Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Redneck Relatives

Mama was a refined, gracious lady but that did not exempt her from having kin that embarrassed her.

Cousin Billie Jo is the daughter of Mama's baby sister. Poor Mama always said she couldn't understand how such an uncouth brood existed.

Cousin Billie Jo married John Rayburn Brummitt who is a kindly man but a drunkard. Mama once asked Billie Jo if John Rayburn drank and Billie Jo said, "Only when he's thirsty."


Margie: Edna, I got a letter from Cousin Billie Jo in Tennessee. You want to help me answer it?

Edna: Margie, you are welcome to answer that letter yourself if you have the time. Besides, I'm not speaking to Cousin Billie Jo since she called me wanting bail money, and then didn't even send a thank you note after it was wired!

Margie: Bail money? You never told me that!

Edna: What, you think I tell you everything? Just read the letter already, I don't have all day.

Dear Cousin Margie,

This here's yor cousin billie jo. I got youn's letter t'day and wuz glad to hear from youn's. That Edna always was a pistol ball. Ain't she? I told all the folks bout her-whatcha said n all bout her and them there town fellas.

Wish y'all could come see us. Been a long while since we seed youn's. John Rayburn's been tending to the farm as aways. Always sumthin to do round this here place.

John jr. dun gone and signed up to go to the army. Said he's had enuff schooling. Alma Jean got herself hitched down to the walmark parking lot. them walmark folks is nice They said we could have the weddin'doings down there seein how alma jean works for em and all. she was perty and a good time was had by all. we did miss yor special tea tho, Margie.

After the weddin' seems like the whole town showed up for dinner. smoked a pig all night before and made turnip greens. that was some fine pot likker. Oh, the girls from the Sunday school pulled out all the stops. They brung ever kind of them casseroles you kin imagine. Tater salad and beet pickles, and one of them kilt and fried 12 chickens.

Cousin Hershel snuck in some hooch & we all said we thunk of you & cousin edna.

Hear's a pitcher of John rayburn, hershel, and john junior.

Rite me back, Margie, and tell Edna we may come see youn's & bring the whole busload of kin with us.

billie jo



terocious said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
terocious said...

I deeleeted that last post cuz i cussed thru half of it. Then I remembered them little kids what read this.

Last time they brung the busload of kin it got stuck up to the axles in our front yard. Me 'n Alma Jean used to smoke cigarettes out back o' the wallmark on 610 she used to rub her hand along the white cinder block wall and say "one day I am going to be a reg'lar Wallmark queen." Guess her dream came true. I kinda had me a crush on her a little bit.

-Cousin T.

Balceroregontr said...

Y'all are jsut too funny.
Debby from SC

Margie and Edna said...

Edna here...

Why thank you, Debby, you're such a sweetheart. Your mama clearly raised you right.

Cousin T, I don't rightly know what to say to your comment. Now, you're a smart young man, I'm surprised at your horrible grammar. I expect it from Cousin Billie Jo, and even from Alma Jean, but not from you. You'd better straighten up and fly right, Mister Man. But I thank you for cleaning up your swearing, that was very responsible of you.


Sorry, I've got to break out of character here for a minute. If you guys knew how much Jane and I cracked up when we do these posts...well, you probably wouldn't be surprised. ;) Also, a special thank you goes to Pam, who helped Jane write the letter. Thanks Pam, it was awesome! :D


SaveJake said...

Well thank you bunches for the laughter!!! That was great! :D
Tero added an extra giggle too!!!

alpha99wolf said...

hahahhah. You ladies have some mighty fine cousins. Very funny. Thank you both for the laugh.

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