O Kind and Gentle Margie

Margie: Edna, I am so tired of bad news. People being shot or stabbed, teachers abusing students, wars, oil spills. I though times would get better but seems like people are getting meaner instead.

So, Edna, I have decided to be a kinder, gentler Margie. I'm going to show people how much better it is to be kind and gentle instead of mean and violent. What do you think?

Edna: You'll pardon me if I take a moment to ponder the ramifications of this life-changing decision.

Just how exactly are you going to show people how to be kind and gentle? What's your plan of action, O Kind and Gentle Margie?

Margie: Well, I'm going to be kind and gentle at home first then at church. You know the neighbors and relatives I never could stand? I'm going to do good deeds for them and I'm not even going to yell at you.

Peace and love to you, sister.

Edna: Why don't you tell me exactly what else you're going to do at home besides not yell at me? I think you should try your hardest to set a good example for me, so I can be as kind and gentle as you are.

Margie: You are so right, Edna. I'm going to show you how to wash dishes and do laundry and clean your room. I'm going to show you lots of smiles instead of frowns and I'm going to sing even if I feel like crying. Best of all, I'm going to show you how to catch a man.

Edna: You know what I think would work best? Showing by example. So you go ahead and show me how to do all those things, I'll sit right here with my iced tea and take notes. You can start with the breakfast dishes.

Margie: Edna, I'm going to be kind and not call you a moron then I'm going to be gentle by smacking you on the head with this fly swatter.

There's a time and place for kind and gentle but it's not now in this house. Run for your life!

Edna: Hmph. I knew that was too good to be true.

The fake birthday

Edna: Margie, come in here for a moment, I think you have some explaining to do.

Margie: What do you want? I'm resting. My tummy hurts.

Edna: I just bet it does, I saw the huge slice you took out of that chocolate cake I baked for the Ladies Auxiliary meeting tonight! But that's not what I want to ask you about. I want you to explain this big pile of presents on the front porch, all with your name on them. What kind of nonsense have you been up to now?

Margie: I didn't touch your cake. Presents? On the porch? Maybe Santa's memory is going and he brought my presents early. Let me open them and I'll figure it out.

Edna: You stop right there, I'm not done with you yet. First of all, you've got frosting on your face so I know you're lying about the cake. Second of all, are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me about how these presents got here?

Margie: I didn't lie, I didn't touch it. Not with my hands anyway.

Well, I did hear a rumor that one of the ladies insisted my birthday is tomorrow so they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them it's not.

Edna: Oh please. If you think I believe that you told them not to give you presents, then you need your head examined. You bamboozled those poor folks and let them think your birthday is tomorrow when you know darn well that's a lie. And I know for a fact that you handed out an itemized gift list to all the ladies in town. Mrs. Pastor showed me her copy when she came over earlier to drop off her present; you even signed it, you idiot!

Unless you want me to call Deputy Jimmy and have you arrested for extortion, you'll get on the phone right this minute and admit to everyone what you did.

Margie: I'll do no such thing. Unlike you, I'm not going to hurt their feelings. They wanted to give me presents so you tend to your own business.

Unless you'd like me to tell Mrs. Pastor about that night you spent in Reno.

Edna: Well, you just added slander to your list of chargeable offenses. Keep it up and they'll send you to the hoosegow for the rest of your natural-born days.

Besides, you can't prove anything about my visit to Reno, so you just mind your Ps and Qs.

Margie: Look at this smutty picture. I have copies. Presents for me or copies for the ladies????

Edna: You know as well as I do that pictures can be doctored, you lying liar! But I'm tired of arguing with you so let's make a deal: you get rid of those pictures and I'll let you keep one or two of those presents. Deal?

Margie: The deal is you give me that cake, I open all my presents, and you can have this picture. I'm off to get more cake. Toodles.


Clip art courtesy of DailyClipArt.net

Margie's Swimming Pool

Margie: Edna, I'm all set for summer. Look at the swimming pool Cousin T & his boss made for me. The Margiedales are out of nursing school for the summer so we'll be hanging in the pool.

I asked Meals On Wheels to deliver my food to the pool every day too. Guess what, Edna? I can even stay in the pool while one of the boys drives us to Grace's Market to buy Pepsi.

Edna: Lord in heaven, Margie! Just when I think you can't embarrass me more, you sink to new lows.

You mark my words right here and now: if you go driving down the street in that thing, I'm going to call Deputy Jimmy and report a moving violation. You and the Margiedales are in for a heap of trouble, sister.

Margie: Sister, the only moving violation in this town is your mouth!

Edna: Just don't you forget that we have decency laws around here, too. I'm not coming to bail you out of jail because you've been riding around town topless, you floozy.

Fun Friday: watermelon

Edna: I love this time of year, when the summer fruits are getting ripe and sweet and it's easy to find wonderful produce everywhere you look. You know, I've got watermelon on my mind this week.

Edna: If you find yourself a high-quality melon, you don't have to gussy it up to enjoy it in all of its glory. My favorite method is to simply cut it up in slices and dig your face right in (seed-spitting is optional). But if you're dead-set on making something fancy, or you've got company over, then you might want to give these recipes a try.

Chilled Watermelon Soup Sounds yummy! But made with wine, so probably not a good choice for the kiddies.

Watermelon Granita Cool, and refreshing for all ages!

Watermelon, Feta, and Red Onion salad For you adventurous types.

Folks, what's your favorite way to eat watermelon?

The Lemon Gooey Butter Cake Debacle

Margie: Edna, Mrs. Pastor called this morning and asked how I'm doing. She's so sweet. I told her I'm a little weak because you wouldn't fix my breakfast.

Look what she brought me while you got your bath.

Edna: Margie, I never thought I'd see the day where you'd lie to the wife of a man of God! I did so fix you breakfast, you just refused to eat it. It's not my fault that the doctor won't let you have brown sugar on your oatmeal any more.

That was nice of her to bring you a cake but I consider that ill-gotten goods. You call her right now and tell her to come get it and take it back home with her. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Margie: Edna, it's all gone. So is the milk. Could you go to the store, sister?

Edna: After you slandered me to Mrs. Pastor? Not on your life.

Oh, and I'm calling the doctor right now and telling him all about that cake you just ate, so I hope it was worth it.

Margie: Edna, have you forgotten how Daddy said nothing is worse than a tattle tale? You have no respect.

Edna: That's okay, the doctor will be able to tell you haven't been minding him the next time he checks your cholesterol. Then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Margie: Kiss my... grits, hussy.

On this day in history....

June 22, 1939: The Future Queen of England, Elizabeth, meets her future husband, Phillip.

More Notable Events on June 22:

• 1991: Underwater volcano, Mount Didicas, erupts in Philippines
• 1983: First time a satellite is retrieved from orbit, by Space Shuttle Challenger
• 1911: King George V of England crowned
• 1910: First zeppelin with passengers sets afloat
• 1870: Congress creates Department of Justice

*Information courtesy of Brainy History

Words to live by

"Maxine" is the property of Hallmark