Edna: Daytona Beach

Dear Sister,

All this time I’ve been here in Florida, and I haven’t once gotten to dip my toes in the Atlantic Ocean, so I made Itty-Biddy take a detour to Daytona Beach. Margie, some of these scandalous bathing suits made me blush! You know how I sunburn, so I kept my muumuu on, but Itty-Biddy acted like she thought she was at a nude beach. As you might have guessed, this story ends with Aunt Biddy and I bailing her out of the local jail. Margie, crazy doesn’t just run through this branch of the family, it gallops.

I think you’d better tell Cousin T to start moving out of my room, I don’t think I can stand much more of these two.


Love, Edna


Margie: Edna, far be it from me to say that I told you so but I surely did. I knew somebody would end up in jail. I'm surprised it wasn't you, though, because you do love a nude beach.

My stars! Are you saying you'd rather live with me than live with the crazy Biddy's? I want to hear those words from your mouth.

Edna, Cousin T. says he likes it here and he especially likes your room. He said to mention squatter's rights?

Biddy Bus Leaves Miami

Dear Margie,

Well, I think I’ve seen just about everything there is to see down here near Miami (and don’t think I told you everything!). Aunt Biddy said that she’s got restless legs syndrome, which I think means that she likes to travel. Anyway, we packed up the Biddy Bus this morning, and we’re headed north for a tour of the rest of the state. I’m a little worried about our safety since Itty-Biddy drives like a maniac, but I’m holding my tongue about that for now. Pray for me, sister.


Love, Edna



Margie: I'll pray they don't bring you home sister! You behave and let them have their way then all will be well.

Edna shouldn't be talking about holding her tongue because that is impossible for her to do. Edna and those Biddy's may do some wrestling before they ever get out of Miami.

Edna Writes Margie

Dear Margie,

Well, we made it to Miami Beach just fine; the Biddy Bus only broke down twice. Luckily, the last time was two blocks away from Aunt Biddy’s house, so we just hoofed it down the street until we got there. My lands, it surely is hot down here and this place is no better than a swamp. I do not know what all this humidity will do to my hair. I hope I don’t look a fright when we go visiting later. Aunt Biddy promised to introduce me to her gentleman friends and I do so want to look my best.

Love, Edna


Margie: I'll swan. I thought I was rid of my crazy sister for a while and she sends me a blasted postcard. Like I care, Edna.

Her hair? Lawsy me, Edna always looks a fright so I don't think she needs to worry about humidity!

I'd rather try to survive in the swamp as to meet any of Biddy's friends. You can bet there's not a gentleman amongst them. Not that that's ever stopped Edna.

Whew! I hope that's the last I hear from her.

Margie: Alone At Last

Margie here. So many people have asked me what Edna, my sister, is really like so I'm here to tell you. I have a pitcher of Special Tea and Edna has gone to old Biddy's so I can do as I please.

The first thing I did was dig the Miami Herald out of the garbage. I saw Edna reading it and marking attractions she'd like to visit. Lord a mercy! I had to cover my eyes several times. Edna is shameless.

I'm ashamed to say my sister first went to this section called Voyeur. Heavens above! She has circled where it says, "400+ Nightclubs." I know Edna well enough to know she'll try to visit as many of them as she can. Edna is a hussy.

My stars! Would you look at these shops she's circled? She'll go down there and spend every dime she's got. She doesn't care that her sister is sitting here and can barely afford to cook a pot of beans! Edna is selfish.

Finally, I see Edna has circled all the beaches. I suppose she thinks everybody has a great interest in seeing her old wrinkled tushie spread out all over the place. Edna in a bathing suit is a sight best left unseen. Edna is an idiot!

I can't take anymore. The thought of my sister cavorting in Miami is enough to make me barf. I'm going to Bailey's and get a smooth drink to coat my churning stomach.

Edna is on her own.

Edna goes on vacation

Edna: Margie, do you remember that letter from Aunt Biddy that I got a couple weeks ago?

Margie: Edna, I am not interested in any old letter from Biddy. You know Daddy was ashamed to say she was his sister. She is a hooligan.

Edna: You're just saying that because you know she never did like you. It's just as well, really. I gave her a call, and she invited me down to Florida to visit her. You know she lives in Miami Beach now. She told me to tell you that you're not invited.

Margie: Edna, if you go see that crazy Biddy then don't you think you'll be coming back here to live. I'll not have it! Do you hear me? This is the end of the line.

The very idea! Where's my Special Tea? Go on, Edna. Good riddance I say. Don't let the door hit you on your way out!

Edna: Calm down, Margie, you're going to bust a blood vessel with all that shouting! Now, you know you wouldn't have any fun down in Florida anyway, you always complain about the bugs and the heat. And just you try and keep me from coming home again; maybe I'll have so much fun in Florida I won't want to come back.

Aunt Biddy told me she'd send her youngest girl to come get me and drive me down to Miami Beach on the Biddy bus. You remember her girl, Itty-Biddy, don't you?

Itty-Biddy

The Biddy Bus

Margie: Holy Smokes! Lawsy mercy. Itty is a scary sight, Edna. If that's the kind of company you want to keep then you go right ahead. You're taking your life in your hands if you get in that Biddy bus!

Mark my words, Edna, no good can come from this trip. Well, unless you decide to stay. You best look out for Biddy's boys too. Hoodlums.

Edna: Margie, you'd better get ready for me to be gone, Itty-Biddy will be here tomorrow and I'm going to be on that Biddy Bus when it leaves town. Oh, I'm going to have such fun down in Florida. You behave while I'm gone, you hear?

Margie: If something happens to me while you're gone, Edna, try not to feel guilty. Goodbye Edna.


*photo courtesy of Photobucket