Cold-War condos in the cornfield

Edna: Margie, you are never going to believe what's going on just down the road. Go ahead, I dare you to guess.

Margie: That handsome widower built a pool and wants me to come swim with him?

Edna: Pfft, you're such a dreamer. No, they're turning those old missile silos into luxury condominiums! Can you believe it? I've never heard of such a thing.

Margie: What's that? When did Jericho have any missiles? Luxury? Does that mean you'll be moving soon? How about tomorrow?

Edna: Sure, as soon as you scrape about $2 million together then I'm out the door!

Margie: Let me get my little black book. I have friends who will surely give you some lovely donations.

M&E answer your questions--part 2

Edna: Many thanks to all of you who asked us questions last week! We hope you all enjoy reading our responses. If you haven't already checked it out, we answered some of the questions in yesterday's post. Below are all the answers we didn't get to yesterday.

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1. From Mara:

What do you do when a friend of yours starts "copying" you? Your words, your expressions, your favorite food and restaurants, almost everything that it's starting to annoy you. She may mean no harm though and it looks like she's not even aware that she's doing it.

Margie: Edna has done that to me and it's because she's jealous and wants to be me. You may have to ask your friend if she's noticed what she's doing. She probably hasn't.

Edna: Margie gave you some good advice about talking to your friend. It always helps to get these issues out in the open if something is bothering you. And always keep in mind that no matter how annoying it may be, she wouldn't do those things if she didn't admire you.

And for the record, I never copy Margie--she's nobody's idea of a good role model.

Also from Mara: This might be too personal for both of you so it's okay if you don't give out details but I'm just curious whether you two fight and how long did it last?

Margie: Well, we haven't had physical fights but Edna's tongue is as sharp as a sword. I suppose it's safe to say that we've been fighting nearly 75 years.

Edna: My sister speaks the truth, it's been one ongoing argument about something or other since I was born. The best I can tell, Margie was jealous that I came along and replaced her as the favorite in the household. She's been trying to take me down a peg ever since. Mind you, that doesn't mean we don't love each other--you show me a family who claims they don't argue and I'll show you a family of lying liars.


2. From Con Artist Trickster:

Pick one between these two:
A week without washing dishes but you can't watch your dear boys' movies. (Or)
A week with extra movies of your favorite boys but with extra house cleaning also.

Margie: I'll pick the boys every time no matter how much extra work I'd have to do.

Edna: I agree with Margie. What's the point of having extra entertainment if all your time is taken up with the extra housework?


3. From Hitesh Rawat:

Why Margie and Edna's Basement...... why not....roof....kitchen.....?

Margie: Because we don't allow men on the roof or in the kitchen. Gentlemen belong in the basement where I can keep them in sight.


4. From Doctor Faustroll:

Is Toto there?

Margie: I don't wear a tutu unless...

Edna: Doctor Faustroll, you'll have to excuse my idiot sister. To answer your question: no, Toto is not here. Neither is the Tin Man, although my sister reminds me an awful lot of that horrible Wicked Witch of the West. I like to call her the Wicked Witch of the Basement, but usually only when she has her hearing aid turned down.


5. From Daily Spirit Online:

Do either of you belong to any old ladies societies or groups and if so/not why/why not?

Edna: Well, my sister and I belong to the ladies' group at the church. I don't know if that counts, it seems like we're the only two old ladies still spry enough to participate. I do like the idea of that Red Hat Society, where they eat dessert first, but wearing red and purple together just isn't my style.

Margie: I answer no questions asked by somebody who calls me an "old lady."

Moving Out

Margie: Edna, I was just looking through this shoebox and found these old papers where Mama and Daddy bought this house in 1930. They paid $7100.00 for it when it was new. Lord a mercy, Edna, that wouldn't even pay our electric bill for a year nowadays.

Edna: Well, it might if you'd stop leaving the TV on all night! I swear, sometimes I think it's just a big square night light to you.

My lands, I wonder how much that amount would be today, with inflation factored in? It seems like a relatively small amount now, but it was a lot to folks back then.

Margie: That's what I was thinking, Edna, so I had an idea. Let's call the real estate lady and have her come over. She can tell us what the house is worth now then you can buy my half or we can sell the place and split the money.

I'm moving to California to live on the beach. By myself, Edna.

Edna: Oh happy day, she wants to live by herself! Will wonders never cease? You go ahead and call that real estate lady and see what she has to say. But if you think I'm buying out your half, you've got another thing coming. This house is way too much work for one old lady. I have half a mind to move to one of those assisted living places I saw on the news, where all the elderly gentlemen take Viagra and it's a non-stop party.

Margie: I'll call today, hussy. The only reason this house is too much work for you is because you expect to be waited on like a queen.

Yes, you should go to the home but I'm going to the beach where those half nekkid men don't need any Viagra.

Edna: You are a mean old shrew who completely underestimates the amount of work I do around here. Fine, go live by yourself, you'll see just how invaluable I really am. I hope those nekkid men take one look at you and run the other way. If they're sane, they will. Perhaps I should warn them ahead of time.

Admit it, though, Margie; if you moved away, you'd miss Cousin T something awful.

Margie: You're the shrew, you lying liar. Cousin T is going with me. I won't leave him here to be corrupted by you!

I'm taking Mama's silver too and the car and the still and several other things you don't need to worry about.

Edna: Oh no you don't, Mama said that silver was supposed to be split up between the two of us! Don't you make me call a lawyer over this, you thieving thief! And the car, too? You must be plumb out of your mind.

As for Cousin T, I can't imagine he'd willingly move anywhere with you. He's a sweet boy, but you'd best leave him here where he has friends. Besides, you'd traumatize him, carrying on with half-nekkid men the way you plan to. Hussy.

Margie: That does it, you flaming floozy. No way am I leaving here so you can be happy. I'll be staying right here to make your life as miserable as I can!

By the way, Edna, somebody spilled pancake syrup all over your bed. Hussy.

Edna: Well, if that SOMEBODY is planning on sticking around, then SOMEBODY had better go clean the pancake syrup off of my bed. Or SOMEBODY is going to get quite a surprise when they go to put their shoes on tomorrow morning.

Our Family Tree

Margie: Edna, the Kansas winters are so harsh and we seldom are able to go out anywhere. Being cooped up inside all winter is no fun at all. I must say, though, that I'm glad you had the idea of us doing our family tree this winter. It's been fun.

I do have one concern, Edna. I've run across some relatives that have made me realize that part of our tree is a nut tree. What will we do about that?

Edna: I don't think there's anything much we can do about that now, Margie, unless you want to build yourself a DeLorean time machine like in that movie. You know, Mama and Daddy were so genteel, I was mighty surprised by some of our ancestors. Remember how we found out about Mean Joe Callahan, the wiliest con man this side of the Mississippi? I swan, the amount of money he swindled out of good, decent folks, it's just scandalous.

You know, I'm not sure we can hold our heads high in town anymore if any of this gets out.

Margie: That's what worries me, Edna, is this getting out. Look what I found. You think Mean Joe was scandalous? How about our ancestor, Naughty Nellie? She was a saloon girl in Oklahoma.

My stars! I'm not sure I know what some of these words mean but it says here that she was a paramour of Jesse James and assorted other cowboys.

Maybe she wasn't so bad after all?

Edna: Oh good grief, trust you to find the floozy in the bunch! I guess that's where you get your...ahem...fondness for cowboys from.

You know, I think part of genealogy is knowing when to quit looking. What do you say we just tell everyone we're descended from royalty and leave it at that?

Margie: I surely am fond of cowboys, Edna. Oops. my mind wandered.

I think you're right and we'd best quit. Let's just say we're descended from Princess Nellie.

Edna: Sounds good to me!

We Love Jennie

Margie: Edna, you remember our friend Jennie Sword? We need to write her a note to let her know we're still thinking about her. She's such a pretty, kind young woman. I wish everybody would be as sweet as she is.

Edna: Of course I remember Jennie, she was so nice when we interviewed her a while back, remember? I must say, this is one of your better ideas, I'd love to write her a note. We should tell her how much we miss her, and how our little town of Jericho just isn't the same since she left. Where is it she's living now?

Margie: She's living in California, Edna. We should write her and ask her if she's finding any bargains in Beverly Hills. Maybe those rich folks are having hard times too.

Frankly, I'll just ask if I can borrow her credit card because I bet she'd feel bad turning down an old lady. I wonder if she's met any nice cowboys lately?

Edna: Margie, don't you dare ask that girl for her credit card! You'll shame the both of us, and she'll think you're just an uncouth old woman. Which you are, of course, but there's no need for her to know that.

I do remember that she loves horses, so maybe she does know where there are some cowboys. I imagine there must be some real ones out there in California, they can't all be movie cowboys. You know, one of the things on my list to learn before I die is riding a horse, I wonder if she'd come back here for a visit and teach me how?

Margie: I have the best idea! Let's buy a horse for her and tell her it's here then she'd have to come visit again! She's so pretty that the young men would swarm around here.

Let me see your credit card, Edna. I want you to have your riding lessons.

Edna: Oh no you don't! You stay away from my wallet. If you want her to come visit, you can just think of something that doesn't involve my credit card.

I think if we told her that she could come for a nice restful stay in our guestroom, she'd like that. We could make up some of Mama's teacakes for her, and she could have all the special tea she wanted. I know she must be tired of the rat race out there in Los Angeles, so a visit here to Jericho would be just what she needed. Margie, go get out the writing paper and let's get this note ready for sending!

The very first Girl Scout

Edna: Margie, look here at what's in the newspaper. It says that tomorrow is Juliette Gordon Low's birthday. Do you know who that is?

Margie: Is that the woman who bakes those nice Girl Scout cookies? I do wish I had a few boxes of those. I'm hungry.

Edna: Check the freezer, we had a box of Thin Mints stashed in there the last time I looked.

And no, she's not the one who bakes the cookies. She founded the Girl Scouts of America back in 1912. It says here that she was very artistic, loved pets, and had a great sense of humor. She sounds like our kind of lady, don't you think?

Margie: Oh, she does sound like us. Edna, didn't you join the Girl Scouts once? I tried to join the Boy Scouts you know. I was a young lady ahead of my time.

Edna: You were a young hussy, is what you were. No, I didn't join the Girl Scouts because we didn't have a local chapter and Daddy wouldn't take me all the way to Wichita for the weekly meetings. I wanted to, though. It always sounded like fun, with the camping and the singing.

Margie, we should go on a road trip and go visit Mrs. Low's birthplace over in Savannah, GA. The house is a National Historic Landmark, you know.

Margie: That's a fine idea. Let's ask Cousin T to drive us. We'll go by that Paula Deen's restaurant and eat like pigs.

Edna: Sounds like a plan, sister!

Edna the mermaid

Edna: As a little girl growing up in land-locked Kansas, it might seem unlikely I would have dreamt of becoming a mermaid. Margie and I knew how to swim; we'd sneak off to the swimming hole on hot summer afternoons when all our chores were done. Mama thought we were napping, and she would have been scandalized at the thought of us stripping down to our skivvies and swimming in public. But there, under the murky water, I'd pretend I was a beautiful mermaid with long flowing hair and a powerful tail that could propel me all the way across the ocean if I so chose. I never told anyone about my dream; Mama and Daddy would have thought it too fanciful, and Margie would have teased me mercilessly. So I kept my thoughts a secret, and would hide myself among the library shelves, quietly marveling over the mermaids in the picture books.

By the 1950s, I was a married woman. My husband Joe was a traveling salesman, and his work took him far and wide while I was often left home alone to twiddle my thumbs. Joe wasn't always a trusting man, and I do believe he worried, because I was still a pretty young thing then. I can remember the day he returned from one of his jobs, saying that he was taking me along on his next sales trip. We were going on a week-long car trip, he said, and I didn't even care where we were going. I was simply delighted to be going somewhere outside of Jericho, KS.

By the time we finally got to our destination, two days after we'd set out from Kansas, I was dusty and tired. Joe had driven as if on a mission to get to Florida, and I was wondering why I'd agreed to come. Our trip so far had been nothing but greasy diners and low-rent roadside motels. Joe didn't seem to mind, and why would he? He was used to this kind of life. All I wanted was to arrive wherever it was he was so all-fired up to get to. I'm afraid that I wasn't the best traveling companion, and I frequently let him know just how uncomfortable I was during the trip.

We didn't even stop at a hotel to freshen up before he drove me straight to what turned out to be the most magical place I'd ever seen: Weeki Wachee Springs. It didn't look like much when we first got there, but I had no idea what was in store for me. Joe led me to a pavilion and sat me down in a small theater that overlooked what seemed to be a large glass-fronted aquarium. I turned to give him a piece of my mind: we'd driven all this way just to see a fish show? My lands, we'd been driving along the Gulf of Mexico for almost the whole day, we could have seen all the fish we'd wanted without coming this far! But just as I started to speak, the music started, and he gestured that I should watch the tank.

It was as if I'd been sent staight back to my childish dreams in that Kansas swimming hole. The tank was filled with glorious mermaids! It was a mermaid show, something I hadn't even known existed. There were the most beautiful women dressed as mermaids, doing all kinds of acrobatics and amazing feats underwater. One of them even ate and drank and combed her hair, all without coming up for air.

I sat there, stunned but delighted, and wondering how on Earth had Joe known that this was what I'd needed, this brief and fanciful return to childhood? When the show was over, I turned to Joe, but I couldn't say a word. Joe simply looked back and said, "Happy Anniversary, honey."

We Get Sentimental

Margie: Edna, I must be getting feeble-minded because I'm going to tell you something I've never told you before. You best be nice or I'll never tell you anything else ever.

It was 1940 and I was out with my beau. Your beau had taken you to a moving picture. You know Daddy made us come home early if we went out? Well, my beau and I lost track of time so I got home well past curfew. I knew my tushie was in big trouble so I needed to find a way to sneak into the house.

I was peeking in windows to see if I could get in when my eyes beheld the most amazing sight. I heard music and then I saw them. Edna, Mama and Daddy were dancing! Yes, I said Daddy. They never knew what time I got home that night and that's why you didn't get in trouble either.

Listen, Edna. Here's what they were playing.




Edna: Oh Margie, what a sweet memory of Mama and Daddy! Thank you for sharing it with me, I always knew that Daddy was a softy.

Margie and Edna: growing up in Kansas

Margie: Edna, remember this corn field? We'd want fresh corn and we'd get our beaus to go borrow some.

Edna: Margie, there's nothing like the taste of locally grown corn, and they didn't use all those pesticides back then, either.

Margie: That's the truth. Remember how we'd bring the corn home and help Mama shuck it? She'd cut it off the cob and fry it up in that old iron skillet of grandma's.

Edna: My favorite was when we'd have those big corn boils after church and invite the neighbors over. Then Daddy would get out his fiddle after dinner and we'd all dance on the porch. I wish folks still did that.

Margie: Sister, you do make me laugh sometimes. Everybody loved it when Daddy got out the fiddle. What good fun we did have.

There was so little crime then, Edna, because we made things to do. We didn't go looking to find mischief. Remember how you loved to dance barefoot and Daddy thought you would shame the family?

Edna: Margie, Daddy never thought that and you know it! You're the one who practically accused me of dancing barefoot down Main Street, when you know good and well that I only did that on the porch. My lands, how you can taint such a wonderful memory is beyond me.

Margie: What's beyond me, Edna, is how you try to make people believe you were a saint when you know I know better.

Daddy said I'd have been a nun if we'd been Catholic but we weren't so there went my career.

Edna: I do believe you misunderstood Daddy; what he did was threaten to send you to a convent, usually at least once a week. Trust you to miss a detail like that.

Margie: That's it, Edna. I'm not talking to you anymore today.

Edna: Well, glory hallelujah folks, if I'd known it was this easy to get her to stop talking to me, I'd have said that years ago! Let's just enjoy the silence for a while, shall we?

*photo courtesy of Sharon, CT Daily Photo

Itty-Biddy: Tornado Chaser

Margie: Edna Alert!! Saved by a phone call. Cousin T and I get to live another day.

Yes, it's true. Old Edna called from the road. You should have heard her trying to get in my good graces. Seems they were almost home when Itty-Biddy saw a tornado and decided to chase it. Edna thinks they're now somewhere in Wisconsin.

The Biddy's are so mad at Edna that they said to tell me not to make up the guest room for them as they won't be staying. In fact, Itty said they'll just be tossing Edna out of the Biddy bus as they drive by the house.

I wonder if Cousin T could put a trampoline out there for Edna to land on? I'm going back to the basement.

Edna Does Hollywood

Dear Sister,

Did you know that there’s a Hollywood here in Florida, too? But people just look at me funny when I ask them which way to the movie studios. People are ruder here than they are back in Kansas, that’s for sure. Anyway, this postcard is of Hollywood Boulevard, which has this big circle right in the middle of it. We went round and round and round that thing on the Biddy Bus before we could get off of it. I like to fell over once we got home, I was that dizzy.

Shut up Margie, I can hear you saying something snide right now!

Love, Edna



Margie: Lord a mercy! I knew Edna would go down there and show her ignorance and I was right. I hope she doesn't tell them she's from Jericho because they'll think we're all hillbillies.

If Edna thinks she was dizzy from going in circles then wait until she finds out that I borrowed her new dress today and wore it for the mailman.

Margie and Edna go to the Drive-In

Margie: Edna, look here. Today is the day the first drive-in theater opened in 1933. My stars, I do remember going to the drive-in and eating that good popcorn. I remember other things too but I guess you'll run your mouth and gripe if I tell about those. You're a fuddy duddy, Edna.

Edna: It’s a thankless job trying to keep you on-track, Margie. I remember the first time going to the drive-in here in Jericho. My goodness, it was such an experience watching the talkies up there on that big outdoor screen! And from the comfort of your own car too, no one had ever heard of such a thing.

Margie: I remember. Daddy bought us each a box of that good popcorn and a big Coke. It was full of crushed ice. My goodness, that was real fun. Kids these days wouldn't know fun if it bit them on the rear.

Edna: That is most certainly true, Margie. You know, it’s a good thing that there are still some drive-in theaters in operation all over the country. Some right here in Kansas, too! The state’s oldest operating drive-in movie theater, the South Drive-in, is right down there in Dodge City, KS. Maybe we should get out the Model T and head on down for a movie.

Margie: Good idea, Edna. I'll get my bag.

Jerichon 2008

Edna: Margie, come look at this flyer we got in the mail, it's talking about something called "Jerichon." Have you heard about this?

Margie: Jerichon? What is that, Edna? I haven't heard a thing about it. Maybe they meant Jericho?

Edna: Oh my Lord, stop the presses, I've heard something before my sister did! Just a minute, let me calm myself down and I'll take another look-see at the flyer... Well, it looks like it's a convention for people who love Jericho. It says here that they're going to gather in Oakley, KS from May 23rd to the 26th, and all they're going to do is talk about our little town. Can you imagine?

Margie: Stop the dimwit! I knew that. I was just trying to stop you from going.

Why are they going to Oakley, Edna, when Jericho is right here? They could all drop by the basement.

Edna: I think you just answered your own question, sister. I wish it was closer to home so we could go. Do you think they'd send us a postcard?

Margie: You're right, Edna. Nobody wants to come see you. I believe that nice Morgan would send us a postcard. Maybe she could bring some food by too. I don't think we should try to drive that far since we're getting older now.

Edna: It surely doesn't look like anyone's going to offer us a ride to this thing, either. Well, if people want to know more about the convention, they can go here and take a gander. Looks like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

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Although online pre-registration has ended, you can still register at the door in Oakley this weekend.

Welcome To Our Basement

Hello friends and neighbors,

We are Margie and Edna. We have lived in Jericho, Kansas all our lives but we've decided it's time for us to branch out beyond our beloved town.

We'll still keep you informed of all the gossip-I mean the goings on here in town-but we're also going to talk about anything and everything else.

Well, Edna may want to air her dirty laundry (there's plenty of it) but I'm not. I have my sterling reputation to uphold. Edna's reputation has been sullied since we were school girls.

Edna, do you want to add any of your dumb words to my pretty speech?

Margie, the only thing I want to add is that our readers know the truth about me and the truth about you, and I trust them enough to realize those truths: I am perfect and you are a shameless hussy.

Lord, give me the strength to spend even more time with my sister without killing her. Thank you, Amen.