Monday, December 14, 2009
Edna: Margie, our good friend Carmen at Carmen's Chronicles suggested an unusual blog topic for today's post. I do think we're going to have to tread lightly, it's a bit of a delicate subject. In fact, it's really not a topic for mixed company, I'm not sure what that young lady was thinking.
Margie: Lord a mercy, Edna, what's the world coming to these days? What is so delicate about sex and senior citizens? They just can't do all those contortions like they did when they were young. I'd like to see you try to climb up in that barn loft today.
Edna: I should have known you'd like this topic, what with all the smut and whatnot you parade around our blog. You know good and well that Mama raised us to keep bedroom business in the bedroom. But if you and Carmen insist we talk about this, I suppose we can come up with a few tips for the elderly who, er, want to get down to business.
1. Make sure that if you attempt anything where flexibility is needed, one or both of your hips have already been replaced. If you try some of those maneuvers listed in books with your original hips, you could end up having to tell a very embarrassing story to the EMTs.
2. Educate yourself about diseases and protection, the world is a much dirtier place than when we were young. Don't be like these old fools down in Florida, who didn't have the good sense to know how to avoid catching one of them ess-tee-dees. Folks, just remember that a retirement community is not a euphemism for "swinger's club."
3. If you're going to do the horizontal mambo with another senior citizen, make sure you both keep your hearing aids turned on. No need to wake the neighbors with your high-volume pillow talk. Getting a knock on the door from the police because someone's reported you for disturbing the peace can ruin the mood right quick.
4. Carmen, it's not nice to tell a gentleman to take 2 Viagra at once because it could make his heart give out. You wouldn't want to explain that scenario to anybody would you?
5. Edna says to keep your bedroom business in the bedroom. Margie says to try many other places besides the bedroom. Just watch for carpet burns. That hurts.