The Lemon Gooey Butter Cake Debacle

Margie: Edna, Mrs. Pastor called this morning and asked how I'm doing. She's so sweet. I told her I'm a little weak because you wouldn't fix my breakfast.

Look what she brought me while you got your bath.

Edna: Margie, I never thought I'd see the day where you'd lie to the wife of a man of God! I did so fix you breakfast, you just refused to eat it. It's not my fault that the doctor won't let you have brown sugar on your oatmeal any more.

That was nice of her to bring you a cake but I consider that ill-gotten goods. You call her right now and tell her to come get it and take it back home with her. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Margie: Edna, it's all gone. So is the milk. Could you go to the store, sister?

Edna: After you slandered me to Mrs. Pastor? Not on your life.

Oh, and I'm calling the doctor right now and telling him all about that cake you just ate, so I hope it was worth it.

Margie: Edna, have you forgotten how Daddy said nothing is worse than a tattle tale? You have no respect.

Edna: That's okay, the doctor will be able to tell you haven't been minding him the next time he checks your cholesterol. Then we'll see who has the last laugh.

Margie: Kiss my... grits, hussy.

Eat What You Want

Margie: Edna, today is a holiday. Yes, it's Eat What You Want Day. I know that today is not intended to mean you eat as much as you want. Rather, the goal is to eat something you otherwise wouldn't have. Well, that's a dumb holiday so I say let's eat as much as we want.

What would you like to eat today, Edna?

Edna: Well, I'm not an adventurous eater, so I definitely don't cotton to eating something I haven't before. I have spent my life avoiding strange foods, thank you very much. But Margie, I don't know about eating as much as I want of something, either. My digestive system just can't handle that kind of abuse these days.

So maybe I'll just eat something fun for me, but in moderation. That would have to be chocolate mousse--my lands, I sure do love that stuff! What about you, Margie, what are you going to eat?

Margie: Edna, you will never grow up. I've never seen such a big baby. There is nothing strange in this life but you.

Well, Cousin T said he's bringing over a mess of catfish so I found this Paula Deen recipe that I'm making.

You'll never guess what else I'm making, Edna. It'll make your mouth water.

Edna: First of all, don't you start with me, you're the one who said this was a dumb holiday! I was just going along with you and making conversation.

You can make your stupid catfish and whatever else you want for Cousin T, I'm sure he'll love it, that boy will eat anything. As for me, I'm sticking with my chocolate mousse. At least I know that won't give me the ptomaine poisoning like your lasagna did last month.

You may as well tell our readers what else you're making. They're more willing to tolerate your hot air than I am, bless their hearts.

Margie: Lord, help me stop myself from strangling this nitwit. Edna, you won't admit it but you know good and well that Mama made a dessert you loved pert near better than chocolate.

I wouldn't dream of offering you any so Cousin T and I will eat in the kitchen and we'd appreciate it if you'd go eat your moose in your room. I never have liked wild game.

Edna: "Wild game"? And you call ME a nitwit?

Margie: Oh good, Edna, you heard me. Yes, nitwit, dimwit, fruit loop. I'm going to my room before I slug you.

Edna: Big baby.

The Secret's in the Sauce

Image courtesy of Duke University Libraries Digital Collections

Edna: Margie, with Thanksgiving coming up, people's minds seem to be on what they're going to serve for dinner. Why, just the other day, Darcy Hawkins asked me for my cranberry sauce recipe.

Margie: Edna, I hope you didn't give it to her since you're no cook. If you made cranberry sauce you'd only do it to spite me. I hate that stuff.

Edna: More for me, then. And you can just hush up about my cranberry sauce, I'll have you know that it's always in demand at church suppers.

It did give me pause when she asked for the recipe though, since I never wrote it down. I cook like Mama did, from memory and by improvising. Here's what I came up with for Darcy, I hope it turns out well for her.

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Edna's Cranberry Sauce

1 12-ounce bag fresh cranberries, rinsed
3/4 cup water
1/4 cup orange juice
1/2 cup sugar (more or less to taste)
1 cup grated apple
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
orange zest (if desired)

In Corningware or enamel saucepan, combine the water and OJ. Using medium heat, stir the sugar into the liquid until it's dissolved. Add the washed cranberries to the mixture and turn heat on high. Stirring the berries occasionally, listen for the berries to start popping--this should take about 10 minutes or so. Once the berries begin to pop, stir the mixture occasionally and cook for about 5-10 minutes over high heat. (Cook for longer if you want the berries to break down more and your sauce to be thicker; the less you cook them, the more the berries keep their shape and consistency and the thinner your sauce is. However, if you are going to cook the sauce for more than 10 minutes, reduce the heat to medium to prevent scorching.) After you have cooked the cranberries as long as you want, remove from heat and add the apples and the walnuts (and orange zest, if desired). Let the sauce stand for about an hour before putting it in the refrigerator to chill, preferably overnight. Do not store in a metal container due to the high acid content of the sauce.

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Margie: Edna, you sully Mama's memory because she was a wonderful cook. What you call cooking would only be fit for pig slop.

You know what? It's not in demand at church suppers. People are just being mannerly to an old lady by taking some.

Edna: I suppose they were being mannerly by eating it all and coming back for seconds, too? Well that's just fine Margie, you don't have to eat any of my cranberry sauce when I make it for Thanksgiving dinner. Cousin T and will eat it all ourselves. Don't you think I'll share any of that pecan pie I'm making, either.

Margie: Thank you, Edna. That's right kindly of you.

The very first Girl Scout

Edna: Margie, look here at what's in the newspaper. It says that tomorrow is Juliette Gordon Low's birthday. Do you know who that is?

Margie: Is that the woman who bakes those nice Girl Scout cookies? I do wish I had a few boxes of those. I'm hungry.

Edna: Check the freezer, we had a box of Thin Mints stashed in there the last time I looked.

And no, she's not the one who bakes the cookies. She founded the Girl Scouts of America back in 1912. It says here that she was very artistic, loved pets, and had a great sense of humor. She sounds like our kind of lady, don't you think?

Margie: Oh, she does sound like us. Edna, didn't you join the Girl Scouts once? I tried to join the Boy Scouts you know. I was a young lady ahead of my time.

Edna: You were a young hussy, is what you were. No, I didn't join the Girl Scouts because we didn't have a local chapter and Daddy wouldn't take me all the way to Wichita for the weekly meetings. I wanted to, though. It always sounded like fun, with the camping and the singing.

Margie, we should go on a road trip and go visit Mrs. Low's birthplace over in Savannah, GA. The house is a National Historic Landmark, you know.

Margie: That's a fine idea. Let's ask Cousin T to drive us. We'll go by that Paula Deen's restaurant and eat like pigs.

Edna: Sounds like a plan, sister!

Margie and Edna’s Favorite Things

Edna: Margie, I was reading this nice young man’s blog today, and it got me to thinking. Some cake company sent him all this free stuff because he said in a magazine how much he liked their product. Do you think we’re famous enough that if we say we like something on our blog, some corporation will send us some swag?

Margie: Well, we are famous enough.

Edna: I think it’s worth a try. We should send them a letter.

Margie: Write it, Edna.

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Dear Corporate America,

We are two very famous bloggers, and we have a lot of friends. When we like something, we tell people. Please see our list below of our favorite things. We would appreciate it if you could send us a lifetime supply of everything on our list. Trust us, you’ll get a lot of free advertising because we talk to everyone, whether they want to talk to us or not.

Our Favorite Things:

1. Oreos
2. Dr. Pepper
3. Neutrogena RainBath
4. Hershey Kisses
5. Redken Clear Moisture Hair Care
6. Wal-Mart gift cards
7. Free books from amazon.com
8. Charmin
9. Bounty paper towels
10. Paula Deen Cookware



Thank you.

Yours very truly,

Edna Makes Cupcakes

Edna: Margie, I’m so glad that Mr. Hawkins gave us this computer and that the Internet is back up and running. I’ve found so many wonderful new recipes to try! I wanted to make some cupcakes for Allison and Sam Hawkins, and I thought I’d take some to Deputy Jimmy’s two little ones as well. Here, try this cupcake, what do you think?

Margie: Edna, I hope this cupcake is not one of the ones you dropped on the floor. Ack. Spittt. Good Lord, Edna, there's enough oil in here to fry 4 chickens.

Edna: Well pardon me, Julia Child! I got the recipe from here. It’s from some woman named Paula Deen, I hear she’s over in Georgia. I don’t know how they’ve been faring for supplies over where she is, but all I have to say is that I wouldn’t have been able to make this recipe if we hadn’t been able to use our chickens to barter with down at the dairy farm. My lands, did you see the frosting recipe? Who does she think is going to have a pound of cream cheese just lying around these days? Well, besides us, that is.

Margie: Edna, we do love our cream cheese, don't we? I remember my second husband... never mind.

Edna: Margie, hush up, I’m still talking. Thank goodness for Trish at J&R. That sweetheart managed to find me some real vanilla extract, not that cheap imitation nonsense. I suppose I’d better take her a few cupcakes too. Good thing that Mr. Goetz is gone, he was most definitely the type to steal someone’s cupcakes.

Margie: Edna, looks like a few are missing now. Has Deputy Jimmy already been here?

Edna: Margie, you put those cupcakes down, I know where the missing cupcakes went. I won’t have any left to give away if you keep eating them!

Margie: I'm eating them so my friends don't have to suffer. Where's the Nuts?

Edna: Margie, I've had enough of you, I'm taking these cupcakes over to the Taylors before you eat them all.

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Beth's note: I did really make these cupcakes, so Edna isn't just blowing hot air. They're extremely tasty and very rich, and my co-workers loved them. But, they do seem to have just a bit too much oil in them; if I make them again, I'm going to either try to cut down on the oil (it calls for 1 and 1/2 cups!) or use half oil and half an alternative source (applesauce, maybe?). Also, I found that the frosting recipe made an insane amount of frosting, I only used half of it. If any of you have made this recipe before, please let me know what you thought of it.