Why?

Margie: Edna, you always brag about how smart you are and how you could have joined MENSA. Here's your chance to prove it. I'm going to ask you two questions. Let's see just how smart you are.

Here's the first one, nitwit. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Edna: Good Lord, Margie, why are you asking me these questions before I've even had my Geritol? Fine, if you absolutely must have an answer, then I'd say they get into those enclosed light fixtures by sheer determination alone. Or maybe they're suicidal, how the heck should I know?

Margie: Lying liar. I knew you wouldn't know. Look at this everybody- Edna lies about how she could be in MENSA. I think I'll call them and tell them you're making them look back.

Do you want one more chance to answer a question before I dub you the Eternal Nitwit?

Edna: What I want is an apology, you cabbage head. Go ahead and ask your second question, but I reserve the right to refuse to answer.

Margie: Question two for the fruit loop coming up.

Edna, why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Edna: That's an easy one, it's because it would get tangled up in the vines as he swung from tree to tree. Who's the fruit loop now, you old crow?

Margie: Lord a mercy, Edna, you're dumb as a stump. I suppose you think he went to Wal-Mart of the jungle and bought razors?

Edna: I'm not the one sitting around all day thinking up these idiot questions. Kiss my grits, you moron.

Margie and Edna’s Favorite Things

Edna: Margie, I was reading this nice young man’s blog today, and it got me to thinking. Some cake company sent him all this free stuff because he said in a magazine how much he liked their product. Do you think we’re famous enough that if we say we like something on our blog, some corporation will send us some swag?

Margie: Well, we are famous enough.

Edna: I think it’s worth a try. We should send them a letter.

Margie: Write it, Edna.

+++++++++++

Dear Corporate America,

We are two very famous bloggers, and we have a lot of friends. When we like something, we tell people. Please see our list below of our favorite things. We would appreciate it if you could send us a lifetime supply of everything on our list. Trust us, you’ll get a lot of free advertising because we talk to everyone, whether they want to talk to us or not.

Our Favorite Things:

1. Oreos
2. Dr. Pepper
3. Neutrogena RainBath
4. Hershey Kisses
5. Redken Clear Moisture Hair Care
6. Wal-Mart gift cards
7. Free books from amazon.com
8. Charmin
9. Bounty paper towels
10. Paula Deen Cookware



Thank you.

Yours very truly,

Redneck Relatives

Mama was a refined, gracious lady but that did not exempt her from having kin that embarrassed her.

Cousin Billie Jo is the daughter of Mama's baby sister. Poor Mama always said she couldn't understand how such an uncouth brood existed.

Cousin Billie Jo married John Rayburn Brummitt who is a kindly man but a drunkard. Mama once asked Billie Jo if John Rayburn drank and Billie Jo said, "Only when he's thirsty."

***********************

Margie: Edna, I got a letter from Cousin Billie Jo in Tennessee. You want to help me answer it?

Edna: Margie, you are welcome to answer that letter yourself if you have the time. Besides, I'm not speaking to Cousin Billie Jo since she called me wanting bail money, and then didn't even send a thank you note after it was wired!

Margie: Bail money? You never told me that!

Edna: What, you think I tell you everything? Just read the letter already, I don't have all day.
*************************************

Dear Cousin Margie,

This here's yor cousin billie jo. I got youn's letter t'day and wuz glad to hear from youn's. That Edna always was a pistol ball. Ain't she? I told all the folks bout her-whatcha said n all bout her and them there town fellas.

Wish y'all could come see us. Been a long while since we seed youn's. John Rayburn's been tending to the farm as aways. Always sumthin to do round this here place.

John jr. dun gone and signed up to go to the army. Said he's had enuff schooling. Alma Jean got herself hitched down to the walmark parking lot. them walmark folks is nice They said we could have the weddin'doings down there seein how alma jean works for em and all. she was perty and a good time was had by all. we did miss yor special tea tho, Margie.

After the weddin' seems like the whole town showed up for dinner. smoked a pig all night before and made turnip greens. that was some fine pot likker. Oh, the girls from the Sunday school pulled out all the stops. They brung ever kind of them casseroles you kin imagine. Tater salad and beet pickles, and one of them kilt and fried 12 chickens.

Cousin Hershel snuck in some hooch & we all said we thunk of you & cousin edna.

Hear's a pitcher of John rayburn, hershel, and john junior.

Rite me back, Margie, and tell Edna we may come see youn's & bring the whole busload of kin with us.

love,
billie jo