Tales From The Big Apple

Margie: Lookie here, sister. We just got a letter from our nephew, Jeb Stewart Biddy. We haven't heard from him in a coon's age. It does my heart good to see one of those Biddy boys trying to make something of himself. He's the only one who's never been in prison but that's probably because the Biddy bunch sent him off to be raised by his grandma. It is a bit worrisome, though, that he's up there in that wicked Big Apple.

Edna:  Well, he is my favorite out of Aunt Biddy's boys, and he's always amusing.  But sometimes I just do not understand what that boy is talking about.  Must be because he's so "creative" and such.

Margie: Edna, many folks have called me "creative" too. You just read his letter and I'll go get a quill and paper so we can write him back.

Dear Aunts Margie and Edna,

I hope my two favorite aunts aren’t missing their favorite nephew too badly. You two wouldn’t believe what all I’m seeing in New York City. Do you remember when old Ms. Daisy would strip naked when the mailman was coming down the road and dance for him (and everybody else) to see? Lord, it was a hoot. Things would be flying, and you would make me duck under the counter to shield my eyes. Well, that doesn’t hold a flame to what I’ve seen up out here. I can’t even tell you about it because—well, I’m too embarrassed.  It’s a sight to see. Haha. 

Crazy Patrick, the one that runs Mr. Towne’s worn-down store, told me that I would miss seeing the flatland and animals. I tell you what, Aunts Margie and Edna, he was wrong. I’ve seen horses leading carriages around all parts of the city. There’s a park as big as our town, and people take their animals to run around everywhere. I was eating in a restaurant and I would have sworn a couple of groundhogs ran over my feet.. The waitress told me it was baby mice, but I’ve seen baby mice and they sure weren’t looking like those creatures.

I’m going out in a few minutes, but I have got to tell you two about a man that I saw yesterday. I had just left a record store, and as I was rounding the corner, a man in a gray robe hopped out from behind a garbage can. He had the biggest, greenest eyes. They were about the oddest things I’d ever seen. It was like looking at two limes on on somebody’s face. Then, that man starting talking to me. He grabbed an empty soda bottle from the garbage. He started shaking like he was being touched by a spirit. Then, he raised that bottle up to my eyes and started doing a dance. He was hollering “Hoolaba, Hoolaba.” He kept going at least thirteen or fourteen times. I was just about ready to have a conversation with him until he started turning circles and conjuring spirits from the smelling bin. I took off running faster than I’ve ever ran my entire life.

Missing you both dearly,

Jeb

Margie: Edna, what ever happened to Ms. Daisy? She sure was a strange bird.

Edna:  Forget about Ms. Daisy being a strange bird, I think being in the big city has warped poor Jeb's sensibilities.  That last bit sounds to me like he's been into the spirits a bit too much.  You tell him to lay off the liquor, he needs his wits about him to survive up there in New York!

We want to thank our friend, Bradley, for writing the role of Jeb. He is a smart young man who will go far one day. Not sure how far but far enough. Bradley, you're welcome to play Jeb any old time you like.

Funny Friday

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Fun Friday

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

Fun Friday

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

Letter To Mama

Dear Mama,

It's me- Margie. I miss you but I know you're in Heaven looking down on me. You are my Angel. I have to ask for your help because you're the only one who has ever been able to talk sense to Edna.

Mama, Edna is mean to me. She's not doing any of the things you told her to do. She won't clean, she's lazy, she's a floozy, and she takes a vacation every year! I've tried to look after her like you wanted but she's stubborn as a mule.

Mama, Edna is stingy too. She hides food in her room and won't share with me. She also hides the remote to try to make me miss my favorite shows. She wastes money on magazines and clothes while I do without so much. She's not a nice person, Mama.

I guess you're busy doing the Lord's work so I'll stop here but, please, appear to Edna and tell her that you expect her to be nice to me. I love you, Mama.

P.S. When you appear to Edna be sure to holler because she can't hear so good. Oh, you'd better duck too in case she throws Holy water on you.

Bye Mama,
Margie

Margie Gets No Respect

Margie: I'm ashamed of you, Edna. Here we had that pleasant walk to the market and you acted almost human. That sure didn't last long. That young cashier called me "baby." That shows me that she has no respect for her elders. What has happened to young people being courteous to their elders?

Edna, you should have explained respect to the girl.


Edna: Obviously the girl needed laser surgery.  Clearly she could not tell that you haven't been anyone's baby in over 80 years.

Margie: I heat you, Edna.

Edna: Are you on fire, Margie?  You're talking like one of those idjit juggolowhatsits.  Have you been swilling Faygo again?

Margie: Edna, if I swill a Faygo then you'll know it when the empty bottle hits you upside the head!

Funny Friday

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

Funny Friday

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)

Funny Friday

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

 


    "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

Funny Friday

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs."


Margie: Sounds just like something Edna would do.

Inspiring Margie

Jane:(Margie) I must say that Beth did a beautiful job with her post about what inspired her to create the character of Edna. My character of Margie was inspired by two people;one was real and one was fictional.

First, Margie was inspired by a real Margie who was my family's neighbor when I was growing up. She was extremely nosy and never tried to hide it. For example, if we had company, she'd sit in her rocking chair which she'd pull close to the front door and sit there until they left. Later, she'd ask me who they were, where they were from, etc.

She also copied most of my parent's purchases/home renovations. I remember when my dad had once painted the house exterior. Back then, he sat the empty paint cans out next to the road for the trash truck to haul off. Less than two days later, Margie had bought the exact same paint and painted her house. This also happened with other paint jobs. She'd find out that my mom had painted her kitchen yellow so Margie would paint her kitchen yellow. My mom did not like the copying of everything she did.

There were so many episodes I could tell you but I'll use just one more. This actually happened on numerous occasions. My mom would buy something like a rug or curtains or a small kitchen appliance and the empty boxes would go out on the side of the road. Margie would go buy the exact same item because we'd see the boxes out next to the road. One day, my mom was talking to Margie about some item she had purchased many years earlier and how she wished she could remember where she bought it. Margie told her, " Oh, you bought it at Sears."

Finally, there's the inspiration of actress Rue McClanahan who was the character of Blanche Devereaux on the TV series " The Golden Girls". The character of Blanche had lost her husband, the love of her life, so she was on the prowl for the next love of her life. Margie is looking for that as well. Some of Blanche's gentlemen friends were unsavory characters which is how Edna describes many of Margie's gentlemen friends.

Margie feels like she needs to look after Edna since Margie is the oldest. They clash because Edna doesn't think she needs to be looked after. This infuriates Margie who then issues veiled threats and insults. Like many sisters, however, they do love each other and would defend each other to the end.

Margie has a good heart and means well but doesn't always know how to handle what she feels is rejection. She's afraid that Edna might move out but acts as if that's what she'd like. Margie has a good sense of humor as does Edna so they do have some fun moments. I would certainly be remiss if I didn't mention that Beth also inspires me every day. Margie would be nothing without Edna.

We hope you enjoy Margie and Edna as much as we enjoy writing what they tell us to write.

Why?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

April Fools

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

Monday Monday

Margie: Here's a story about Edna and two of her friends.

 Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, That must be the door, I'll get it!

Sassy Miss Betty

Edna: So Margie, what did you think of Betty White on SNL? You were kind of hard to read during the show, I couldn't tell what you were thinking. Which is a change from the rest of the time, when the cut-off switch between your brain and mouth is permanently in the "on" position.

Margie: I shouldn't even answer that question, nitwit. I love Betty White but she has caused me to hurt myself. Yes, folks, Betty made me fall off the couch with her "Wizard of A--" routine.

I bet the ratings were out the roof on that episode. I wonder if Betty would like to blog with me. She's sure funnier than you, sister.

Edna: And here I thought you fell off the couch because of your inner ear problem. You know, it figures that you enjoyed her potty mouth. I swan, she said things I never thought I'd hear a woman our age utter. And on live television, too! I thought she was more refined than that, but clearly you and she are two peas in a pod.

Miss Betty, I love you, but please remember: you don't have to be off-color to be funny. Case in point was the CSI: Sarasota sketch, which was a hoot, and no foul language anywhere! Using profanity as humor is just lazy writing, in my humble opinion.

Still, she did a good job with what she was given, and she's a wonderful sport for hosting when the fans wanted her to. She said at the end of the show that she was a "scared host," so I give her much credit for facing her fears. And it seemed to me like the audience and the cast were just tickled pink to have her there, which I thought was very touching.

Here folks, take a look at what my loopy sister thought was so funny....

Blog Appreciation Week: Humor

Edna: Folks, anyone who's met me will tell you how much I love to laugh. And Lord knows it has taken a good sense of humor to live with Margie all these years. I do have a handful of humorous blogs that I like to visit every day, and I definitely have some favorites.

Miss Kath over at Blurb from the Burbs never fails to make me smile. I love reading about her life and her take on everyday occurrences. And who wouldn’t love someone whose pet name for their husband is “Love Chunks”?

Margie, what about you? Even as sour as you are, I hear you laughing in front of the computer from time to time.

Margie: Lord a mercy, if you love to laugh then I'm a monkey. You're sour as a lemon. Maybe worse.

I laugh at Daisy the Curly Cat. I love the fashion shows Daisy puts on and she always has a riddle or joke. It will start your day off right.

Edna: Kiss my grits, you harpy. At least you’re right about Daisy. I swan, I think that cat has a fancier wardrobe than the two of us combined! And I just love Harley, too. The two of them together are mighty entertaining.

There are so many witty and talented bloggers on the interwebs, it never ceases to amaze me.

Margie: It never ceases to amaze me that you have no wit. You should check Canucklehead's blog. That's always good for a laugh. I think I'll go there now since you're a drag.

Edna: Fine by me, sourpuss. I’ll just head over to my favorite LOST blog, Dispatches from the Island. Our readers may have noticed it over there to the right in our blogroll, it’s written by Jorge Garcia who plays one of my favorite LOST characters, Hurley. Mr. Garcia not only shares behind-the-scenes tidbits, he often does so with a great deal of wit.

Margie, maybe you should go to that LOST island. No one can find you once you’re there, and I for one would not be sad about that.

Sunday Funnies

Fun Friday

Margie: So this is Fun Friday? Well, I didn't have much fun today. Would you like to know why? Yes, it's partly because Edna is back. No day is fun with her always in a bad mood.

First, Mrs. Pastor took me to get my hair done. That part was fun. I then asked her if she'd mind taking me by the grocery store. She's a sweet lady so she didn't mind at all.

I had almost finished shopping when I remembered I needed some prune juice. As I was about to grab a bottle, who walked by but the most handsome young man you ever saw? I happened to get behind him and we both ended up in the produce section. He appeared to be looking at me so I winked at him. He started to stare so I winked more. I figured the beauty shop must have really done a good job on my hair!

Suddenly, he approached me. Oh, I smiled my best smile and batted my lashes. Would you believe he said, "Excuse me, but do you know you seem to have something wrong with your eye?" How is that for stupid? He must have lived a sheltered life.

Opposite Day

This could be a fun day or people could just think you're bonkers. Try it and see what happens. Edna does this all the time. She always says the opposite of what I say. Poor nitwit can't help it because she was born a fruitcake.

Enjoy your day!

Sunday Funnies