Our Family Tree

Margie: Edna, the Kansas winters are so harsh and we seldom are able to go out anywhere. Being cooped up inside all winter is no fun at all. I must say, though, that I'm glad you had the idea of us doing our family tree this winter. It's been fun.

I do have one concern, Edna. I've run across some relatives that have made me realize that part of our tree is a nut tree. What will we do about that?

Edna: I don't think there's anything much we can do about that now, Margie, unless you want to build yourself a DeLorean time machine like in that movie. You know, Mama and Daddy were so genteel, I was mighty surprised by some of our ancestors. Remember how we found out about Mean Joe Callahan, the wiliest con man this side of the Mississippi? I swan, the amount of money he swindled out of good, decent folks, it's just scandalous.

You know, I'm not sure we can hold our heads high in town anymore if any of this gets out.

Margie: That's what worries me, Edna, is this getting out. Look what I found. You think Mean Joe was scandalous? How about our ancestor, Naughty Nellie? She was a saloon girl in Oklahoma.

My stars! I'm not sure I know what some of these words mean but it says here that she was a paramour of Jesse James and assorted other cowboys.

Maybe she wasn't so bad after all?

Edna: Oh good grief, trust you to find the floozy in the bunch! I guess that's where you get your...ahem...fondness for cowboys from.

You know, I think part of genealogy is knowing when to quit looking. What do you say we just tell everyone we're descended from royalty and leave it at that?

Margie: I surely am fond of cowboys, Edna. Oops. my mind wandered.

I think you're right and we'd best quit. Let's just say we're descended from Princess Nellie.

Edna: Sounds good to me!

Edna gets a phone call

Edna: Now Margie, I know you don't like to hear anything that has to do with Aunt Biddy, but I need to tell you about a phone call I just got.

Margie: That's fine, Edna. Which funeral home did they send her to and I'm not going.

Edna: Honestly, Margie, I am alarmed at how heard-hearted you are! She's not dead, you nitwit. Well, unless she died some time after I hung up the phone with her a few minutes ago. She wanted to talk to me about her two boys who just got put in the Kansas state pen near here.

Margie: Lawsy me, Edna. What did those boys do now? Why did she want to talk to you about it? Because you almost went to the Pen once?

Edna: Margie, I did not almost go to the Pen! Good grief, you're thinking of the plot from that late-night movie we watched last week. Aunt Biddy says that her boys are in the Pen for check fraud. Bless their dim-witted hearts, they tried to cash those fake checks using their real IDs, and the coppers snatched those boys right up. Now, here's the real bad news...you'd best sit down for this.

Margie: I'll sit down, Edna, but you just remember I have my pistol aimed to shoot you right between the eyes.

Edna: Well then, it's a good thing that I had Cousin T hide your bullets. Aunt Biddy says her boys are going to be in prison for a year, and she wants to move here to stay with us while they're in the pokey, so she can be closer to them. You know how she dotes on her boys.

Margie: Edna, let me make myself perfectly clear. Wait and let me put my teeth back in my mouth.

I'd rather adopt Johnny Cash Biddy and Elvis Aron Biddy as to have Aunt Biddy anywhere near me. If you'd like to rent a house and move out with her then feel free. I have extra bullets and I will shoot the both of you. If that fails then I'll burn this house down so she has nowhere to stay.

Edna: Now hold on a minute sister, it's just like you to jump to conclusions! Did I say I told her "yes"? What I told her is that if those boys were darn-fool enough to get themselves into that kind of trouble, they deserve to be away from their mama. Maybe it might teach them a lesson about making better choices. Besides, I spent more than enough time with that idiot woman and her brood down in Florida this past summer, what makes you think I'd want to live with her for a year? That whole family is crazy, and I get enough of "crazy" just living with you.

Margie: Edna, it looks like I taught you something after all. You're a good sister. Well, sometimes.

Edna: Why Margie, you're making me blush. I told Aunt Biddy that if she calls here again, you'll be answering the phone. I don't think we'll hear from her for a good long while.

The Biddy Boys.
Aren't they a couple of handsome devils?

*photo courtesy of Photobucket