Edna's Valentine Request

Margie: Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I can't imagine anybody wanting to buy Edna anything but, if you do, here's a hint. The more makeup Edna can pack on her face the better she likes it. All those deep wrinkles need a lot of makeup so she can always use more.

Edna thinks she looks like a young Judy Garland but Edna doesn't look like a young anything. My word! Send makeup or send nothing.

Fun Friday

Margie: So this is Fun Friday? Well, I didn't have much fun today. Would you like to know why? Yes, it's partly because Edna is back. No day is fun with her always in a bad mood.

First, Mrs. Pastor took me to get my hair done. That part was fun. I then asked her if she'd mind taking me by the grocery store. She's a sweet lady so she didn't mind at all.

I had almost finished shopping when I remembered I needed some prune juice. As I was about to grab a bottle, who walked by but the most handsome young man you ever saw? I happened to get behind him and we both ended up in the produce section. He appeared to be looking at me so I winked at him. He started to stare so I winked more. I figured the beauty shop must have really done a good job on my hair!

Suddenly, he approached me. Oh, I smiled my best smile and batted my lashes. Would you believe he said, "Excuse me, but do you know you seem to have something wrong with your eye?" How is that for stupid? He must have lived a sheltered life.

Sunday Funnies

Fun Friday

Margie: Have you ever wondered why I think Friday is such fun? It's all thanks to my sister. You see, Edna gets up early on Friday and walks to the beauty parlor where she snoops and learns all the gossip.

Next, Edna visits the sick so she can pick up more gossip, spread a little that she knows, and offer comfort to any gentlemen who may need it.

Finally, Edna stops at Bailey's looking for someone to buy her lunch. I doubt she's ever paid for one of her meals there. Actually, she won this award a few years ago.

Gotta run. I get to watch some good movies while she's gone.

Bedtime rituals

Image courtesy the Duke University Digital Collections

Margie: I think it's time to get ready for bed, Edna. Oh, that reminds me of something we talked about at the ladies' luncheon today. We were discussing how people have their own little bedtime rituals like brushing their teeth or lotioning their body.

It struck me, Edna, that you and I have have had our same rituals for years. I hate to say this but that anti-aging cream you've been using for years isn't working.

Edna: Speak for yourself, Margie, they haven't yet invented a wrinkle cream that can tackle those crevices on your face.

You know, I'm not so sure I want to share my beauty secrets and bedtime rituals with our readers. A lady shouldn't talk about such intimate things.

Margie: Edna, you nitwit, Mama only raised one fool and you prove you're it every time you flap your gums.

Tell me what is so intimate about the fact that you leave your dentures in a glass overnight? Or that you claim to have beauty secrets but I never see any beauty results.

Edna: Margie, it's one thing for you to see my at my worst, but I try to maintain at least a bit of decorum when it comes to letting our readers in on our private lives.

All right, fine, you want me to share something, I'll share a tried-and-true ritual that I do every night before going to bed. I slather Vaseline on my hands and then cover them with white cotton socks and sleep with the socks on my hands all night. When I wake up in the morning, my hands are smooth and hydrated. That's why people say I have the hands of a 20-year-old.

Margie: Lord have mercy! That's not what they say when you take the gloves off.

Here's my secret, Edna. I go to the beauty parlor once a week but I like for my hair to look freshly done in between hairdos. That's why I always go to bed with my hair under a pair of nylon bloomers. They make my hairdo last a whole week.

Edna: Oh, Margie, there are so many jokes I could make about that but I am going to do the classy thing and take the high road.

Actually, my favorite bedtime ritual doesn't have anything to do with beauty care. I always keep a stack of books on my nightstand, and I like to read a bit of a good novel before going to sleep. It's a soothing way to unwind at the end of a busy day, and my dreams are always sweeter if I've read for at least a few minutes before falling asleep.

Margie: Reading before bed is a sweet treat without sugar, sister. I adore a good book. Books are also a beauty aid because they help you relax which makes for fewer wrinkles.

Edna: You said it, Margie. You know, I wonder if our readers might want to share some of their nightly rituals with us?

Margie: Oh let's ask them, Edna. That'd be fun!

Margie and Edna's Beauty Tips

Edna: Margie, I don’t know why you’re showing me these beauty tips, it’s not like I need them. You, on the other hand…

To keep your eyes from blinking when applying make-up, try keeping your mouth open. It really works!

Margie: You shouldn't have a problem with this one, Edna, since your mouth is always open and your tongue is always wagging.

Edna: Margie, if that’s not the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is.

VODKA & LEMON will tone up tired skin. Dab ¼ cup Vodka and the juice from one lemon on face, neck and chest area with cotton. It is not necessary to rinse this mixture off. It will evaporate. The less rubbing, the better.

Edna: Seems like a waste of perfectly good vodka to me.

CAFFEINE is the main ingredient in those expensive cellulite creams. Your regular caffeinated coffee grounds (used from this morning) can be rubbed into those annoying cellulite areas. Since this can get a bit messy, try doing it in the bathtub or shower.

Margie: Edna, if you put coffee grounds in my bathtub I will rub your ugly face in them too.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP — take two Garlic Tablets and two Papaya Enzymes before every meal. You can lose up to 5 pounds in one week.

Edna: Are you trying to imply that I need to lose weight, you old hag?

JELL-O (cherry flavored powder) — dab a Q-tip into the powder and apply it to your lips. Let the powder sit for 5 minutes then lick it off. This will give your lips a natural red coat.

Edna: I tried this the other day, and the mailman told me I looked fresh and sweet as a daisy. He said I tasted good, too.

Margie: Edna, the mailman is a habitual liar.