No-See-Ums

Margie: Edna, I was just in the garden gathering some cucumbers. I'm telling you these mosquitos are awful this year. They bite me day and night. They've done that since I was a little girl.

I looked them up on Giggle and it says they like sweet things. That must be true, Edna, because I'm one of the sweetest things around. Do you think that's why they bite me?

Edna: Margie, your capacity for self-delusion is truly astounding. The only time you were the sweetest thing around was when you made that lemonade and forgot to add the sugar.

But I'll tell you what, I can't stand those little biting no-see-ums either. I'm not going outside again this summer without some of my Avon Skin-So-Soft, that stuff is amazing for keeping bugs from biting.

Margie: I needed some repellent too so I borrowed some change off your dresser.

Edna, you think you're so smart so answer a question. I know about no-see-ums but how do people know they exist if you can't see um? Is it possible to turn a person into a no-see-um?

Edna: Oh Margie, how I wish it were.

Edna's Excellent Adventure

Edna: Margie, I've had it up to here with your constant nonsense, so you know what? I'm taking a vacation without you. I sold some of my old jewelry that Joe gave me while we were married, and I have enough to go on a short cruise. Hasta la vista, baby!

Margie: Thank the Lord for answering my prayers. You being gone will be my vacation for sure. Hop on down the road, fruit loop.

As you said, hasty up the vista. Yee haw!

Edna: Don't get too excited, I won't be gone forever. Just long enough to pick me up a sugar daddy, I hear there are all kinds of well-to-do gentlemen these cruises.

You know, I've wanted to go on a cruise ever since that Love Boat was on the television. Such a crush I had on that Captain Stubing!

Margie: Edna, you're not very bright. If you are going to try to pick up a sugar daddy then you'll be gone a very long time. You best take some running shoes if you plan to chase the gentlemen when they try to get away from you.

Be sure to climb to the highest point on the ship so you can look down and have a good view of all the men on deck.

Edna: Just for that snide remark, I won't be bringing you back any souvenirs. Now come help me pack, and bring that bikini you bought last week. I have a feeling I might need it.

Sunday Funnies

Two sad goodbyes

In a sad and surprising coincidence, America lost two pop culture icons yesterday: Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Farrah Fawcett had been struggling with cancer for some time; still, her death on Thursday was no less sad for having anticipated it. In a shocking coincidence, Michael Jackson also died yesterday after having gone into cardiac arrest at his home in California. Say what you will about Mr. Jackson's personal life and legal problems, you cannot deny his lasting contributions to the music industry. Ms. Fawcett also greatly contributed to American pop culture through her acting roles in movies and on television.

There will be many blogs talking about the life and times of both of these stars today. We would simply like to say that our thoughts and prayers go to their children and their loved ones. They will be missed.

The Tootsie Pops

Margie: Edna, I was having a piece of hard candy today and it reminded me of Daddy. Remember when we were girls and we'd wait for him to come home from work? He'd give us each a piece of hard candy. I loved peppermint.

Mama always had to scold you because you tried to eat your candy before dinner. I can hear Mama saying, " Edna, candy is to be eaten after your dinner." Glutton.

Edna: Margie, why must you take a nice memory and turn it into a chance to insult me? Not only that, but you're a big fat liar! Mama never said that to me, she said that to you.

I always loved horehound candy, I wish they'd start carrying that again down at the general store.

Margie: Edna, why do I bother trying to be nice to you? You're delusional and you never recall anything bad you did.

Here's some good news, sister. Go get your credit card because I've found a website that sells candy from our young days. I'd like to have some of these candy cigarettes. Mama hated those.

Edna: If you think I'm buying you any candy after you were so mean and hateful you're nuts, sister. And Mama didn't like those candy cigarettes because she thought they were low-class. It just figures you'd like those.

I always liked Tootsie Pops, I wonder if that website has those? You know, I had a boyfriend once who called me "Tootsie Pop."

Margie: Edna, forget it. You just made me want to barf. I don't have an appetite for candy after that Tootsie Pop remark. Gag.

Margie and Edna's trip to the library

Edna: Margie, how about you tell our nice readers about that embarrassing incident you started the other day at the library. Go ahead, tell them.

Margie: Why must you lie, Edna? It was you who acted out in the library. Do you really think I'd show out in my former place of employment?

Dear readers, my sister is not a nice person. Never go to the library with her and try to pick out a movie to watch.

Edna: I can see I can't trust you to tell an accurate version of events, so I'll just explain to our readers what really happened.

Yes, Margie and I did go to the library to pick out a movie to watch. But she was being her mean and hateful self, as usual, and she wouldn't agree with any of the wonderful movies I had picked out.

Margie: Edna threw a hissy fit because I wanted to get a nice Western. Edna wants to watch dancing or love stories. Give me a manly man and horse movie any time.

Edna, there was no need to yell in the library. I hope somebody tells Pastor.

Edna: Oh no, I'm not the one who was making all that noise and causing the library patrons to look at us like we were heathens. Didn't you see that young mother hustling her children away from you while you were having your conniption fit? She told me as she went by that she hoped my sister learned to control herself better in public. She meant you, you harpy.

And what's wrong with dancing or love stories? All you do with those Westerns is tell lies about how you used to date all the handsome actors. Besides, I look at a horse's rear end across the dinner table every single day, I for sure don't want to look at any more on the TV.

Margie: Edna, as usual you have lied to try to make yourself look good. You are trash but try so hard to hide it.

There's nothing wrong with dancing or love stories if we could hear them in the English language. Lord a mercy, that French screeching gets on my nerves.

I know, Edna. I always hold the mirror up at the dinner table so you can look at yourself and I don't have to. Ruin my appetite.

Edna: You see how she talks to me, folks? Margie, I hope you've got a back-up plan, because that security guard said they're not letting us back there for at least a month. That's the only place in town that had free movies, I hope you're proud of yourself.

Margie: I am proud because I have friends who will let me in and I'll get the movies I want to see for a change. Spoiled brat.

Margie: Bathing Beauty

Margie: Edna, I am not a summer person. I hate this heat. I'm finally going to do something about it.

If you don't want me to go nekkid in the yard then you best look at these bathing suits I picked out and tell me which one would look best on my curvy body.

Edna: Just how many of those bathing suits are you planning on wearing at a time, Margie? You're going to need at least five if you want to cover all your curves.

Oh, all right, if I must choose then I like the one on the left. I'd best go call the neighbors and warn them you'll be out and about, flaunting your whatnot out in the front yard. They'll want to make sure they keep their children safely inside the house.

Margie: Good Lord, what an idiot you are! Why would I want to cover my curves, Edna? I'm going to get the bathing suit that shows the most curves then I'm pulling my lawn chair out by the mailbox. I'll lay and wait to see which gentleman stops first.

You worry about your own whatnot, nut case.