The fake birthday

Edna: Margie, come in here for a moment, I think you have some explaining to do.

Margie: What do you want? I'm resting. My tummy hurts.

Edna: I just bet it does, I saw the huge slice you took out of that chocolate cake I baked for the Ladies Auxiliary meeting tonight! But that's not what I want to ask you about. I want you to explain this big pile of presents on the front porch, all with your name on them. What kind of nonsense have you been up to now?

Margie: I didn't touch your cake. Presents? On the porch? Maybe Santa's memory is going and he brought my presents early. Let me open them and I'll figure it out.

Edna: You stop right there, I'm not done with you yet. First of all, you've got frosting on your face so I know you're lying about the cake. Second of all, are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me about how these presents got here?

Margie: I didn't lie, I didn't touch it. Not with my hands anyway.

Well, I did hear a rumor that one of the ladies insisted my birthday is tomorrow so they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them it's not.

Edna: Oh please. If you think I believe that you told them not to give you presents, then you need your head examined. You bamboozled those poor folks and let them think your birthday is tomorrow when you know darn well that's a lie. And I know for a fact that you handed out an itemized gift list to all the ladies in town. Mrs. Pastor showed me her copy when she came over earlier to drop off her present; you even signed it, you idiot!

Unless you want me to call Deputy Jimmy and have you arrested for extortion, you'll get on the phone right this minute and admit to everyone what you did.

Margie: I'll do no such thing. Unlike you, I'm not going to hurt their feelings. They wanted to give me presents so you tend to your own business.

Unless you'd like me to tell Mrs. Pastor about that night you spent in Reno.

Edna: Well, you just added slander to your list of chargeable offenses. Keep it up and they'll send you to the hoosegow for the rest of your natural-born days.

Besides, you can't prove anything about my visit to Reno, so you just mind your Ps and Qs.

Margie: Look at this smutty picture. I have copies. Presents for me or copies for the ladies????

Edna: You know as well as I do that pictures can be doctored, you lying liar! But I'm tired of arguing with you so let's make a deal: you get rid of those pictures and I'll let you keep one or two of those presents. Deal?

Margie: The deal is you give me that cake, I open all my presents, and you can have this picture. I'm off to get more cake. Toodles.


Clip art courtesy of DailyClipArt.net

Margie's Swimming Pool

Margie: Edna, I'm all set for summer. Look at the swimming pool Cousin T & his boss made for me. The Margiedales are out of nursing school for the summer so we'll be hanging in the pool.

I asked Meals On Wheels to deliver my food to the pool every day too. Guess what, Edna? I can even stay in the pool while one of the boys drives us to Grace's Market to buy Pepsi.

Edna: Lord in heaven, Margie! Just when I think you can't embarrass me more, you sink to new lows.

You mark my words right here and now: if you go driving down the street in that thing, I'm going to call Deputy Jimmy and report a moving violation. You and the Margiedales are in for a heap of trouble, sister.

Margie: Sister, the only moving violation in this town is your mouth!

Edna: Just don't you forget that we have decency laws around here, too. I'm not coming to bail you out of jail because you've been riding around town topless, you floozy.

Fun Friday: watermelon

Edna: I love this time of year, when the summer fruits are getting ripe and sweet and it's easy to find wonderful produce everywhere you look. You know, I've got watermelon on my mind this week.

Edna: If you find yourself a high-quality melon, you don't have to gussy it up to enjoy it in all of its glory. My favorite method is to simply cut it up in slices and dig your face right in (seed-spitting is optional). But if you're dead-set on making something fancy, or you've got company over, then you might want to give these recipes a try.

Chilled Watermelon Soup Sounds yummy! But made with wine, so probably not a good choice for the kiddies.

Watermelon Granita Cool, and refreshing for all ages!

Watermelon, Feta, and Red Onion salad For you adventurous types.

Folks, what's your favorite way to eat watermelon?

The Lemon Gooey Butter Cake Debacle

Margie: Edna, Mrs. Pastor called this morning and asked how I'm doing. She's so sweet. I told her I'm a little weak because you wouldn't fix my breakfast.

Look what she brought me while you got your bath.

Edna: Margie, I never thought I'd see the day where you'd lie to the wife of a man of God! I did so fix you breakfast, you just refused to eat it. It's not my fault that the doctor won't let you have brown sugar on your oatmeal any more.

That was nice of her to bring you a cake but I consider that ill-gotten goods. You call her right now and tell her to come get it and take it back home with her. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Margie: Edna, it's all gone. So is the milk. Could you go to the store, sister?

Edna: After you slandered me to Mrs. Pastor? Not on your life.

Oh, and I'm calling the doctor right now and telling him all about that cake you just ate, so I hope it was worth it.

Margie: Edna, have you forgotten how Daddy said nothing is worse than a tattle tale? You have no respect.

Edna: That's okay, the doctor will be able to tell you haven't been minding him the next time he checks your cholesterol. Then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Margie: Kiss my... grits, hussy.

On this day in history....

June 22, 1939: The Future Queen of England, Elizabeth, meets her future husband, Phillip.

More Notable Events on June 22:

• 1991: Underwater volcano, Mount Didicas, erupts in Philippines
• 1983: First time a satellite is retrieved from orbit, by Space Shuttle Challenger
• 1911: King George V of England crowned
• 1910: First zeppelin with passengers sets afloat
• 1870: Congress creates Department of Justice

*Information courtesy of Brainy History

Words to live by

"Maxine" is the property of Hallmark

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all you Dads out there!

Love, Margie and Edna

Feed Fido Friday

"Every dog that finds itself in a shelter has a story. Our goal is to help make sure those stories have happy endings. That’s why we created The PEDIGREE® Adoption Drive, a campaign initiated in 2005 by PEDIGREE® Brand. This annual adoption drive—active around the world—has helped raise awareness of, and funds for, dogs in need. Ready to get involved? It’s as easy as falling in love with a dog."

Eat your veggies!

Margie: Edna, today is Eat Your Vegetables Day so we're going to try something new. I'm going to make us a vegetable lunch and dinner. You can even use some of my unsalted butter on them. Edna, don't argue. At our age we could use a little extra health. Edna: I'm not going to argue, I like vegetables. What are you going to cook for us? Margie: Fresh tomatoes, squash, corn, watermelon, and chocolate cake. I'm getting hungry. Edna: Margie, the last time I checked, chocolate cake was not a vegetable. Margie: Well, it is now because I put vegetable oil in it. That's healthy. Edna: I've heard that some people put pureed spinach in chocolate cake to make it healthy and trick their children into eating vegetables. That would certainly make the cake healthier, but I still reserve the right to put homemade chocolate frosting on it. We can't totally lose our heads over this "healthy eating" kick the doctor has you on.

Margie: I won't be having any spinach, sister, but you feel free to whip up that homemade frosting.

Image property of Rosemary Ratcliff, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Smile Power!

Margie: Would you look at this, sister? It's Smile Power Day today. Let me explain this to you. Instead of frowning and complaining all the time you can try smiling. I know you're not a happy person but you might have more friends if you'd smile more.

Go look in your broken mirror and practice.

Edna: Folks, do you hear how she talks to me? My lands, it's no wonder I don't have any reason to smile! Margie, if you want me to smile more then you're going to have to be a whole lot nicer.

Margie: When pigs fly or I marry Jensen Ackles. I'm as nice as I can be and you still don't smile. The only time I might think you're smiling is when your stomach hurts.

You'd feel much better, Edna, if you'd smile at everybody. Who knows? The neighbors might invite you over for a visit.

Edna: Margie, I don't know. It sounds like what you need is to smile more. That and a whole bushel full of prunes, you're awfully crabby today. Maybe you should go sit out on the porch and smile at the neighbors, let them enjoy your sunny disposition for awhile.

Margie: I suppose you're right, sister. This healthy diet is making me nuts plus I can't have my cough syrup. The only thing that makes me feel better is making you nuts too.

Edna: Lucky me. I'm going to go lock myself in the basement and smile for a while. And I'm taking the cough syrup with me.

Some of our "new" favorite blogs

Edna: You know, I'm a big fan of bloggers. Being one myself, I know how hard it is to constantly come up with new and interesting content. It's also hard to find new and interesting blogs, but thank goodness there's no end to the creative and talented people out there in the Interwebs.

Here's one of my new favorites: No Pattern Required. I love the concept, it's all about "mid-century" and "vintage/retro." Now, in my day the kind of things she talks about were called "futuristic" and "space age" but I'll let the young lady have her fun. One of my favorite recent posts was where she picked a recipe from an old cookbook and tried it out on her husband. I gather she does this quite a bit, but this one was just hilarious, especially her husband's reaction after his first bite. Dear, you are a much braver cook than I am.

Margie, do you have a new favorite blog you want to talk about?

Margie: You just hold your horses, sister. First, you're not a real blogger because you're boring. I'm the one who finds the interesting content. Secondly, I have no doubt she's a braver cook than you and I expect she doesn't burn everything either.

Yes, I do have a blog I like. It's called Vixen Vintage. The fashions and the pictures remind me of my own vixen days. I was quite the fun lady as you well know. The gentlemen found me to be most enticing.

Edna: Oh, and I think we ALL know what "fun lady" is a euphemism for, you floozy. I will leave you your delusions about the reasons for your popularity since they keep you occupied and out of my hair for the most part.

I like that Vixen Vintage blog, too. You have to admire a modern girl who loves all things vintage. People had so much more style in the old days, and things were obviously much better constructed back then since they're still around. Today's junk breaks or rips as soon as you use it once.

I guess we're on a vintage kick, since another of my new favorite blogs is The Archive Digger. It's actually a nice mix of old and "new" news, if you will. Which I guess is a theme with our blogs today: modern folks with one foot in the past.

Margie: Well, that's better than having one foot in the grave, sister. People can look at us and see how well constructed we are for sure.

Edna: Hmm. I think "well constructed" is yet another euphemism for something, but I agree that the good things seem to stand the test of time.

Because sometimes you just need a laugh

Edna: And if this doesn't make you laugh, even just a little bit, then I wash my hands of you.

Iced tea to quench your summer thirst

Margie: Edna, today is National Iced Tea Day. I wonder how much iced tea we've had to drink in our lifetime? Daddy sure did love tea. Mama always had a big pitcher in the fridge for him.

I think Cousin T is the only person who can drink as much tea as Daddy did. What do you think, sister?

Edna: I don't know, I've seen you put away gallons of the stuff then blame me when it's all gone. Speaking of which, we're all out so you'd best go make some more.

Margie: I'm not well, sister. The Dr. told me not to lift any pans. The best I can do is hold a tea glass then I run to the potty chair because of this medicine.

Ouch! Call my male nurse. Hurry!

Edna: Oh, I can hear the violins playing now. But you're right, the doctor said you should rest so I'll go brew us up a fresh batch of iced tea. But I don't want to hear any complaints about how I made it. Deal?

Margie: Deal. Make sure you put enough sugar, Edna. Oh, don't put ice in it until it cools off.

Edna: Good Lord folks, next thing you know she'll want me to call her "Your Majesty" and curtsy when I bring her a glass of iced tea. Kiss my grits, your royal highness!

Disaster in the Gulf

Margie: Edna, come help me write our Congresswoman because I'm hopping mad. Have you seen what that BP oil spill has done to the poor wildlife? I want BP charged with animal abuse then I want that CEO tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

Edna: Better yet, maybe they should just dunk him in the Gulf of Mexico a few times. I bet that would fix his little red wagon.

It's a sin what's happening down there right now, and that's no lie. Whenever I think about it I just get so darn angry. Maybe I'd best take a few deep breaths for a moment.

Margie: Let me write that down about dunking him. Good idea.

Yes, you take some deep breaths. I know how you get when you get so mad. You start turning red and sputtering. Maybe I'll tell our Congresswoman that you're the perfect person to find a solution to this mess.

Edna: Why Margie, if I didn't know better I'd say that was a compliment! Although, typical of you it was wrapped in an insult. My solution would be to go back in time and never allow oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico by BP or anyone. But since we can't do that, I guess all we can do right now is pitch in to try and help the wildlife. There are a lot of places people can volunteer time and money, but they'll have to check local agencies before just showing up at the beach with rubber gloves and a scrub brush.

Margie: See? I knew you'd have the solution. Let me call while you pack and I'll tell them you can volunteer as much time as they need.

Bye, sister.

+++++++++++++++++++

If you're in the Gulf region and you're looking for some ways to help with the cleanup and animal rescue, check out the list of organizations at the following links:

Deepwater Horizon Response
Greenpeace blog
Volunteer Latin America

In which Margie mistakenly thinks she is Blanche

Margie: Edna, I've been watching the Golden Girls all day on my TV. That Blanche is so much like me. We're both true Southern Belles and we both have to knock the men off us. Men are just attracted to sweet things like us but you couldn't possibly understand that.

Edna: You know, it's true that you and Blanche were both hussies, but I think she was a lot nicer than you are. You just go back to watching the Golden Girls and leave me alone, you bully.

Margie: Edna, Mama always said jealousy is very unbecoming and she was right. Those other girls were always jealous of Blanche just like you are of me. It's not my fault that you didn't get a pretty face and trim figure.

Edna: You know what else Mama was right about? The fact that you do not have a kind bone in your entire body. Blanche may have had a sharp tongue, but at least you knew she cared about people. The only thing you care about is your special tea and your stupid Margiedales.

And this isn't jealousy talking, this is a lifetime of experience being your much younger sister. You know how Blanche found herself some new roommates? She put up an ad at the supermarket. Maybe you ought to try that, sister.

Margie: Edna, you'll pay for mistreating your sick sister. I may need to call my male nurse to come listen to my heart.

You go on to the supermarket and answer one of those ads. Pack up your things and move as soon as possible.

Edna: Pfft, no one's mistreating you, you big baby. You're the one who came out swinging with your insults, I'm just pointing out facts. You'd best watch your step; being a bully isn't very heart healthy.

Friday with Rue

Margie: I am very sad today because Rue McClanahan has passed away. I loved her as Blanche on "Golden Girls."

Here's a small tribute:

Margie's home

Edna: Margie, ever since you got home from that spa you've been more demanding than usual. I swan, if I hear you complain about your fancy-schmancy new diet one more time, I'm going to stick my head in the oven.

Margie: Edna, you know your poor sister was in the hospital. You can't stand it when I get a little attention.

Glory be! Turn on the oven and let it preheat while I tell you about my new diet.

Edna: The hospital! You lying liar, that's not what you told me when you left last Monday. You said that you were going to a nice spa and I should eat my heart out. That's just like you, spinning a tale on me. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Maybe our readers want to hear about your diet but I've heard enough in the last few days to write my own cookbook. But go ahead and squawk about it if you feel the need.

Margie: I didn't want you to come visit me so I said I was at a spa. I'll talk about my diet later but I'm telling you, Edna, hospitals have changed. I thought I was at death's door until they started sending me those male nurses. There were no male nurses back in the day.

There is nothing like a man in white who leans over me to give me a pill. Edna, I think you should call the Dr. I feel like I need a few more days in the hospital.

Not Margie's nurse.

Edna: Well, trust you to floozy up something so serious as a hospital stay! You know, though, it occurs to me that it might be a good idea to send the Margiedales to nursing school. It could be handy to have some health care professionals around here.

Why wouldn't you want me to come visit you? I could have brought you magazines and kept you company. I bet you just wanted to keep those male nurses all to yourself, you hussy.

Margie: You know me too well, sister.

Meals on Wheels

Margie: Edna, Mrs. Pastor brought me this pamphlet yesterday and thinks you and I might qualify for Meals On Wheels. I like what it says about ending senior hunger because not everyone is fortunate to have food.

What do you think about it, sister?

Edna: I think it's a good idea. Especially since you set the kitchen on fire twice last week trying to cook us a hamburger patty. You're no spring chicken any more, and I'm not ashamed to say that we might need a little help.

Margie: I see now why an old friend of yours told me you used to be Hades On Wheels. That's why you're a moron now. I may not be a spring chicken but I'm not a numbskull like you.

Edna: Margie, it is the small mind that resorts to name-calling. You harpy.

Margie: Pot and kettle, sister. I'll give them a call tomorrow. Lord knows we'll starve if left to eat what you call food.

Edna: Fine, then you can complain to them about their cooking for a while. Goodness knows my ears need the rest.