Plant a Flower Day

 

Margie: Today is Plant A Flower Day. Edna, we'd best get outside and do some planting because you know what Mama always said. Mama said a house is nekkid without flowers. I think I'll plant some pretty roses. What about you, sister? More stinkweed this year?

Edna:  Perhaps some hemlock, sister dear.

Margie: Poor Mama would be so ashamed of you, God rest her Soul.

Edna:  At least I'm not a hypocrite like some sisters I could name.  You are anything but a pretty rose, Margie.  More like a dandelion, popping up where they're not wanted.

Margie: Right back at you, idjit!

Arachnophobia!

The dogs in Australia are VERY brave.

Edna:  Dearest readers, I'm sure you all know by now that I am a genteel woman and not prone to vindictiveness.  But that sister of mine could drive a saint to sinning!  I tell you what, that woman has no respect for personal boundaries.  Last week she snuck my brand-new purple satin pumps out of my closet and jammed her gargantuan feet into them for her weekly visit to the boys at the VFW.  Then she put them back in my closet and didn't say a word about it!  Like I wouldn't notice how they're all stretched out from her bunions.  She snagged the satin and scuffed up the bottoms, too.  She even had the gall to lie when I asked her about it.  I am generous, dear readers, but even I have my limits.

Well.  Maybe she'll learn her lesson once she takes a gander at these pictures from a news story I saw the other day about Australian spiders. 

Spiders!  SPIDERS!!!!

Edna:  That woman is deathly afraid of spiders, and she'll yell down the house if she spies even the tiniest of spiders inside.  I'm planning on blowing these pictures up and setting them on her nightstand so they'll be the first thing she sees in the morning.  Maybe I'll get some of that fake Halloween spiderweb stuff and put it all over her bed and nightstand.  Put a plastic spider right on the tip of her nose while she's sleeping.  THEN we'll see who stays out of whose closet!


Many thanks to Meg Wood for posting this news story on Facebook the other day.  And for contributing to the nightmares of all the arachnophobes on her friends list.

Windy Wednesdays!

 

Blow, Wild March Wind 

by William Wilsey Martin

Blow, wild March wind! In hollows of the lea,

In copses low, thy bride awaiteth thee—

The timid, saint-like, white anemone.

She will not show her face, though woo'd by kings,

Till o'er her beat the pulsings of thy wings.

Blow, wild March wind! that we her face may see,

Through pine-clad gorges by our northward sea,

Through English woodlands where the blackcap sings.

Blow, wild March wind!

She lifts her face. The answering passion stings

Her veined leaves, at the rough kiss he brings.

Sing round her bridal couch thy melody,

Thy breath is life to her. Apart from thee

She droops and dies, the frailest of frail things—             Then blow, March wind!

National Nutrition Month

 

Margie: I see where March is National Nutrition Month. I'd like to know why, sister, nutrition is connected to eating right when we know how to eat right and that doesn't mean lettuce, yogurt, coo-coos, or humm-whos. I eat like mama taught us and that's why I'm still alive and kicking. Most food is nasty these days. Give me back my trans fat! Fry my taters in lard! Make my tea with a lot of sugar! Edna, I've made myself hungry and thirsty. Let's go to Aldi's and save some money!

Edna:  Good God a-mighty, woman!  You know as well as I do that if you eat like that and you're still healthy, it's only because you have good genes.  Most people need to be really careful about their food choices. What about Great-Uncle Walter who ate pig's feet for every meal and was dead of a heart attack at 39?  Sometimes I think people go overboard with what's good nutrition and what's not, but that doesn't mean you should just give up.

You go make that shopping list for Aldi.  You may not want any lettuce but I do, so be sure that we get some of that tasty artisan lettuce they have.  I never in my life thought I'd be eating purple lettuce, but it sure is tasty!  Especially with a little bleu cheese dressing.

Margie: Poor Uncle Walter. Remember how he loved those pickled eggs?

I do love that lettuce and they have strawberries on sale too. We could make a Strawberry Shortcake. You could make us some chili too but leave the beans out if you're planning to watch that movie with me tonight!

I'm sure glad Aldi lets us afford good food.

Edna:  If I'm making the chili then it's going to have lots of beans in it.  The doctor said you need to increase your fiber intake, you know.

I love that Aldi store, I'm so glad Mrs. Pastor told Cousin T about it.  There is no shame in being frugal, sister; you'd do well to apply that concept to the rest of your life.  I'm not paying for those new shoes you bought online last week, you know.

Margie: Fine, sister, then I'll provide the music for the movie.

People don't know how Aldi can save them money. Their store brand is better than some name brands and I'm sick of corporate greed.

Fine. I'll wear your shoes.

Edna:  You can wear my shoes if you do all the shopping for our healthy food for all of National Nutrition month.  Deal?

Margie: I don't know, sister. Do I have to pay for the food?

Edna:  Of course, idjit.

Blue in the face

Edna:  My word, Margie, come over here and take a look at this. 

Fugates of Kentucky, "Skin Bluer Than Lake Louise"; courtesy ABC News

Edna:  Have you ever seen such a thing in all your born days?  I swan, if it wasn't being reported by ABC News then I'd think someone was making it all up.  Those poor, blue people.

Margie: I swan, sister, do you believe everything you read? Cousin T turns blue when he gets mad and holds his breath. He even painted himself blue once after he saw a picture of "Blue Boy" is some book.

Edna:  Did you even read that article?  It says it's a real medical condition and that there are still people who suffer from it today, although it's very rare.  Cousin T turning blue is not at all what I'm talking about, idjit.  You're just being contrary because I'm the one who told you about it.  My lands, I bet if Mr. Jensen Ackles started talking about this you'd believe it.

Margie: Oh honey, Jensen Ackles could tell me MY face was blue and I'd believe it!

I suppose I should just be happy that I don't have that condition. Edna, what if those people are blue because aliens abducted them in the past?

Edna:  Good God, woman!  It is nearly impossible to have a serious conversation with you.  I'm going next door to see if the neighbors want to have an intelligent discussion, and if I see any aliens I'll send them your way.

Margie: No wonder she can't get along with folks.

...and all the men said "No!"

Margie: Yoohoo! Sister, I made your favorite brownies. You can have the pan by yourself. I'm in such a good mood today! I'd be in a better mood if I could borrow your pearl earbobs with the matching necklace. How about that red dress too? Oh, I probably need to borrow $100 to go buy those sparkly heels I saw at the shoe store in town. I poured you a glass of milk to go with your brownies too.  I'll wash the dishes later.

Edna:   Margie, if you need to borrow $100 then go ask Cousin T for it, because you are surely not getting it from me.

What are you up to? You're acting a bit more like a hussy than usual, and that makes me extremely nervous. 

Margie: I was planning to propose to a nice gentleman at Bailey's but I see you want me to stay here with you. I guess my leaving isn't worth $100 to you so don't complain about me ever again. You had your chance.

Edna:  Don't try that manipulative routine on me, I'm not one of your sad-sack patsies down at Bailey's.  I know all your tricks, sister, just like I know that you can propose all you want but none of the nice gentlemen in town will have you.  I'll be keeping my $100, thank you, no sense throwing good money after bad.

Margie: Demon!

International Polar Bear Day

 

Margie: Today is International Polar Bear Day. I know they love to be cold so maybe somebody will send one to live with Edna and me. Edna is so stingy with the heat that I feel like I may be a polar bear myself.

Edna, do those polar bears drink anything but Coca-Cola? I bet they'd love some hot cider.

Edna:  Go ahead and get close enough to one to offer it some cider, see what happens.  I like polar bears, did you know that their hair looks white because the hair shaft is hollow?  That's why sometimes you see green polar bears, because algea is growing in the hair shaft.  My lands, but isn't nature interesting!

Margie: Sister, I'm less worried about being close to one and more worried about how daft you are. I think you have more than a hair shaft that's hollow.

Edna:  You know, for an ex-librarian you're surprisingly hostile about learning new facts.  I don't know why I even bother.