Letter To Mama

Dear Mama,

It's me- Margie. I miss you but I know you're in Heaven looking down on me. You are my Angel. I have to ask for your help because you're the only one who has ever been able to talk sense to Edna.

Mama, Edna is mean to me. She's not doing any of the things you told her to do. She won't clean, she's lazy, she's a floozy, and she takes a vacation every year! I've tried to look after her like you wanted but she's stubborn as a mule.

Mama, Edna is stingy too. She hides food in her room and won't share with me. She also hides the remote to try to make me miss my favorite shows. She wastes money on magazines and clothes while I do without so much. She's not a nice person, Mama.

I guess you're busy doing the Lord's work so I'll stop here but, please, appear to Edna and tell her that you expect her to be nice to me. I love you, Mama.

P.S. When you appear to Edna be sure to holler because she can't hear so good. Oh, you'd better duck too in case she throws Holy water on you.

Bye Mama,
Margie

Edna writes Santa

Dear Santa,

Well, it's that time of year again. I know it's been 70-odd years since you got a letter from me, but I had to write after I read the letter my sister sent you this year. I will not have her lording it over me when you bring her what she wants while she gives me the fake Christmas stocking she made full of sticks and coal, pretending it's from you. (By the way, she did that to me when we were young back in 1932; trust me, she's no angel.)

I'm not going to waste your time asking for lavish gifts; I'm an old lady and I don't need much at this stage in my life. I'll ask for the usual meaningful things, like peace, health and happiness for my friends and family. (Yes, even for my crabby old sister). I do have a few frivolous requests, though, so please bear with me.

Santa dear, I would truly love it if you would give me a fifth and sixth season of Supernatural. Yes, I know that the Nielsen ratings are beyond even your reach, but if you could put in a good word with the CW, I'd really appreciate it.

I find that my circulation isn't what it used to be, so I'd appreciate it if you brought me a new blanket so I can keep warm during the Kansas winters. I've done the work for you already and picked out this one.

Even though a lady doesn't talk about her physical complaints, I need to share a little secret with you Santa: I have bunions. I think it's from all those years of wearing fashionable shoes--my feet looked beautiful then, but oh am I paying for it now! I'd like a comfortable (yet stylish) pair of sneakers like these.

If I had a pair of shoes like that, I think I could walk for miles and miles without needing to rest my tootsies.

Finally Santa, you know what a trial my sister is. (And let me just say, you dodged a bullet when she turned down your marriage proposal. Take it from me, she is a royal pain to live with, and that's the God's honest truth.) It would make my life infinitely easier if you brought her a new hearing aid. The one she has doesn't work half the time, then she gets mad because she says I mumble. I'd also like some ear plugs, for those times when she just won't shut up. Since she can't hear herself, she talks pretty loudly, and she pretty much talks all the time which is driving me batty. And lastly, I would love a new laptop computer. A very nice neighbor gave us one to share last year, but my sister has had life-long difficulty with the concept of sharing, and so she hogs the laptop all the time. The only time she lets me use it is when she wants something from me (like to help her to look up nekkid men pictures, which I refuse to do). The rest of the time, I have to wait until she's asleep to use it, like now.

So please, Santa, do an old lady a favor this year and bring me what's on my list. I promise to leave out milk and cookies for you if you do. And if you don't...well, let's just say that I'll be mailing my sister to the North Pole come Dec. 26th. I don't think you want that, do you?

Yours truly, Edna

Margie: Redneck Relatives

Dear Billie Jo,

Margie here. I hope you all are fine. We have our power back now so we're doing well. Edna hogs the TV which is nothing new.

Billie Jo, I'll thank you not to speak of my sister as a pistol ball. I have a pistol and she is the sword master.

I'm sure the Wal-Mart wedding was nice. Did everyone wear clothes? I'm sure you all did just fine without my Special Tea.

Give our regards to Alma Jean. Is it true she married a much older man? Will she be moving all 12 of her children in with them?

So John Jr. has joined the Army. Isn't he about 24 now? Did he finally get tired of 3rd grade?

The food sounds lovely. We do pride ourselves on the fine chickens we raise here. Be sure to tell Cousin Hershel hello when the hooch wears off.

We would love to have you all come visit but Edna and I have been planning a trip and we leave tomorrow. We will be gone for several years. I'll write you when we return.

Love,
Cousin Margie