The fake birthday

Edna: Margie, come in here for a moment, I think you have some explaining to do.

Margie: What do you want? I'm resting. My tummy hurts.

Edna: I just bet it does, I saw the huge slice you took out of that chocolate cake I baked for the Ladies Auxiliary meeting tonight! But that's not what I want to ask you about. I want you to explain this big pile of presents on the front porch, all with your name on them. What kind of nonsense have you been up to now?

Margie: I didn't touch your cake. Presents? On the porch? Maybe Santa's memory is going and he brought my presents early. Let me open them and I'll figure it out.

Edna: You stop right there, I'm not done with you yet. First of all, you've got frosting on your face so I know you're lying about the cake. Second of all, are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me about how these presents got here?

Margie: I didn't lie, I didn't touch it. Not with my hands anyway.

Well, I did hear a rumor that one of the ladies insisted my birthday is tomorrow so they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them it's not.

Edna: Oh please. If you think I believe that you told them not to give you presents, then you need your head examined. You bamboozled those poor folks and let them think your birthday is tomorrow when you know darn well that's a lie. And I know for a fact that you handed out an itemized gift list to all the ladies in town. Mrs. Pastor showed me her copy when she came over earlier to drop off her present; you even signed it, you idiot!

Unless you want me to call Deputy Jimmy and have you arrested for extortion, you'll get on the phone right this minute and admit to everyone what you did.

Margie: I'll do no such thing. Unlike you, I'm not going to hurt their feelings. They wanted to give me presents so you tend to your own business.

Unless you'd like me to tell Mrs. Pastor about that night you spent in Reno.

Edna: Well, you just added slander to your list of chargeable offenses. Keep it up and they'll send you to the hoosegow for the rest of your natural-born days.

Besides, you can't prove anything about my visit to Reno, so you just mind your Ps and Qs.

Margie: Look at this smutty picture. I have copies. Presents for me or copies for the ladies????

Edna: You know as well as I do that pictures can be doctored, you lying liar! But I'm tired of arguing with you so let's make a deal: you get rid of those pictures and I'll let you keep one or two of those presents. Deal?

Margie: The deal is you give me that cake, I open all my presents, and you can have this picture. I'm off to get more cake. Toodles.


Clip art courtesy of DailyClipArt.net

Our Christmas- Part I

Margie: Edna, our tree sure looks skimpy this year.

Edna: Margie, I think it looks just lovely.

Margie: Well, I never saw so many nuts on a tree. And look at that corn.

Edna: There's one nut in this room that isn't on the tree, and I'm looking at her. I think it's a pretty tree: the glitter on the peanuts was a nice touch.

Do you remember the nice Christmases we had when we were girls?

Margie: Yes. Mama always made her Molasses cake. She knew it was my favorite.

Edna: That's not why she made it, you selfish thing. She made it because she knew it was the best cake she made, and she knew that it put Mrs. Richmond's cake to shame every year at the Christmas bazaar.

Margie: Mama said Mrs. Richmond made her cakes from leather batter.

Edna: I know she did, and she was right. Mrs. Richmond was a lovely woman, but she couldn't bake a decent cake to save her life.

Margie: I can just see the sideboard lined up with Mama's turnips and beet pickles. What do you remember?

Edna: I remember how she used to make spiced apple dumplings, I sure do miss those. I never could make them the way Mama did. I also remember Daddy stuffing his face on all of Mama's good cooking.

Margie: Edna, remember when Daddy told you not to make unpleasant sounds at the table?

Edna: I do remember, and I also remember how you were the one making the unpleasant sounds, and blaming it on me. You always did love to get me in trouble.

Margie: Edna, I was the one who put salt instead of sugar in Daddy's coffee.

Edna: I knew it! I couldn't sit down for a week after I got punished for that. Do you remember how Mama used to remind us about our table manners?

Margie: Yes. Mama always told us to be sweet tempered. That wasn't you.

Edna: That wasn't you, either. You used to pick your teeth at the table, and oh how Daddy would yell!

Margie: My Daddy never yelled you old shrew.

Edna: I remember what I remember, and you can't tell me different. I also remember how much Mama loved having good food prepared for all the friends and neighbors who would stop by the house. Do you remember that, Margie?

Margie: I do remember all our visitors. Mama said she invited the Greens because she wasn't going there and have to drink Mrs. Green's muddy coffee.

Edna: Well, not everyone had the magic touch with food like Mama did. Do you remember how she used to say that " Ill-prepared food provokes ill-humor" so everything had to be just right.

Margie: She sure did. She was right too. That's why we're good cooks today.

Edna: Well, I know I’m a good cook. Everything you make tastes like vinegar. That must be your ill-humor coming through.


Part II tomorrow.