Cousin T and the bird

Cousin T: I hit a little bird with my truck the other day. I was driving along down one of them paved back roads and I thought it was a piece of trash all still there in the road. That is, until I was on top of ‘em and the little fellow turned his head and looked right up at me. He tried to fly at the last minute but I knew that would do him no good. The thump made me sick and sad. I made up a story about this little bird losing the love of his life and then deciding to die himself. The story made sense because why else would a little bird sit all still like that in the middle of the road? It was a good story but it didn’t really help.

Spring Fever

Edna: Margie, I tell you what, I am more than ready for spring to be here. I'm not sure my old joints can take another cold Kansas winter. Plus, listening to you whine for the last five months about how cold it is has about driven me batty.

Margie: Don't blame me for your battiness. You've always been nutty.

I can't wait for spring. Spring makes my fancy turn to love and romance and sunbathing and...

Edna: Margie, if I've always been nutty then it's no coincidence that I've known you all my life. You don't have to be Einstein to do THAT math.

And oh good Lord, sunbathing?? Folks, let me tell you a little story about Margie and sunbathing. Two summers ago, Deputy Jimmy showed up at the house one afternoon and arrested her for indecent exposure. She was out there on the front lawn wearing nothing but sunglasses and SPF 15 suntan lotion! I swan, it's a wonder I have any nerves left, living with this woman.

Margie: You're just jealous, Edna, because I met that nice gentleman at the jail and he took me out to lunch.

Edna: Which you charged to my credit card! "Jealous" is not the word I'd use; maybe "incensed" would be a better choice.

You know, the more we talk about this, I realize that I'm not looking forward to the warmer weather quite as much as I thought. You just go plumb loco when the temperature shoots up. When spring finally gets here, I'm headed over to Cousin T's to live for a while. At least he won't get arrested for acting like a floozy.

Margie: I love Cousin T.

National Railroad Month

Photo courtesy Model Trains

Margie: Edna, did you know that November is National Model Railroad Month? I bet Cousin T feels like celebrating. That boy sure loves a train.

Edna, did I ever tell you about my time in the caboose? Oh, never mind, you'll just call me a floozy. Do you like trains?

Edna: Oh, I love trains! There's nothing like the sound of a train whistle--do they even have whistles any more? Toot toot!

Margie, maybe we should buy Cousin T a model train engine for his collection. He has quite a setup out in his tool shed. We could get him an engineer's cap, too.

Margie: Edna, have you been in the Special tea again? Go in your room and toot.

That's a great idea. He'd love the cap and we could have his name put on it.

Edna: All aboard!

A Day in the Life of Margie and Edna

Image courtesy of the NYPL Digital Gallery

6-7AM: Margie wakes up Edna by banging on pots and pans outside of Edna's bedroom door. Edna threatens to send Margie to an old folks' home.

Edna cooks oatmeal for breakfast. Margie declares breakfast inedible, eats a Little Debbie instead.

7-11AM: Margie checks in on her favorite blogs. Edna accuses Margie of hogging the computer. Margie accuses of Edna of wanting to look up pictures of "nekkid" men. Edna accuses Margie of being a moron.

11AM-1PM: Margie settles onto the sofa to watch The Young and The Restless which is the only soap opera she enjoys. Edna chooses this time to lambaste the mailman for letting all her mail get damp in the rain. Margie tells her to shut up or Margie will duct tape her mouth. Edna stomps off to her room while Margie gets her Oreos out of her hidden stash.

1-3PM: Margie catches a nap on the couch. Edna walks to the store for a soda and chocolate bar thinking she won't have to bring anything back for a napping Margie.

3-4 PM: Edna calls Cousin T to come over and fix the hot water heater. Cousin T comes over with his tools, but quickly realizes that by "hot water heater," Edna meant "still." Cousin T agrees to fix it, but only if the ladies agree to hide it in the basement.

4-7PM: Margie fixes supper for Cousin T while Edna gripes. Cousin T tries to tell Edna that he loves Margie's cooking. Edna leaves, saying she'll skip dinner, but Margie and Cousin T know about all the food Edna hides in her room.

7-9PM: Margie and Edna discuss the day over a glass of elderberry cordial out on the front porch. The discussion quickly turns heated when Edna discovers that Margie has been placing "lonely hearts" classified ads on Edna's behalf in the Jericho Tribune. Although Margie claims that she just wants her sister to find a companion and be happy, Edna (correctly) suspects that what Margie really wants is for Edna to find a man whose house she can move into, thus leaving Margie in peace.

9-10PM: Margie watches the news while Edna gets ready for bed. Margie loves this time of day when Edna is quiet. Who wouldn't be quiet, Margie wonders, if they looked in the mirror and saw what Edna saw.

While Margie is watching the news, Edna quietly ransacks Margie's room, retrieving all of her belongings that Margie has snuck in there over the course of the day. She also steals one of Margie's shoes, knowing that it will drive her crazy the next day looking for it.

10-10:30PM: The ladies wish one another good night. Each of them says a separate, but oddly identical, prayer to get through the next day without killing one another.

Eggnog pie

Edna: Margie, look here at this recipe I got from a friend of mine. Eggnog pie! My lands, have you ever heard of such a thing?

Margie: I've never heard of that, Edna. My personal opinion is that it would be better if we replaced that rum extract with about a pint of good rum.

Edna: I knew you were going to say that. You probably don't remember the last time you tried to cook something that way, considering you drank all the rum and didn't leave any for the recipe. I let you sleep on the kitchen floor that night.

I think I'm going to try and make this for Christmas. We'll have to send Cousin T into town for the ingredients.

Margie: Edna, you're so mean to your elders.

If you're sending Cousin T to the store then you best have him pick up a larger bottle of rum. It'll warm up my old bones.

Edna: Ha! Elder is right.

I'll have Cousin T pick you up some rum, you old lush, but you'd best leave me a little bit for the pie.

Margie: Edna, you can ruin a pie better than anybody I know.

Edna: Then you don't have to eat any, fine by me.

Eggnog Pie

1 pre-made graham cracker crust
1 4-¾ ounce box instant vanilla pudding mix
2 cups good eggnog
1/3 cup milk
splash rum extract (You can substitute 1/4 cup of rum for the rum extract, if desired)

Mix pudding, eggnog, milk and extract until thick. (Mixture will be very thick.) Then, pour into the shell and let sit in the fridge at least a day before serving.

Come on-a my house!

Margie: Edna, I'm very excited about Halloween this year. I think it's wonderful that we decided to have a haunted house for all the children in Jericho.

I do have one small concern, sister, and I'll say this as nicely as I can. You said you'd like to greet the children at the door. If you do that, Edna, they'll run away screaming and will never see the haunted house.

Edna: Margie, if I had a nickel for every time you insulted me, I'd be richer than Bill Gates. You know good and well that the reason I want to greet the children is because I want to see their little costumes. They always look so cute, trying to be scary.

I hope we have a better turn-out this year than we did last Halloween. We spent all that time decorating the house and barely any children came.

Margie: See how you are, Edna? I tell the truth and you call it an insult. I love to see the little costumes too.

There's your answer, Edna. Barely any children came last year because you were waiting by the door. Besides, you ate most of the candy.

Edna: Oh no you don't, you fibber, I'm not the one who went to bed early last Halloween with a stomachache! I don't think we had as many decorations last year, maybe that was the problem. Everything looks nice and spooky this year, and I like how you put those fake spiderwebs out in the bushes.

Margie: I like how you helped Cousin T with his werewolf costume. He's going to do a good job this year.

Edna, here's a scary thought. Do you think Aunt Biddy and Itty Biddy will wear costumes this year?

Edna: Lord help us, those two look so ridiculous on a normal day, I'm not sure you'd be able to tell the difference between a costume and how they usually look.

I ran into Deputy Jimmy yesterday, and he said he's going to bring his two little ones by the house tonight. I told him to spread the word, we've got lots of candy and fun thrills in store for all the Jericho kids.

Margie: Deputy Jimmy? Bye, Edna. I'm going to the mall and exchange my costume.

Edna: Margie, if you can't show a lawman your costume, it's probably not good to show the young'uns either. Good thing I decided on the flapper dress, it's family-friendly.

Now go put something decent on and hurry back, I hear some children coming up the walk.

Happy Halloween
from Margie and Edna!

Margie gets the munchies

Margie's top five snack foods

1. Chocolate- anything chocolate. If Edna is around, though, you best keep chocolate locked up or it will disappear. Edna eats chocolate like a goat eats grass.

2. Peanuts- parched like Mama used to make in the oven. I can't chew so good these days but I parch the peanuts, shell them, put them in a plastic bag, then Cousin T comes with his hammer and mushes them for me. They're easy to eat then.

3. Popcorn- My favorite is the kind Edna and I pop over the fire. It's old-fashioned but tasty. We sometimes have to pop extra because it goes so well with Special Tea.

4. Crackers- any kind. I like pretty crackers like those Ritz ones. Sometimes I just take my teeth out and gum the suckers.

5. Prunes- After eating so many snacks it's usually time to stew and eat some prunes. All those snacks can really get you clogged. Besides, Edna hates them so I can eat all I want without hiding them.

Have I made anybody hungry?

Cousin T's Emmy picks

As we promised, we have a special guest blogger today as part of the ongoing Emmy coverage here at the Basement. He's Margie and Edna's long-suffering jack-of-all-trades, an all-around good guy, and a fantastic guest blogger. Ladies and gentlemen, Cousin T!

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Nominees: Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk (Monk, USA); Steve Carell as Michael Scott (The Office, NBC); Lee Pace as Ned (Pushing Daisies, ABC); Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy (30 Rock, NBC); Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper (Two And A Half Men, CBS)

The only one of these I have seen is Pushing Daisy's but I did not like it much so I am voting for Charlie Sheen because he got stuck with his own boring first name in that show plus he has to act with a kid and he has to put up with his Dad running around acting high and mighty.


Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Nominees: James Spader as Alan Shore (Boston Legal, ABC); Bryan Cranston as Walt White (Breaking Bad, AMC); Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan (Dexter, Showtime); Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House (House, FOX); Gabriel Byrne as Paul (In Treatment, HBO); Jon Hamm as Don Draper (Mad Men, AMC)

Everybody will be picking House and Dexter but I am picking Gabriel Byrne because I like that Sledgehammer song!


Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Nominees: Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine Campbell (The New Adventures Of Old Christine, CBS); Christina Applegate as Samantha Newly (Samantha Who? ABC); Tina Fey as Liz Lemon (30 Rock, NBC); America Ferrera as Betty Suarez (Ugly Betty, ABC); Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin (Weeds, Showtime)

America Ferrera because fake braces still get food caught in 'em I bet!


Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Nominees: Sally Field as Nora Holden-Walker (Brothers & Sisters, ABC); Kyra Sedgwick as Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson (The Closer, TNT); Glenn Close as Patty Hewes (Damages, FX Networks); Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NBC); Holly Hunter as Grace Hanadarko (Saving Grace, TNT)

Sally Field for outlastin' Burt Reynolds and cause she is still cute as all get out.


Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Nominees: Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold (Entourage, HBO); Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama (Entourage, HBO); Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother, CBS). Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute (The Office, NBC). Jon Cryer as Alan Harper (Two And A Half Men, CBS).

Cousin T on Margie and Edna's Basement because what he lacks in comic timing he more than makes up for in general usefulness around the house.


Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Nominees: William Shatner as Denny Crane (Boston Legal, ABC); Ted Danson as Arthur Frobisher (Damages, FX Networks); Zeljko Ivanek as Ray Fiske (Damages, FX Networks); Michael Emerson as Ben (Lost, ABC); John Slattery as Roger Sterling (Mad Men, AMC)

William Shatner in hopes that if he wins it will go to his head and he will put out another record of far out songs. (Suggestion Bill: Ask Crispin Hellion Glover to collaborate for maximum bizarre effect.)


Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Nominees: Candice Bergen as Shirley Schmidt (Boston Legal, ABC); Rachel Griffiths as Sarah Walker-Whedon (Brothers & Sisters, ABC); Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey (Grey’s Anatomy, ABC); Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy, ABC); Dianne Wiest as Dr. Gina Toll (In Treatment, HBO)

Chandra Wilson because she is small but tough like the Fonz , Captain Kirk and Oprah; In that order.

Outstanding Comedy Series
Nominees: Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO; Entourage. HBO; The Office, NBC; 30 Rock, NBC; Two And A Half Men, CBS

30 Rock because it reminds me of Third Rock from the Sun, another show that was supposedly good that I never saw.


Outstanding Drama Series
Nominees: Boston Legal, ABC; Damages, FX Networks; Dexter, Showtime; House, FOX; Lost, ABC; Mad Men, AMC

Mad Men cause Hamm and Draper are equally dramatic last names.


Outstanding Special Class - Short-Format Live-Action Entertainment Programs
Battlestar Galactica - Razor Featurette #4 • Sci Fi Channel.com; Friday Night Lights: Spotlight On Austin • NBC.com; Lost: Missing Pieces • ABC.com; Sarah Silverman Program Nugget • Comedycentral.com; 30 Rock: Kenneth The Web Page • NBC.com

What?


Outstanding Special Class - Short-Format Nonfiction Programs
Deadliest Catch: The Real Dutch • Discovery.com; Great Moments From The Campaign Trail • History ChannelVOD; Jay Leno’s Garage • Jaylenosgarage.com

I wonder who came up with the word Doily???

Margie and Edna take a drive

Margie: Edna, I had Cousin T wash the car so we can take a nice afternoon drive later. Bring your money for the gas, dear.

Edna: Oh no you don't, sister, I paid for gas last time! Besides, you still haven't paid me back for the gas we used to take the trip into town so you could have your hair blued.

Margie: I was going to buy the ice cream but not now. You're an old penny pincher, Edna. I never saw anybody so darned selfish. Besides, I paid for the car wash!

Edna: Margie, don't you lie to me! You just said you got Cousin T to wash the car, and I know good and well that he never accepts our money for anything that he does. You're just trying to bilk me out of gas money, and I won't have it!

Margie: That's fine, Edna. Show your old tushie to the world. I'll go driving by myself. It'll make for a more pleasant trip anyway.

Edna: By all means, go by yourself! It will give me some time to savor the peace and quiet around here.

Margie and Edna make up

Margie: Edna, I want to come home. I'm scared in this basement. Cousin T went home because he said you'd get that old strop after him if he didn't.

Edna: Oh good Lord, I should have known that's where you'd be hiding. You big sissy, come on upstairs. As for Cousin T, well...he's right to be scared, although I do appreciate the mighty fine workmanship in my new bedroom. Even if I didn't ask for a renovation.

Margie: Edna, I've learned my lesson. No more locking men in this old basement. Well, not unless I'm with them anyway.

Edna: I'd say you've only learned half your lesson, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. Why don't you come on up and we can set a spell out on the porch and have an elderberry cordial.

Margie: Edna, that's a lovely idea. You won't poison mine, will you?

Edna: Oh, for heaven's sake, you're so paranoid! There's no poison, I promise--I may not always like you but you are my sister. Let's wipe the slate clean and start all over now that I'm back. What do you say?

Margie: Edna, does that mean you'll call Deputy Jimmy & take back what you said? I guess we can start over if you'll quit scaring Cousin T. He means well.

Edna: I know the poor boy means well, it's not his fault that once he gets into the special tea he loses all sense of reason. I'll bake him a cake to apologize for scaring him.

As for Deputy Jimmy, I'll have a talk with him too and see what I can do. But you are officially on warning. No more rifling through my belongings like they were yours anymore, you hear me? I'll not stand for it.

Margie: Edna, you're acting a bit strange. What really happened in Florida with those Biddys? You know I can take care of them if they did something to you.

Okay, Edna, I won't bother your things anymore. You know that special tea just makes me confused.

Edna: I’m going to overlook the fact that you’re saying it’s strange that I’m acting nice. Nothing happened with the Biddys, besides them getting on my nerves, and I thank you for offering to “take care of them” for me.

As for the special tea, well…everything in moderation, just like Mama used to say.

Margie: Edna, we need to be clear. You just don't seem yourself. I think those Biddy's unnerved you more than you're willing to admit. I'd like to shoot those Biddy teeth right out of Itty's head.

Oh honey, I moderate my special tea by the gallon.

Edna: Margie, let's just put it this way: some things happened in Florida that no one would believe, least of all you. I don't know how much more I can say without it affecting the outcome of the criminal trial. Dangit Margie, now I've said too much, are you happy??

Margie: Edna, I shall say no more. When you're ready to talk about it I'll be glad to listen. There are things in life that are best kept to oneself. Wouldn't you agree?

Edna: I surely do agree, and I’m glad you see it that way. Now, let’s go have that elderberry cordial and you can help me decide what kind of cake to bake for Cousin T.

Margie and Edna: The Reunion

Margie: Edna, do not try to find me. I am in hiding. I know you're in a foul mood because of the Biddys but you aren't going to take it out on me.

Didn't I tell you not to go? Your old head is hard as a rock. I'm not putting up with any foolishness so you better calm down or pick up your bags and move.

You old hussy.

Edna: Don't you start with me, old woman, I'm in no mood for your nonsense. And if I'm crabby, it has nothing to do with the Biddys--it's because of all the stories I'm hearing about how you behaved while I was gone. Shameful, just shameful! And to drag poor Cousin T into your shenanigans, you ought to be hanging your head for corrupting a fine young man like that.

Don't you worry, I won't be trying to find you any time soon.

Margie: You're just mad because I went out with Pierre in his Roller Royce car. The mailman said he likes me best too. He even gave me a compliment on your pretty dress that I borrowed.

Edna: Margie, I could care less about "Pierre," if that is indeed his real name. I heard all about your exploits with him, and all I will say about that is if he's French, I'll eat my hat. And would you just listen to yourself? The only way you got my beau was to go out with him wearing my dress. Doesn't that tell you something?

How many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands off my belongings? I already filed a police report with Deputy Jimmy down at the station about what you did to my bedroom, so if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away for a long time. There's a warrant out for you, you harpy, so you'd better run far and fast.

Margie: Edna, you're a sour grape! Pierre is his name and all I know is that your clothes look better on me. My figure puts yours to shame.

I'm glad Deputy Jimmy is coming because I have something for him. Do you understand somebody hacked into your hard drive? That's what Mr. Hawkins called it. Anyway, I won't be in jail because of those pictures. You'd better think this over, you washed up biddy.

Edna: Oh, I see how it is. When I wanted to use the computer, you said it was yours and that Mr. Hawkins just gave it to you to use. But as soon as trouble comes a-callin' it's my computer? Well, you listen up and listen good: I'm not going to the pokey just because you couldn't stay away from those beefcake pictures. You're on your own, sister.

Margie: Edna, hear this! Kiss my grits!

Margie and Cousin T: Picnic: Part II

Margie: Cousin T, isn't this a lovely place for a picnic? You pour us some special tea while I unpack the picnic basket. I do declare, it feels like Christmas without Edna here to gripe and complain.

I brought fried chicken, potato salad, and your favorites; pickled eggs and fried gizzards. Now you eat up and you can have your surprise for dessert.

Cousin T: You brought all of that and a surprise to boot, I would hug you if our family was the type to engage in that type of affection!

Margie: Well, we aren't but thank you for the thought. Here you go. It's your favorite Peanut Butter and Banana pudding.

By the way, how are we getting out of here?


Cousin T is Dumbstruck. No one, and he means no one has ever made all of his favorite things for the same meal. He has a sudden nearly uncontrollable urge to hug Miss Margie…and maybe even to give her a little kiss on the cheek. Instead he slowly lifts his head and says:

"I'll bet there is some old gas in Uncle Jaybirds barn. I hope it works; This gas would most probably be the 1 dollar 79 cent variety. My truck has gotten used to 4 dollar gas."

Margie: You smart boy. You've always been my favorite. Here's $ 2.21 to put in the gas tank. I think your truck will work fine then. You can fool it into thinking that's $4 gas now.

Margie and Edna: Past Vacations

Edna: Margie, summertime always makes me think of going on vacation. Why don’t we go anywhere anymore like we used to? Remember that year Mama and Daddy packed us up in the Model T and took us down to San Antonio to see the Alamo? That was surely a fun trip, even though it was hot as Hades down there in Texas.

Margie: We don't go anywhere, Edna, because you always want to drive and you can't see. If I drive you boss me around.

I do remember the Alamo. It was so hot that I almost went skinny dipping but I was too scared that Daddy would catch me and tan my hide. I remember one of the gentlemen at the Alamo took a shine to you, Edna.

Edna: Which is why Daddy high-tailed us right back out of Texas, he was worried about keeping my virtue safe. He knew yours was already compromised, you hussy.

Do you remember when we took that train trip out to Hollywood because you wanted to star in the “talkies”?

Margie: Edna, I told Daddy about your "virtue." Remember when he threatened to lock you in your room for the rest of your life?

I do remember that train ride. I could have been a star in Hollywood if only I hadn't let that sweet-voiced man talk me into going to Reno.

Edna: I think the movie industry breathed a sigh of relief when that happened; the world couldn’t have taken seeing you up there on the silver screen. Your face would have given even King Kong the scare of his life.

So, should we go somewhere this summer? I bet Cousin T would drive us anywhere we wanted to go.

Margie: Edna, I'm not the one who looks they got beat with an ugly stick. Hussy.

Where shall we go? We can't let Cousin T drive unless we lock up the Special Tea first.

Edna: Well, I got a letter from Aunt Biddy down in Florida and it sounded like she wanted some company, but she hates you. Maybe you'd better think of somewhere else to go.

Margie: Edna, I'm not going near that crazy woman. You'd better not go either. You know Daddy never wanted us anywhere near that fruit loop.

I'll get Cousin T to drive me to Hawaii.