Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Edna: Personal taste in humor is an interesting thing. It's hard to predict, and even harder to explain. Some people like cerebral humor, some people gravitate to the silly. What makes me laugh isn't necessarily what makes you laugh, and that's okay. Goodness knows, if we were all the same, the world would be a boring place indeed.
Now, my sister frequently tells me how silly I am, and sometimes she's right. (But don't you dare tell her I said that!) The silly and the absurd tend to make me laugh out loud, which is why I'm sharing this clip with you for Fun Friday this week. It makes me giggle, and giggling just makes me happy, which is exactly what I need at the end of the week. Enjoy!
*rated PG-13 for mild adult language and content
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Edna: Margie, I heard the oddest thing when I was at the beauty parlor yesterday, but...I'm just not sure what to make of it.
Margie: Lawsy me, Edna, there's no telling what you heard in that place of old gossips. What did you hear?
Edna: You remember Junie Jenkins? Well, that Midge who does my hair down at the salon, she told me that her husband told her that he and his brother-in-law were called to install a big metal pole in Junie's rec room. The thing looked just like a fireman's pole, to hear Midge tell it. Now, what on earth would Junie want a fireman's pole for in her rec room? For the life of me, I just can't figure it out.
Margie: Well, maybe it's a toy for her kids or maybe Junie is practicing to be a firewoman. I can't think of what else it could be used for.
Edna: Come to think of it...maybe it has something to do with that exercise program we saw on the news the other night. You know, the one about the gals dancing around poles to lose weight? But surely no one would go to all the trouble of actually putting one of those poles in their house just to exercise, would they? What ever happened to just taking a walk?
Margie: I don't know much about new-fangled things, Edna, but I'd rather dance with a gentleman myself. Who wants to exercise with a pole? How can that make you lose weight ?
That reminds me of some Navy boys I knew. They sure loved to dance with me and I suppose we got a little exercise in if you catch my drift. Ahem! Did you want to try one of those poles, sister?
Edna: No way, not at our age! It sounds like a good way to break a hip. Not to mention it seems very unladylike, what with your arms and legs and whatnot all flailing around. I'll stick to my morning constitutional and leave the poles to the young folks, thank you very much.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Margie: Edna, I was just looking through this shoebox and found these old papers where Mama and Daddy bought this house in 1930. They paid $7100.00 for it when it was new. Lord a mercy, Edna, that wouldn't even pay our electric bill for a year nowadays.
Edna: Well, it might if you'd stop leaving the TV on all night! I swear, sometimes I think it's just a big square night light to you.
My lands, I wonder how much that amount would be today, with inflation factored in? It seems like a relatively small amount now, but it was a lot to folks back then.
Margie: That's what I was thinking, Edna, so I had an idea. Let's call the real estate lady and have her come over. She can tell us what the house is worth now then you can buy my half or we can sell the place and split the money.
I'm moving to California to live on the beach. By myself, Edna.
Edna: Oh happy day, she wants to live by herself! Will wonders never cease? You go ahead and call that real estate lady and see what she has to say. But if you think I'm buying out your half, you've got another thing coming. This house is way too much work for one old lady. I have half a mind to move to one of those assisted living places I saw on the news, where all the elderly gentlemen take Viagra and it's a non-stop party.
Margie: I'll call today, hussy. The only reason this house is too much work for you is because you expect to be waited on like a queen.
Yes, you should go to the home but I'm going to the beach where those half nekkid men don't need any Viagra.
Edna: You are a mean old shrew who completely underestimates the amount of work I do around here. Fine, go live by yourself, you'll see just how invaluable I really am. I hope those nekkid men take one look at you and run the other way. If they're sane, they will. Perhaps I should warn them ahead of time.
Admit it, though, Margie; if you moved away, you'd miss Cousin T something awful.
Margie: You're the shrew, you lying liar. Cousin T is going with me. I won't leave him here to be corrupted by you!
I'm taking Mama's silver too and the car and the still and several other things you don't need to worry about.
Edna: Oh no you don't, Mama said that silver was supposed to be split up between the two of us! Don't you make me call a lawyer over this, you thieving thief! And the car, too? You must be plumb out of your mind.
As for Cousin T, I can't imagine he'd willingly move anywhere with you. He's a sweet boy, but you'd best leave him here where he has friends. Besides, you'd traumatize him, carrying on with half-nekkid men the way you plan to. Hussy.
Margie: That does it, you flaming floozy. No way am I leaving here so you can be happy. I'll be staying right here to make your life as miserable as I can!
By the way, Edna, somebody spilled pancake syrup all over your bed. Hussy.
Edna: Well, if that SOMEBODY is planning on sticking around, then SOMEBODY had better go clean the pancake syrup off of my bed. Or SOMEBODY is going to get quite a surprise when they go to put their shoes on tomorrow morning.
Monday, May 25, 2009
We hope everyone has a safe and happy
And, as always, our deepest thanks go to the
men and women in the military
who have died while in service to our country.
Love, Margie and Edna
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefited most by 79 years of fresh air."
Joke courtesy of Pruneville.com
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons, property of Jonathan Smith
Friday, May 22, 2009
Margie: Every time Edna gets mad at me, which is more often than she'd admit, she always tells me that I'm not worth a plugged nickel. Has anybody ever told you that?
Here's something fun that should set the record straight. Just wait until Edna sees this. Try it for yourself.
Want to see how much you're really worth? Take this fun quiz and set people straight.
Hear this, Edna! My worth is $2,380,042.00. Eat your heart out. Too bad you can't sell me.
So, how much are you worth?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Image courtesy of the NYPL Digital Gallery
Edna: Margie, do you remember that young family who used to live next door to Joe and I when we were first married? It was that sweet couple with the little girl, Elaine. Well, I ran into Elaine at the market last week, and my goodness has she grown up! In fact, her hair is grayer than mine, but that's beside the point. She told me the most interesting thing.
Margie: Good Lord, Edna, that was near 70 years ago! Let me think. Yes, I do remember Elaine. She always came in the library to tell me hello.
What did that sweet girl tell you?
Edna: It was not that long ago, you harpy, you're always trying to tack extra years onto my age just to make yourself feel younger! She's actually in her 60s now, and her doctor told her that she's having trouble with high blood pressure and she needs to restrict her salt intake. But this was what was most interesting: her doctor also told her that her biggest problem was eating restaurant food, because it has so much salt added to it to enhance the flavor or to hide the fact that the food is not high quality. And he's not talking about McDonald's, he's talking about sit-down places like Red Lobster. Well, let me tell you, it did not surprise me one bit. Mama told us for years not to trust restaurant food and, as usual, she was right. It's a good thing that you and I make all our own food, at least we can control the quality and what goes in it.
Margie: Lie about your age all you like, Edna, but you can't fool me.
Mama was always right. I think she took after Grandma because Grandma taught Mama not to eat at just anybody's home because you never knew if they were clean. I'd say the same about a restaurant.
Besides, Edna, nowadays these restaurants are cutting back on portions while charging more. You and I don't put all those preservatives in our food. Why, it's no wonder my skin is like a 30-year-old's. I eat right!
Edna: Margie, the only way your skin looks like a 30-year-old's is if you're counting in dog years.
You know though, restaurant eating isn't all bad--at least at a restaurant, someone does all the cleaning up for you. I don't mind that one bit. Although, the flip side is that you take your chances finding odd objects in your food--you just can't win.
Margie: That's the truth if you ever told it, Edna. You want anybody but you to clean up. You act like you live in a restaurant and I'm tired of your messes.
I'm going to put on a pot of beans for my lunch and you can fix what you please, sister. You've made me mad.
Edna: Margie, your attitude calls for a quote from one of my favorite people to ever work in a restaurant: Kiss my grits!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Margie: Edna, I have good news and bad news. Well, maybe it's all bad news. I suppose it depends on who's involved. Yes, since you and I are involved then it's all bad news. Do you understand, Edna?
Cousin T called with family intelligence and you know how he finds out all the gossip. Come have coffee, Edna, so I can tell you what's going on. Where is Superman when we need him?
Edna: My lands, you're starting to give me fits with all your hemming and hawing. Just spill it already! What did Cousin T have to say? And do I need my nerve pills?
Margie: Yes, you need a nerve pill and I just took 2 with some Special tea.
Cousin T says Aunt Hattie Mae told Cousin Beau that she and her kids, Bess, Fess, and Tess, are coming to visit us today. Seems today is a holiday called Visit Your Relatives Day. We've got to keep them away from here, Edna.
Edna: Oh my stars and garters, we'd best lock up the good silver! I used to think there wasn't any bunch worse than Itty-biddy and her brood, but I plumb forgot about the terrible triplets and their crazy mama. Do you suppose we can just pretend not to be home when they come knocking?
Margie: That sounds like a plan, Edna. Let's lock all the doors and windows then shut all the curtains and blinds. We can hunker down in the parlor and be quiet and still.
Can you think of anything we need to bring in from outside so they don't steal it?
Edna: Hmm, I don't know. It's a good thing the still is in the basement already, at least we don't have to worry about them carting that away. We should bring in our rocking chairs, though; all we'd need is to go out to sit a spell on the porch after they leave and only find the seat cushions. Lordy, with that bunch, they're apt to dig up our rose bushes!
Margie, you'd best call Cousin T to come hide out with us, because you know if we don't answer the door they'll head straight to his place. And tell him to pick up some supplies on the way over, we should probably prepare for a multi-day siege. That group may be dumber than stumps, but they sure are stubborn.
Margie: Edna, I called Cousin T and he's on the way. He's bringing locks and chains to tie down everything outside.
He also had a good suggestion for us. He says we should put a note on the door saying we've gone to see the Biddy Bunch then Hattie Mae and her brood will surely light out for Biddy's.
Edna: For once, that boy had a corker of an idea! I'll go write that note so it will be all ready to go when Cousin T gets here. When you see his truck pull up, you go out and help him, and then the two of you get inside quick. We don't want to be caught unawares.
Margie: Aye, aye to you, Edna. Party time tonight.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Edna: Those of you who have been paying attention lately know that I have a soft spot for men who are light on their feet. And in my opinion, few have been lighter on their feet than Mr. Gene Kelly. My lands, but that man could dance! But did you know that he could dance on roller skates?
Gene Kelly appeared on skates in two movies that I know of: 1980's Xanadu and below, in 1955's It's Always Fair Weather. Watch this clip, and I guarantee that you'll be marveling at how he did it! (The best stuff happens from around the 2-minute mark on to the end.) Oh, and kids? Don't try this at home!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Margie: Edna, get your lazy rear out of that bed. You don't want to disappoint the children. Remember this is Reading Is Fun Week and we volunteered to help at the library.
I'm going to say something, Edna, but I'll deny it if you tell anybody. The children loved you last year and thought you were funny. You got quite a few of them interested in reading and I was happy to see that. Please try to act human today too.
Edna: As usual, Margie, I'm going to be gracious and accept the compliment while ignoring the insult. And I will say this: when you put your mind to it, you have a lovely reading voice. I know the children will enjoy having both of us read to them. I just love seeing all those little faces looking up at me, spellbound.
Margie: Edna, I know what you mean about those little faces. They do love a good story. I'm a firm believer in starting children as readers as early as possible.
Remember how Mama always read us a bedtime story, Edna? I do believe that's why we both love to read.
Edna: I think you're right, and we were truly blessed. Reading to these young children makes me think of Mama and how an adult can transfer a love of reading to a child. It sure would be nice if every child has someone in their life who would read to them.
All right, let's get going to the library, we've got young book-lovers to read to!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Edna: Margie, I saw a movie on the television a couple weeks ago, and I just have to tell you, it was the most wonderfully done and moving thing I have seen in a very long time. It was about a Polish woman named Irena Sendler, have you ever heard of her?
Margie: Wasn't she involved in helping people during the Holocaust, Edna? I know that movie was on TV and I had planned to watch it then my TV messed up.
You probably did something to it because I really did want to see that movie. Go ahead and tell me about the movie and her.
Edna: Well, the movie is available for free on CBS' website for anyone who hasn't seen it, and I urge all of you to go watch it. But don't forget the tissues, this is a very emotional movie.
Margie, you are indeed correct. Irena Sendler was a Polish Catholic woman who risked her own life to help thousands of Jewish children to avoid Nazi concentration camps during the German occupation of Poland in World War II. She worked tirelessy and carefully, but she was eventually caught by the Nazis. However, her story has a (relatively) happy ending, since she escaped from the Nazis and spent the remainder of the war in hiding. She lived until 2008, and she was 98 years old when she died.
Folks, I will tell you this: she had tremendous courage in the face of terrible and horrific odds. I do not know whether I would have had the same kind of courage, although I would like to think so.
Margie: Edna, you've got as much courage as Courage The Cowardly Dog.
It takes a special person to do what she did. I am so happy to hear that she managed to get out and live a long life. I best go watch that movie. I'll get tissue from your room first.
Edna: Margie, you go right ahead and use all of my tissues that you want. I'm feeling charitable after talking about Irena.
There is also a wonderful story about how four Kansas high school students in 1999 reached out to Mrs. Sendler, resulting in an unlikely but wonderful friendship. You can read more about it here: Life in a Jar: The Irena Sendler Project.
We should all take a page from Irena Sendler's book, and always look outwards to help others, no matter what the personal cost. She has become my hero, and I'm so glad to have learned about her.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Margie: Edna, today is a holiday. Yes, it's Eat What You Want Day. I know that today is not intended to mean you eat as much as you want. Rather, the goal is to eat something you otherwise wouldn't have. Well, that's a dumb holiday so I say let's eat as much as we want.
What would you like to eat today, Edna?
Edna: Well, I'm not an adventurous eater, so I definitely don't cotton to eating something I haven't before. I have spent my life avoiding strange foods, thank you very much. But Margie, I don't know about eating as much as I want of something, either. My digestive system just can't handle that kind of abuse these days.
So maybe I'll just eat something fun for me, but in moderation. That would have to be chocolate mousse--my lands, I sure do love that stuff! What about you, Margie, what are you going to eat?
Margie: Edna, you will never grow up. I've never seen such a big baby. There is nothing strange in this life but you.
Well, Cousin T said he's bringing over a mess of catfish so I found this Paula Deen recipe that I'm making.
You'll never guess what else I'm making, Edna. It'll make your mouth water.
Edna: First of all, don't you start with me, you're the one who said this was a dumb holiday! I was just going along with you and making conversation.
You can make your stupid catfish and whatever else you want for Cousin T, I'm sure he'll love it, that boy will eat anything. As for me, I'm sticking with my chocolate mousse. At least I know that won't give me the ptomaine poisoning like your lasagna did last month.
You may as well tell our readers what else you're making. They're more willing to tolerate your hot air than I am, bless their hearts.
Margie: Lord, help me stop myself from strangling this nitwit. Edna, you won't admit it but you know good and well that Mama made a dessert you loved pert near better than chocolate.
I wouldn't dream of offering you any so Cousin T and I will eat in the kitchen and we'd appreciate it if you'd go eat your moose in your room. I never have liked wild game.
Edna: "Wild game"? And you call ME a nitwit?
Margie: Oh good, Edna, you heard me. Yes, nitwit, dimwit, fruit loop. I'm going to my room before I slug you.
Edna: Big baby.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Margie: Edna and I may not agree on much but we do believe that animals are a blessing and they need humans to help them. That's why Edna and I are proud to announce that this week is Be Kind To Animals Week.
We hope everyone is kind to animals all the time but we're also hoping this special week may bring more attention to the subject. Why not give your animal a special hug today and tell your friends and family to do the same?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Image courtesy of the NYPL Digital Gallery
6-7AM: Margie wakes up Edna by banging on pots and pans outside of Edna's bedroom door. Edna threatens to send Margie to an old folks' home.
Edna cooks oatmeal for breakfast. Margie declares breakfast inedible, eats a Little Debbie instead.
7-11AM: Margie checks in on her favorite blogs. Edna accuses Margie of hogging the computer. Margie accuses of Edna of wanting to look up pictures of "nekkid" men. Edna accuses Margie of being a moron.
11AM-1PM: Margie settles onto the sofa to watch The Young and The Restless which is the only soap opera she enjoys. Edna chooses this time to lambaste the mailman for letting all her mail get damp in the rain. Margie tells her to shut up or Margie will duct tape her mouth. Edna stomps off to her room while Margie gets her Oreos out of her hidden stash.
1-3PM: Margie catches a nap on the couch. Edna walks to the store for a soda and chocolate bar thinking she won't have to bring anything back for a napping Margie.
3-4 PM: Edna calls Cousin T to come over and fix the hot water heater. Cousin T comes over with his tools, but quickly realizes that by "hot water heater," Edna meant "still." Cousin T agrees to fix it, but only if the ladies agree to hide it in the basement.
4-7PM: Margie fixes supper for Cousin T while Edna gripes. Cousin T tries to tell Edna that he loves Margie's cooking. Edna leaves, saying she'll skip dinner, but Margie and Cousin T know about all the food Edna hides in her room.
7-9PM: Margie and Edna discuss the day over a glass of elderberry cordial out on the front porch. The discussion quickly turns heated when Edna discovers that Margie has been placing "lonely hearts" classified ads on Edna's behalf in the Jericho Tribune. Although Margie claims that she just wants her sister to find a companion and be happy, Edna (correctly) suspects that what Margie really wants is for Edna to find a man whose house she can move into, thus leaving Margie in peace.
9-10PM: Margie watches the news while Edna gets ready for bed. Margie loves this time of day when Edna is quiet. Who wouldn't be quiet, Margie wonders, if they looked in the mirror and saw what Edna saw.
While Margie is watching the news, Edna quietly ransacks Margie's room, retrieving all of her belongings that Margie has snuck in there over the course of the day. She also steals one of Margie's shoes, knowing that it will drive her crazy the next day looking for it.
10-10:30PM: The ladies wish one another good night. Each of them says a separate, but oddly identical, prayer to get through the next day without killing one another.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Edna: You know, I was never one to watch reality shows, just ask my sister. But I've recently become enamored of "Dancing With the Stars," and I'll tell you why: Monsieur Gilles Marini. My lands, but that man can move across a dance floor! He reminds me so much of the handsome young men I met in Paris when I was just a sweet young thing. Watching Gilles do the waltz takes me back 60 years and makes me wish I could slip on a sequined skirt and flit across the floor again with a tall, suave Frenchman.
But since dancing Frenchmen are pretty scarce here in Jericho, I guess I'll just have to content myself with watching mon cher Gilles on YouTube and on DWTS until he gets voted off. Take a gander ladies (and gentlemen too, you know who you are), and enjoy watching Gilles and his partner Cheryl dancing the waltz from a few weeks ago. Just lovely, wouldn't you say?
*Photo property of Fred Goudon