasoline

Margie: Just wait until Edna hears this story. I've had the most surprising day.

First, two lovely young men arrived at my door and said they needed to sell their car. I took one look and I was in love. With the car, I mean. Here it is.



Margie: As luck would have it, Cousin T arrived right before I could get my money to buy the car. He called it a gas guzzler or some such and said I shouldn't buy it.

I invited the young men to stop back by tomorrow to see if I might have changed my mind. Oh, here's what Cousin T got me to buy. He said it's good on gas.





Margie: Eat your heart out, Edna.

Edna Writes Margie

Dear Margie,

Well, we made it to Miami Beach just fine; the Biddy Bus only broke down twice. Luckily, the last time was two blocks away from Aunt Biddy’s house, so we just hoofed it down the street until we got there. My lands, it surely is hot down here and this place is no better than a swamp. I do not know what all this humidity will do to my hair. I hope I don’t look a fright when we go visiting later. Aunt Biddy promised to introduce me to her gentleman friends and I do so want to look my best.

Love, Edna


Margie: I'll swan. I thought I was rid of my crazy sister for a while and she sends me a blasted postcard. Like I care, Edna.

Her hair? Lawsy me, Edna always looks a fright so I don't think she needs to worry about humidity!

I'd rather try to survive in the swamp as to meet any of Biddy's friends. You can bet there's not a gentleman amongst them. Not that that's ever stopped Edna.

Whew! I hope that's the last I hear from her.

Edna and The Jitterbug

Margie: Well, Edna went off and left her room in a mess. Big surprise. I went in to dust and found this old moving picture of Edna and her beau. Actually, I think he was Betty Lou's beau and Edna stole him away. She's good at that.

Anyway, let's watch Edna make a spectacle of herself.


Jitterbug