Sunday Funnies

Sunday Funnies

Margie and Edna: Dating

Margie: Edna, I'm hiring a lawyer today. I'm suing the Jericho Messenger then I'm suing Jericho Kindred Spirits dating service. They said "discover our soul mate or life's companion." They lied. You know why I'm suing?

Edna: Because you're a contrary old hag who isn't happy until all those around you are miserable?

Margie: Look at this picture of the man I thought was my soul mate. What did yours look like?



Edna: Well, my gentleman sent me this really lovely picture of himself, so I was very excited.




Edna: Here's who showed up for the date.



Margie: Look at who really showed up for my date.




Margie: We'd better stick to finding our gentlemen at Bailey's.

Edna's Dating Profile

Jericho Kindred Spirits: Looking for that special someone? We bring the singles of Jericho together. Discover your soul mate or life's companion. Join now and submit your profile to find your special someone.

Name: Edna
Ht.: 5'4"
Wt.: That’s between my General Practitioner and me.
Eye color: Blue
Hair: Blonde
Sex: 100% lady
Occupation: Keeping an eye on my wayward sister takes up most of my time, I don’t have the energy to work too.
Marital status: Currently single and looking for that special someone.
Religion: That’s between my higher power and me.
Age: I plead the Fifth.
Hobbies: Baking, cooking, crocheting, embroidery, and shooting pool.

Please answer these questions in detail:

1. Modesty is a virtue.

Edna: That’s not a question, but I’ll answer it anyway. I do believe that modesty is a virtue, and I practice it at all times. I’m modest and virtuous, and don’t let my evil sister tell you any differently.

2. It is irritating to be told what to do.

Edna: Goodness, it surely is. I’ve been told what to do by my older sister all my life, and I surely won’t tolerate it in a romantic partner, I don’t care if you do have all your teeth and hair.

3. It is alright to ignore laws that don't make sense.

Edna: Heavens no! I obey all the laws, even the ones that don’t make sense. Just ask Deputy Jimmy and Mr. Hawkins.

4. What kind of partner are you looking for?

Edna: I’m looking for a good listener and a man who’s light on his feet. A good sense of humor is a must. I’d prefer it if he lives as far away from Jericho, KS as possible, as I wouldn’t mind putting some miles between myself and my sister.

5. Are there any qualities in a partner that you will not tolerate?

Edna: No smokers, and he must have full control of his bladder. Beyond that, I’m pretty tolerant.

6. Describe your perfect partner.

Edna: Someone who’s smart, funny, and can dance and hold his liquor. He should think I’m the center of the universe, even (and especially) when my sister is in the room. And he should be able to pick locks, because if he’s handsome my sister will surely try to lock him in the basement.

7. Is there anything you would like to add that we haven't asked?

Edna: Well, I can’t imagine what you haven’t asked, since you all are the nosiest bunch I’ve ever seen. I know my sister has applied to you all as well, so please don’t send us the same dates. That could get quite confusing.

I’m including a picture of myself to post on your website. Maybe that will help your gentlemen members decide.

Thank you,
Edna

Margie Makes A Profile

One morning, while Edna was bathing, Margie opened the Jericho Messenger to read the obituaries. Before she could read the first one her eyes fell upon an ad that grabbed her attention. It said: Now Open Jericho Kindred Spirits. Looking for that special someone? We bring the singles of Jericho together. Discover your soul mate or life's companion. Join now and submit your profile to find your special someone.

What happened next:

Name: Margie
Ht.: 5'7"
Wt.: 120
Eye color: Pretty blue
Hair: Brunette
Sex: None of your business
Occupation: Blogger
Marital status: This needs changing. You're too nosy.
Religion: Is this like going to church? Mine blew up.
Age: I could sue you for asking.
Hobbies: I like gardening, cooking, drinking tea, cleaning my basement, and going to Bailey's.

Please answer these questions in detail:
1. Modesty is a virtue.
Margie: I suppose so but not in every situation. I'm modest around my sister because she's jealous of my girlish figure.

2. It is irritating to be told what to do.
Margie: Yes, it is. My sister does that all the time. I just tune her out.

3. It is alright to ignore laws that don't make sense.
Margie: Why, yes, it is. My in-laws were horrid people so I ignored them all the time.

4. What kind of partner are you looking for?
Margie: I like most any man if he's tall, handsome, has money, and likes basement work.

5. Are there any qualities in a partner that you will not tolerate?
Margie: Yes, I don't want a man that drinks liquor unless it's my Special Tea and I don't like gambling men.

6. Describe your perfect partner.
Margie: I like a manly man like a cowboy. I used to like it when they whispered in my ear but I don't hear so good anymore. I like a strong man who treats me like the lady I am. I really prefer dark hair & eyes like those Eyetalian men have.

7. Is there anything you would like to add that we haven't asked?
Margie: Don't send any old men and I don't want any man from New Bern. Those men are Nuts. I like Mr. Hawkins but he's married to my friend, Darcy. I'm not a man stealer like my sister is. Speaking of Edna, send her a man too. She's so sharp-tongued that he won't last long but I don't need long to get my callers to the basement.
Here's my picture, cowboy. Thank you, Margie