Good health, BAD ideas

Edna: Margie, we’ve been pretty lucky so far in that we have enjoyed better health than two old ladies have a right to. But I know some people aren’t so lucky. And I think when you’re desperate for some relief from whatever ails you, you may not use the best judgment in choosing a product to help.

Margie: That's true, Edna. I've done many things to try and cure my hemorrhoids as you well know.

Edna: Margie, you have just given our readers way too much information.

I have seen some pretty crazy things in my day, but the ones on this list simply take the cake. I’m no medical doctor, but these just seem like bad ideas to me.

1. Botox. Yes, I know people in Hollywood love it, and even housewives have Botox injection parties. But any process that combines the words, “needle,” “face,” and “botulism injection” just seems like a bad idea, I don’t care if it is FDA-approved.

Margie: Edna, I saw Priscilla Presley on TV and she had that Botox face. Hers is the only face I've seen that's uglier than yours.

Edna: But at least I’ve aged gracefully, unlike someone else I could mention. Now, take a look at this next one:

2. The tapeworm diet. Now, I can’t tell for sure if this is a joke or not. Take a look, Margie, what do you think?

Margie: Edna, I am not even going to look at that. You know I'm not partial to any worm.

Edna: I don’t blame you, I almost threw up all over the computer. In this day and age when the cost of food has skyrocketed, would anyone seriously entertain this as a good way to lose weight? From their website: “How it works...You take one or two cysts and then the worm will attach to the wall of your small intestine. It will grow over the course of three months to a length of three feet. Then around day 85 you will take a dose of medicine to kill the worm. Then you let your body rest for a month and decide if you want do it again. You do this until you have achieved your weight loss goals.” Mind you, these “cysts” have been dissected out of an infected cow. You read that right: AN INFECTED COW. Still seem like a good idea? For a real eye-opener, take a look at their frequently asked questions.

3. Murine Earigate System. Okay, I admit, this one may not be as bad of an idea as it appeared on the TV commercials. Remember how we saw that commercial and thought they were blowing out the earwax with compressed air?

Margie: Yes, and you tried it and blew your brains out.

Edna: Hush, you ninny. I stand corrected about that commercial, because their website says that the product’s “patented reverse-spray nozzle gently sprays natural-source sea water backwards out of the ear, cleansing the canal without pressure on sensitive ear drums.” Sea water? Margie, remember that time we went on that family vacation to the Gulf Coast in our old Model T, and Mama made us put alcohol drops in our ears to get the sea water out after we went swimming? What is this world coming to when you'd actually spray it into your ears?

Margie: Mama wouldn't cotton to that idea one bit, Edna. We'd best stick to doing what Mama said.

Edna: I think you’re right. I swan, maybe we should start bottling up our special tea and marketing that as a health aid. If you squirted some of that in your ear, it surely would take care of the earwax right quick.