The Love Letters

Margie: Sister, have you read this article about the lost love letters? It made me a bit weepy. I do love a sweet story about love that can last a lifetime. Do we know what's in our attic? What if somebody left love letters up there from years ago? Maybe Grandma left some.

Edna: Sister, who knew there was such a romantic heart beating under your old, cynical, desiccated exterior?

I did read that story, and I loved it to pieces. I'm a big fan of stories with happy endings. You're welcome to go poke around up in the attic if you'd like. I'll stay right here with my cordial, but you be sure and tell me what you find.

Margie: There's one thing for sure, sister, and that's the fact that I sure won't find any love letters addressed to you because you never got any.

Edna: Oh honey, you think you know everything about me? What you know would fill a thimble. The reason you won't find any of my love letters in the attic is that I am not idiot enough to leave my private things where you can snoop. You, on the other hand, parade your business in front of everyone. It's a good thing we don't live in New York City, you'd be renting out the Jumbo-Tron in Times Square to make an announcement every time someone complimented you on your new hat.

Margie: Edna, how much does it cost to rent that Jumbo-Tron?

Factual Friday: Margie hearts Kurt Sutter

Margie: I have a fact for you, sister. Mr. Kurt Sutter, my hero, has created a new series for the Discovery Channel. It's called "Outlaw Empires." It starts May 14th so you can watch your own TV that night. I will fight you to the death over Sons of Anarchy or this new show.

Guess what, Edna? Mr. Sutter says this new show will make Sons of Anarchy look like Sesame Street. Maybe that means somebody will get nekkid. I do love a handsome bad boy.

Mr. Kurt Sutter (or, as Margie prefers, Mr. Margie Callahan).

Edna: Good Lord. Margie, you can have the television all to yourself that night. I'm certainly not going to sit and watch anything smutty or violent with you. It just encourages you, and you're smutty and violent enough already. Maybe I'll spend the evening at Cousin T's, he's much less excitable than you are.

Margie: Lord a mercy! Let me see if I can find some more smutty or violent shows then maybe you'll just move to Cousin T's. Yee haw!!

The Wednesday Slump

Mama said there'd be days like this, she just didn't say there would be this many....

Jelly Bean Day

Margie: Edna, did you forget that yesterday was National Jelly Bean Day? You must have because I didn't see you cramming your mouth full of jelly beans. Wait, maybe your old teeth can't handle them anymore.

Anyway, did you know that the jelly bean dates back to at least the 1860's? Wasn't that about when you were born? They were promoted as morale boosters for army troops fighting in the Civil War. I remember when Daddy would bring some home when I'd been good all week.

Edna: I forget nothing, Margie. I didn't make a big deal about it because you always steal my jelly beans and I just do not have the patience for your shenanigans any more. I'll celebrate in private, thank you very much.

Margie: This is better than winning the lottery, sister. Please tell me you plan to celebrate every holiday in private from now on!

Farewell, Mr. Clark

Margie: Sister, I sure was sorry to hear about Mr. Dick Clark passing away.That man sure knew all about music and young people. Remember when we used to watch American Bandstand? There were no videos or such in our day. We'd wait for Saturday to roll around all week.

Oh, remember that day when Chubby Checker was on and Mama got up because she wanted to Twist? Whoo doggies, what a sight that was! Well, Mama did a good job but you looked like a tornado just bumping all around the room.

Edna: Too bad you didn't inherit Mama's grace either. And shame on you, spouting insults when we're supposed to be honoring the poor man! You know, I just loved watching him in Times Square on New Year's Eve. That Ryan Seacrest is a poor substitute for Dick Clark and that's the God's honest truth.

Margie: Who's spouting insults? I never missed him in Times Square either. That Seacrest boy should find him another job but I bet he'll be taking over for New Year's Eve. I'm not sure I'll watch 2013 come in.

Edna: As much as I'm not a fan of young Mr. Seacrest, maybe it's more important that Dick Clark's legacy live on. And if you don't like it you can always find something else to do on New Year's eve, sister. Something far, far away from me.

Margie: Don't worry, sister, I'll be at the VFW entertaining the old troops. We'll be twisting.

We'd vote for 'em!

Edna: Margie, our country is in such bad financial shape. It doesn't seem to me like these politicians are going to fix what's wrong, and things just keep getting worse.

Margie: You told the truth, sister. Politicians lie and try to fool people but we're too old to be fooled. The federal deficit keeps growing along with people's waistlines. The way grocery prices keep going up we may all turn into bones.

Edna: Maybe the solution is to get some non-politicians to turn this country around. You elect someone from the private sector who knows how to get things done, and then just wait and see how fast things get fixed.

Margie: Sister, you hit the nail on the head and I know where to start. Let's call Jillian Michaels. Not only will she solve the obesity problem but people will be riding bikes to work and school which will save on gas. Those politicians can kiss their cars and drivers goodbye!

Edna: And she's kind of scary, I think people would be afraid to disobey her. I bet she'd be able to get food prices to go down, because she'd want everyone to eat healthy and people just can't do that when junk food is cheaper than real food. We should write her in for president during the election this fall, what do you think?

Margie: Jillian scares me more than seeing your face first thing in the morning and that's scary! I fear she'd put a stop to junk food. All the fast food places would serve only turkey burgers and salads. I'm all in favor of writing her name in this Fall.

Sister, we should write Jillian and tell her that Suze Orman should be her VP. Can't you see Congress trying to pass a spending bill and Suze saying, "Can you afford it? Show me the money."

Edna: Suze would be perfect! With those two in office, they'd surely steer this ship back on course. But now I'm thinking Suze should be president and Jillian should be vice president. Jillian doesn't seem like she has the diplomacy to be president. I've seen the Biggest Loser, she'd be forever yelling at world leaders to get things done and I don't think the UN would go for that.

Margie: I agree with that. Suze is much calmer and she could handle Jillian because Suze would be signing her paychecks.

Edna, help me polish my resume. Suze is going to be looking for a social secretary and who's more social than I am?

Edna: Lord help us all.

Bora Bora bound!

Margie: Edna, that Frenchman you like just got back from Bora Bora and he sure did post some pretty pictures. I'd like to go sit in the sun there for a week or two and warm my old bones. Why don't you treat us to a nice trip? I'll buy my own sunscreen.

Edna: Why don't you treat yourself and I'll pay my own way? My lands, you are always looking for an opportunity to freeload, sister.

Bora Bora does sound lovely, though. I like the idea of sitting around in the sun, sipping on cool fruity drinks. But this better not be one of those clothing-optional places, because I will be darned if I'm going to look at your what-nots for two weeks. The very idea is enough to put me off my feed.

Margie: Edna, you never want anybody to have a pleasant trip. You can go inside while I sun my what-nots. Somebody might enjoy seeing them. I know I'm going to enjoy some of those fruity drinks.

You best mind your manners too. You always belch in public and embarrass me.

Edna: You're fooling yourself, Margie. NOBODY wants to see your what-nots. You mark my words, I am not going to have your misconduct get us banned from yet another resort. Don't make me tell our readers what happened when we went to Oahu. I still can't look at a coconut without cringing.

Margie: Edna, I have stories I can tell too and you won't like them. Frankly, you've already ruined this trip for me so I'll stay home.

Speaking of coconut I'm going to get the one I bought today. Guess where I'm going to crack it?

Edna: Your hard head would be perfect.

Cold-War condos in the cornfield

Edna: Margie, you are never going to believe what's going on just down the road. Go ahead, I dare you to guess.

Margie: That handsome widower built a pool and wants me to come swim with him?

Edna: Pfft, you're such a dreamer. No, they're turning those old missile silos into luxury condominiums! Can you believe it? I've never heard of such a thing.

Margie: What's that? When did Jericho have any missiles? Luxury? Does that mean you'll be moving soon? How about tomorrow?

Edna: Sure, as soon as you scrape about $2 million together then I'm out the door!

Margie: Let me get my little black book. I have friends who will surely give you some lovely donations.

Barbershop Quartet Day

Edna:  Folks, according to my idiot sister, today is Barbershop Quartet Day.  She pitches such a fit when I ask her to tell me where she gets her information that I don't even bother any more. But in honor of the occasion, let's all enjoy a clip featuring the Buffalo Bills quartet from one of my favorite movies, The Music Man!

National Library Week

Margie: Friends, be sure to support your local library this week because it's National Library Week. You all know that I was the head librarian at the Jericho library until I retired. Some of my happiest memories are from all the hours I spent there.

I'm always invited back during Library Week but times have surely changed. I remember when the refreshments were homemade. Nowadays, they have a store bought Wal-Mart cake. Not very appetizing if you ask me. We used to have a big punchbowl filled with lime sherbert punch but not anymore. Somebody brings Faygo drinks then expects us to drink straight from the can. Nasty and lazy!

I do hope some of my favorite children drop by. They're all grown now but I still love to see them. Children appreciated the library back then but they just use those old computers these days. It's no fun if you don't have to search through books for information.

I certainly hope Edna won't show up. Lord have Mercy. She used to come in the library to read all our magazines because she was too stingy to buy them. She also read her old romance books because she knew better than to let Mama see her with them! She always left books and magazines laying everywhere because she knew I'd have to pick them up. She's a pain in my tushie.

Let's forget Edna before we ruin our day. Do drop by your library this week and thank a librarian. And, clean up your own mess!

Happy Easter!

Edna's Favorite Things, Poetry Edition

Edna: Folks, April is National Poetry Month, and in honor of the occasion I've written a few haiku poems about some of my favorite things! I hope you all enjoy them. (Except you, Margie, I already know what you're going to say so you can just zip it right now.)

Margie is Gone, by Edna (Callahan) DuBois

Margie's out tonight.
I don't know where, I don't care.
Good riddance, harpy!



Mon Cher Gilles, by Edna (Callahan) DuBois

Smooth, charming Frenchman.
I'd love private dance lessons!
Leave your wife at home.



Death by Chocolate, by Edna (Callahan) DuBois

I like my chocolate
Like I like all my young men:
Sweet, handsome, and rich.

Monday, Monday

Margie: Edna, do you ever go to Facebook on Mondays and read all the comments from working people? Monday is surely not a happy day for most people. I can understand, though, because I worked Mondays for years. I am
so happy to be retired.

I think we should probably give those folks a few tips and they might not mind Monday so much. What do you think?

Edna:  Unlike most of your ideas, I think this is a great one.  When I was working full-time, I always had a Sunday night routine.  I'd start in the afternoon and get everything ready for the next day, that way I could spend Sunday night relaxing and be all fresh and ready by the time Monday rolled around.  It sure made Monday a whole lot easier to deal with.

Margie: I know all about your dang routine. You got in everybody's way doing all your primping. Daddy always got a headache from your stinking nail polish. You relaxed on Sunday night but the rest of us were pooped. Anyway, I suggest putting a picture of a handsome man on your bathroom mirror so that's what you see when you first get up on Monday morning. That'll get the old motor going.

Edna:  Maybe it will get your motor going on a Monday morning if you're a floozy.  Oh wait, I forgot who I was talking to.

I always found Mondays easier to get through if I had something fun planned for later in the day. Maybe lunch with a friend, or an early movie after work.  It sure made the day's annoyances easier to ignore.

Margie: I don't recall you having any friends, moron. What I enjoyed was preparing my Monday dinner on Sunday so I only had to warm it up. It meant a lot to me that I could come home and not have to do chores. 

Working with the public was annoying so I always had some quiet time when I got home on Mondays. Well, if you'd have left me alone.

Edna:  Well then, sister, I'm going to make your Monday spectacular this week and spend it elsewhere.  Maybe then we'll both have a nice Monday for once!

Margie: I love Mondays! What a happy day it will be. Bless you, sister!