The Kindergarten Life

Margie: What is the world coming to, sister? Look a here at this story about kindergartners getting these iPad thingys. In my day we learned how to read from a book and we looked up subjects in an encyclopedia. Kindergarten used to be for kids to learn how to read and write and color pictures. This old world is getting too fancy for me.

Edna:  Maybe you're just behind the times, sister.  Today's children have to prepare for the world they're going to live in, not the world they already live in.  I just hope they won't be doing all their work on an iPad, that would be a sad state of affairs.

Margie: You're being a nitwit but that's what you are. I guess you can't help it. It's a sad day when children aren't being taught the basics. I suppose the teachers will all be without jobs soon because they won't be needed. I fear for those poor children who don't have the joy of reading a real book.

Edna:  Margie, if you read that article you'll see that they are being taught the basics but the school is just using technology to do it.  I want them to know the joy of reading a real book too, and I bet they will.  This is just helping them learn.  At least there will still be a real live teacher, it's not like they're being taught by a robot.  Well, not yet anyway.

Margie: Mark my word, Edna, if the government can find a way to save money by swapping robots for teachers then they'll do it soon. Maybe the robots would even like that lunchroom food.

The Callahans

Margie: Edna, come help me write this letter to my friends in Hollywood. I know a lot of TV people and I'm going to let them know that these reality shows on TV are junk. Who cares about these boring Kardashians or the Braxton family? Not me. Once The Callahans hit the screen then we'll be the only reality show worth watching.

I must say, though, that I don't want cameras in my bedroom or bathroom.

Edna:  Good Lord, NOBODY wants cameras there, believe me.  And if you think I'm going to consent to being on a reality show with you, you're nuts.  I value my privacy too much, and I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see what a lunatic you are. 

Margie: I don't care if you consent or not because I'm the one who will be what the show is about. The only reason you value your privacy is because you're afraid somebody will see you without your dentures.

Edna:  Fine, you just go ahead and do your stupid reality show, but I know the law.  They can't show me on the TV without my permission, and no way am I signing anything that allows that.  And don't you say anything about my dentures, you've had them longer than I have.

Margie: Don't you worry, sister, because I'm not about to let them film you. I don't want people to think they're watching the "Walking Dead."

Happy Thanksgiving!

May you and yours have the happiest of Thanksgivings!

Love, Margie and Edna

Prim and Proper Returns

Margie: I found an interesting article in the Jericho Times today, sister. It says that "prim and proper" styles are coming back in fashion. Go get your clip on earbobs and drag out those old head scarfs. You know you've always thought you were the Queen of prim and proper anyway.

All the famous fashion designers are working on this old stuff. Everything will be covered from the knees to the neck. I guess you like that?

Edna:  Goodness knows I don't want to see anything between YOUR knees and neck. 

I think it's high-time that sort of style came back.  But you know, it's not that I like it because it's prim and proper, but because that style was so clean and fresh looking.  None of these wacky colors and patterns, just cool elegance.  Like Grace Kelly or Katharine Hepburn.  Those designers aren't dumb, they know people want more Jackie O and less Brittney Spears these days.

Margie: You'd look nice, Edna, if you'd tie a head scarf around your face. I guess you'll be dragging your white gloves out of mothballs too?

Mama always said you acted like you thought you were a movie star. Will you be getting your bouffant back too, Edna C.?

Edna:  Oh honey, I've just been waiting for a chance to bring back the white gloves and the bouffant!  I've got my movie star sunglasses, just like Jackie O's, and my pencil skirts and clutch purses.  I'm just pleased as punch that this "mid-century" craze has caught on.

And really, this world could do with a little more class and a little less crass.  You'd best take some notes, sister.

Margie: Lord help us. What's next, nitwit? Shall I expect to see Baked Alaska on the table next Sunday?

Speaking of punch I'm going to go make a gallon. I believe I'll make that Lime Sherbert Punch to match your movie star hair.

Edna:  No Baked Alaska, but I believe a molded Jell-O salad is in order.

Margie, you need to get your eyes checked, my hair is not now nor was it ever green.  The lady at the hair salon called this shade "Lovely Lilac" and it matches my favorite lavender sweater set perfectly.

Margie: I love Jell-O salad, sister. Make some Kool-Aid too.

I call it Putrid Purple and it matches nothing I've ever seen.

Edna:  You're a horrible, hateful sister.  You can just keep your opinions to yourself or I'll hit you over the head with my alligator handbag.

Margie: I hope there's a live alligator hiding in there.

Edna:  Why don't you come over here and find out, you harpy.

Margie: Why don't you kiss my bouffant?

Walking Dead

Edna:  Margie, aren't you glad I made you start watching The Walking Dead?  I swan, it's one of my very favorite things to watch, which is something I never thought I'd say about a zombie apocalypse story.

Margie: I get you and those zombies mixed up. I do like that cute boy, Daryl, because he's got spunk. I don't like that Shane and I can't wait to see what he does when he finds out he's going to be a baby daddy. Edna, do you think he's going to find out soon?

Edna:  Well, that Lori and her chicken arms doesn't seem like the most straightforward person in the world, so my guess is she's never going to tell Shane.  She's just going to finagle it some how to make that poor Rick think it's his.  Let's hope Rick is good at math, if you catch my meaning. 

Margie: What you mean, sister, is that Chicken Arms is a dang floozy! She was sleeping with that Shane before she even grieved for what she thought was her dead husband!

I hope Rick finds out and feeds Shane to the zombies. They wouldn't want her because she has no meat on her bones!

Edna:  Pretty handy there's a barn full of zombies right there.  I bet they'd eat Chicken Arms, they must be mighty hungry right now.

You know what I'm hoping is that we find out soon what happened to Sophia.  That's dang near driving me nuts, and poor Daryl doesn't seem like he's going to rest until he finds her.  Which is unexpectedly sweet for him.

My favorite survivor right now is that sweet Glenn. Even if he and Maggie have gotten a little closer than her father is comfortable with, I still like that boy.

Margie: Lordy, I'm tired of that search for Sophia. She needs a good spanking when they find her. 

I like that Glenn too. He and Maggie are sweet together. I hope he doesn't become a baby daddy too!

Maybe Maury Povich should visit and figure out who's the daddy?

Edna:  Maury's probably a zombie by now, Jerry Springer too.

I have some bad news, though:  I think they're gearing up to do a mid-season hiatus soon.  I think that after the episode after Thanksgiving, we won't see any more of these folks until February.  And you just know they'll do a cliffhanger!  Best get your heart pills ready.

Margie: Sister, hiatus is a fighting word in these parts! The only hiatus that interests me is the one you take.

Are you gone yet?

Fantasy Friday

Margie: I declare, Edna, that I'm amazed by new trinkets like these chocolate diamonds. They're right pretty but do you think they're made from real chocolate? They could cause a person to have sticker shock. I didn't know chocolate was so expensive although I sure can't afford M&M's anymore.

Edna:  Margie, those "chocolate" diamonds and pearls just go to show what idiots you and the American buying public are.  Because "chocolate" equals "brown," and who wants a dingy brown diamond on their hand or ears?  I swan, it's all a conspiracy to get you people to buy inferior and ugly gemstones.  It's only because Madison Avenue has convinced you that they're so special that anyone even wants them.  And don't even get me started on the YELLOW diamonds.

Margie: I am not an idiot, sister. Chocolate isn't brown; it's chocolate. I bet those diamonds are like my M&M's and won't melt in your hands or on your ears. Who's the idiot now?

Yellow diamonds? I guess you're trying to say they aren't really gold? You confuse me, Edna.

Edna:  Well, you're easily confused.  Those yellow diamonds are just like the chocolate diamonds, dingy and ugly, and they're most definitely not gold.  I have my doubts that they're even real diamonds.  And you ARE an idiot if you think that "chocolate diamond" jewelry is really made out of chocolate.  If that's what you think, then I've got a bridge in New York to sell you for cheap.  Idiot.

Margie: Edna, if you own that bridge then half of it is mine. Who's the idiot now, sister?

Edna:  I'd say I'm looking at her.

Have a Merman Christmas!

Edna:  Margie, I think I may have found your Christmas present, but I'm not sure I should buy it for you.  It panders to your lowest tastes, and I'm just not sure I want to do that.

 

Margie:  Oh Edna, I want one of each! Well, maybe 2 of those Candy Cane ones. I'll wash dishes for a year and never complain.

Edna:  Margie, I do believe I'd like a signed and notarized statement to that effect.  Merry Christmas to me!

Margie: Not so fast, nitwit! I wasn't born yesterday. I want to see the ornaments first. I'd best go buy some hooks too so Cousin T can hang all my ornaments from my bedroom ceiling.

Edna:  Lord knows it's been MANY yesterdays since you were born.  You've seen the ornaments, you idjit, they're all right there on that website.  I'll only buy them for you if you provide proof that you're going to stick to your promise.  Otherwise, it's lumps of coal in your stocking this year.

Margie: Edna, it makes me sad to think you don't trust your own sister. I'm glad Mama isn't here to see this. I'll get the proof and hand it to Deputy Jimmy when you show up with my ornaments then we'll trade.

No sister has ever made a life more complicated!

Edna:  You take all the joy out of gift-giving, Margie.


Photo courtesy of Blogadilla.com.  To see the Merman Christmas ornaments in all their glory, head over to Diamonds of the Sea.

Occupy Grocery Stores

Margie: Edna, you know those Occupy Wall Street people? I thought they were probably just a bunch of hippies looking for a handout but I was wrong. I think we should start our own Occupy movement and call it Occupy Grocery Store. How do you like that? I'm sick of these greedy corporations raising prices and cutting the size of everything. They draw the big bucks while our checks never go up. I say we gather all senior citizens and put them on the front lines. How will it look for the police to haul old ladies like us to jail?

Edna:  Oh honey, I do think you might be on to something.  And I certainly have plenty to say to those greedy food companies.  They think we won't notice when they put our favorite food in smaller packages and then charge us more.  They must honestly think that we're a bunch of morons who don't notice anything farther than the end of our collective noses.  I think it's time for the American buying public to rise up and say "Heck no!" to re-packaging and higher prices, and show those corporations a thing or two. 

Should we pack a lunch?  We might be protesting for a while and I don't want to faint from hunger.

Margie: Preach on, sister. Down with greed! Up with cheap Oreos!

Sister, let's take that old cooler of Daddy's. I'll fry some chicken and you pack the white bread and sardines. Should we take something sweet? Besides me?

Edna:  Grab the cheap Oreos and let's get this thing started.  You go cook, I'm activating the church phone tree and find us some warm bodies to go with us.

Margie: Edna, be sure to call Mr. Green. He lost his wife recently so he'll be anxious to join us. Actually, why don't you ask the men's Sunday school class to go? Tell them to bring some cards.

Edna:  Oh no you don't, you hussy.  This is a protest, not an  old-fogey mixer!  If those men come along then all you floozies will lose your focus, and I won't have that.  We'd best make this a ladies-only gathering.

You'd best get to cooking, woman, so we can start protesting.  Now hop to it!

Margie: Edna, who died and told you that you were in charge of all this? Maybe I'll handle the protest and you can go Occupy Jericho jail!

Thank you.

Every day, not just on Veterans Day, we are profoundly grateful to our American soldiers for the freedoms we enjoy.

Thank you, all of you.

Talking Turkeys

Margie: Edna, I'm as mad as an old wet hen! I went to Gracie's Market this morning to buy the ingredients for my Green Bean Casserole. I never saw such high prices in all my life. I took Gracie aside and told her she needs to lower her prices. She wasn't very nice and asked what would happen if she didn't. I told her she'd be sorry because you would not be happy if Thanksgiving rolled around and you didn't get your favorite casserole.

Edna:  But Margie, I thought you were going to Paris for Thanksgiving this year?  What happened, did the government finally put you on the no-fly list?

Margie: No, nitwit, I decided to stay home and roast an old turkey that's lived here far too long to suit me!

Edna:  Try as you might, I won't let you ruin my Thanksgiving.  Why, I'll even make you your favorite dessert, pecan pie!  That ought to sweeten you up.  I know how much you love your pecans, and we can only afford them during the holidays.

Sister, since I'm making this pie for you, why don't you give me the money for the pecans?  They're about $10 for a shelled bag.  Go get your coin purse, I'll wait.

Margie: I'm not paying when you claim you're making the pie for me. Mrs. Smith makes a better pecan pie than you do anyway. Why don't you try to sweeten up and let's have one Thanksgiving when you're not so dang crabby?

Edna:  You first, sister.

Margie: I'm going out to eat and you can sit home all alone.

Edna:  Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Margie: Edna, kiss my crabby Thanksgiving grits!

National Sleep Comfort Month

Margie: Edna, it says here in the paper that this is National Sleep Comfort Month. I can tell them a few things about sleep comfort! First, you need a good mattress and box springs. Next, you put freshly laundered bedclothes on the bed. Third, you take a hot bath and lotion up your body. Finally, put your dang earplugs in if you're like me and have a sister who snores like a freight train.

Edna:  You know what would make me sleep comfortably, sister?  You sleeping in another house completely!  I'm afraid to go to sleep at night lest you come rummage in my belongings for something to pawn. 

I'm with you on the freshly laundered bedclothes.  There's nothing like slipping into a bed made with fresh sheets.  Even better if they've been dried on the clothesline outside.  Reminds me of the good old days when we'd help Mama with the laundry.  Margie, remember that time she made you pin up all the wet laundry by yourself as punishment for breaking my baby doll?  That was a nice day.

Margie: Edna, no pawn shop would buy that junk you call treasure. I didn't break your dang doll. Mama wouldn't believe me when I said Mrs. Pastor's son did it.

I'll tell you how to have the most comfortable night's sleep ever, sister. Get in between those freshly laundered sheets with a freshly showered gentleman like Jensen Ackles!

Edna:  Well, isn't that just a typical floozy solution from you!  I think I'm going to stick with warm milk with honey before bed, and leave the catting around to the likes of you.  Just don't disturb my sleep, you hear me??

Margie: Edna, jealousy has never become you. I can help you sleep once I get my pistol.

Fantasy Friday

Margie: Edna, I'm tired of the same old Thanksgiving. You always have to have
things like they've been for all our lives. We always have turkey and that nasty
cranberry sauce plus your watery potatoes. I mind my manners and try to
eat that stuff but I'm done. I'm doing something different this year.

Edna, I'm going to have Thanksgiving in Paris. How do you like that?

Edna:  I say bon appetit!  The farther away from me you are, the better, especially at the holidays.  I'll finally get to enjoy what I want for a change without having to hold my tongue while you pout and whine because I didn't make something just the way you like it.  Sounds like pure bliss to me.

Margie: Sister, I am so glad you feel that way! You just feel free to cook anything you like. I'll even bring back some of those French candies you like.

May I borrow your credit card now, sister?

Edna:  Oh honey, if you think I'm going to finance your trip then you'd best think again.  This was all your idea, so you can just do your fundraising on your own.  And no, "fundraising" does not include emptying out my coin purse or ransacking my room for valuables to sell.

 

Margie: Edna can ruin a fantasy quicker than anybody else I know.

Thanksgiving memories

 

Margie: Edna, I love November and all the smells and pretty leaves. I sure miss our folks though. November reminds me of Thanksgiving and that always reminds me of Grandma Callahan. Remember how we'd go to her house and get so hungry because it smelled wonderful? I remember the cinnamon most. We did get in some trouble a few times though.


Edna, remember how Grandma would give each of us a ball of dough and a rolling pin? She'd let us roll out that dough then cut out cookies in any shape we liked. Lawsy me, remember that time my rolling pin flew out of my hands and hit you upside the head? I'll never forget the look on your face!


Edna:  I cannot believe you are bringing that incident up in the midst of so many other happy memories.  That was not an accident, no matter what you say.  If Grandma Callahan hadn't been standing right there, you can bet your bippy you'd have been sporting a matching goose egg on your own head!


She was a wonderful baker, remember?  Her biscuits were light as air and her fruit breads were always in demand at the church bake sales.  Too bad she wasn't able to teach you how to cook, sister.


Margie: Too bad that rolling pin didn't knock you into another century.


Edna:  Go ahead and insult me all you want, you shrew, but you're not going to taint my memories of our grandmother.  Thanksgiving was always a wonderful time at her house, she loved the holidays.  Remember the year she put a pilgrim hat on the pumpkin?  Mama and Daddy laughed so hard when she brought that to the table, I thought they were going to choke!


Margie: Edna, I have good memories too. Remember that year that you got into the grape salad and couldn't eat dinner with the rest of us because you were sick? Oh, I really enjoyed that year when you had the measles and had to stay in the parlor.


Grandma loved Daddy like he was her own son. She always made his favorite custard. Why don't you go whip us up some custard, sister?


Edna:  Why don't you come here and get acquainted with my rolling pin?