Monday Monday

Margie: Here's a story about Edna and two of her friends.

 Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, That must be the door, I'll get it!

Old Ladies In Church

Pistol Patent Day

Margie: Edna, you best move along because I'll be cleaning my pistol today. Would you like to know why?

Edna: Oh Lord. Which of our neighbors have annoyed you now?

Margie: Never you mind but I'll handle it. I had some ideas about a gun for old ladies so I'm going to patent it. Nobody will ever mistreat us old ladies ever again.

Oh, I'll be rich too.

Edna: And I suppose you've got funds set aside to pay the patent fees? I only ask because I've canceled my credit card and the bank knows not to let you anywhere near my account.

Margie: Lying liar. Let's go to Bailey's and see if you can beat some old fools in pool then YOU can pay the fees.

Edna: Only if you leave that pistol at home, sister.

Margie and Edna: How To Stay Safe

Never give out information over the phone indicating you are alone or that you won't be home at a certain time.

Margie: Edna, this is just stupid! If I didn't give out this information over the phone then how would all my gentlemen know when I'm home alone?

Edna: Margie, they’re just saying that they don’t want you to tell that to people you don’t know. And I’ve heard you do that, you hussy! You give that information out to any male over the age of 18 that calls here, whether you know them or not.


Keep your home well lit at night, inside and out; keep curtains closed.

Margie: I always keep my curtains closed, Edna. There might be somebody's wife out in our well-lit yard trying to peep inside.

Edna: Margie, you know good and well that the reason you keep your curtains closed is because of complaints from the neighbors about your exhibitionist tendencies. Don’t try and deceive our readers.


If you arrive at home and suspect a stranger may be inside, DON'T GO IN. Leave quietly and call 911 to report the crime.

Edna: My lands, I would never go in the house if there was a stranger in there! I’d call Deputy Jimmy right away from our portable cellular telephone; he always answers my distress calls lickety-split.

Margie: Edna, you use any excuse to call Deputy Jimmy and you know he is not interested in an old windbag like you.


Use "Neighbor Watch" to keep an eye on your neighborhood.

Edna: Well, my sister and I are a two-woman “Neighbor Watch” team. Some days, watching our neighbors is more fun than watching the television. We just pop us up a bowl of Jiffy-pop, pour us some special tea, and go out on the porch to watch the show.

Margie: That reminds me, Edna, the neighbors are having a cocktail party in a few minutes. You grab the popcorn while I get the special tea and our binoculars.

Etiquette

Edna: Margie, I was up in the attic and I found this old etiquette book of Mama's. I think there are some passages in here that our readers might find useful. Let me blow the dust off and give it a look-see.

Here's one for you, Margie! "Flirtation: The coquette should remember that, with every successive flirtation, one charm after another disappears, like the petals from a fading rose, until all the deliciousness of a fresh and pure character is lost." You'd better pay attention, you old hussy.

Margie: Edna, you lie. Not only have you never understood the art of flirting, but your character was lost when you turned 16.

Edna: We’re not going to get into a contest of who has the better character, because you know I’d win, you reprobate. Listen to this one: "Etiquette of the Street: A gentleman should always offer his arm to a lady in the evening. In the day this is only in order in case of the pavement being slippery, there being a crowd, or the lady being old or needing support. If there are two ladies, he should offer his arm to one, and let the other walk beside her."

Margie: So that's why all the gentlemen offer me their arm and you walk beside us. Interesting.

Edna: Margie, I only walk beside you because I don’t want to even touch the man that would offer you his arm. They usually have hygiene issues.

Oh, this one is my favorite: "How to Grow Old Gracefully: A charming old lady revealed the secret of her fair and rosy complexion to a group of young women as follows: “Late hours,” said she, “and oversleeping ruin the complexion. Go to bed early, arise early, and you will grow old slowly, and retain your good looks to an advanced age. If, however, your position forces you into society and you are obliged to be up late at night, sleep an hour every afternoon. Before going to bed take a hot bath and remain in the water only a few moments. Then drink a cup of bouillon, and a small glass of Malaga wine. Sleep will soon follow, and last until the natural time of awakening, which is about ten o’clock in the morning under these circumstances. Take a cold plunge or sponge bath, a light breakfast of café au lait, and bread without any butter.” She continued: “Out-of-door exercise is an absolute necessity, but must not be carried to excess. A daily walk is excellent and it is scarcely necessary to say that whole days of lawn tennis, croquet, etc., are not favorable to the complexion.”

Margie: Edna, I told you to stay out of my diary, you old fool.

Edna: Margie, the day anyone describes YOU as having grown old gracefully is the day I eat my hat.


Excerpts from: The Home Library of Entertainment, Instruction, and Amusement, by Thomas Sheppard Meek. Published 1902.

Such Devoted Sisters

Edna: Margie, my goodness but you look stunning today!

Margie: Edna, you’re a beautiful lady.

Edna: Margie, please give me some of your words of wisdom, I'm in need of the expert guidance that only you can provide.

Margie: My goodness, Edna, you flatter me. I think you're far wiser than I am. You're brilliant!

Edna: Margie, I think you exaggerate, you're clearly wiser than I am. And may I say, you certainly don't look like the older sister.

Margie: Edna, you are the best sister a person could have. Do you know I couldn't live without you?

Edna: Margie, you know I feel the same—oh, I can’t go on with this blather any longer! Can we please just yell “April Fools!” and have done with it?

Margie: I lie like a dog, Edna.

Edna: Nice to hear you finally admit it, you old bat.