Dancing with the elderly

Edna:  You know, in my day, I could really turn heads out on the dance floor but I'm just not that flexible any more.  I don't know how this lady in Ohio does it, but she's still doing splits at 94 years old!  Gosh, I hope she takes Boniva or something, you could really break a hip that way.

Margie: You turned heads for sure because your partners always yelled when you smashed their toes!

Boniva? She'd best have a few stiff drinks before she dances. I'm no fool so I'll just sit here and watch TV dancing.

Edna:  At least she's brave enough to get out there and dance at her age.  When was the last time you did something unexpected for your age, Margie?  Oh wait, you act like a floozy all the time so I guess I have my answer.

National Nursing Home Week

Margie: Edna and I would like to encourage everyone to participate in National Nursing Home Week. It won't cost a dime and you'll feel better by simply visiting a nursing home patient. You don't have to know them and they don't have to be a relative or friend. It will only take a few minutes of your time.

Be sure to thank the staff also. They do a wonderful job and they're overworked and underpaid.

Edna:  And don't forget to smile, you know all those old folks would love to see a cheerful face. Even Margie tries her best to look sweet and kind when she goes visiting at the nursing home.  If that sourpuss can do it, so can you!    

Visiting at the senior center

Margie: Edna, I went visiting over to the nursing home today and I'm sure glad I did. I don't think people are grateful enough for their health and mental well-being so everyone should visit the elderly sometimes.

I was ashamed of myself for complaining so much because those elderly folks can get in bad shape. Sister, it wouldn't hurt you to pay a visit there then you might quit being so grumpy.

Edna: Margie, you're the reason I'm grumpy and that's the truth. Still, you're right in that it wouldn't hurt to go visiting at the old folks home. You and I have each other, but some of those people have family who planted them there and then forgot about them. Now that's just a crying shame. I think they'd like to see a smiling face like mine every now and then, don't you?

Margie: Edna, I'm sorry to say that they probably would be glad to see even your ugly mug. Just try not to scare them.

Edna: And this is why you drive a body crazy. I try and have a serious conversation with you and all you can do is insult me. At least if I go visit the elderly, they won't argue with me and say mean things.

Margie: You're right, sister, so I'll call and reserve you a room right now.

Edna: Fine by me, you harpy.  As long as you don't come visit.

Aging gracefully

Margie: Edna, I was watching this young lady on TV last night and she said she's terrified of growing older. The nitwit may as well accept the fact that age is a part of life.

Anyway, I'm very grateful to have had a long life and I was thinking that age has its advantages. Look at my breakfast, Edna, and tell me how nice it is that we can have dessert for breakfast. What do you like about getting older, sister?

Edna: I like that I can wear my purple muumuu to the supermarket and no one will say boo. I also like that I'm older then every doctor now, so if they give me advice I don't like I can just tell them I'm older than them and I know better.

Margie: Edna, do you mean that purple muumuu that makes you look like a cow?

That's a good idea about the doctor. I also like the fact that we can say whatever we like and people can like it or lump it. An old lady can get by with saying most anything.

Edna: I also like that my hearing is going a bit so that whenever you talk to me, you sound like one of the grown-ups in a Charlie Brown cartoon. My eyesight is getting a little fuzzy too, which means I don't have to watch the disgusting way you eat your stewed prunes every evening. It's enough to turn one's stomach.

It used to be that people opened doors for older ladies, but I don't see much of that anymore. Which means that if someone doesn't open the door for me, I feel justified in giving them a good whack with my purse. Clearly their mamas didn't whack enough good manners into them in the first place.

Margie: What's that you say, Edna? Oh, I heard your gums flapping and your dentures clacking.

I can only hope that you try to whack somebody and your purse boomerangs and knocks you into Kingdom Come.

Sex and the Senior Citizen

Edna: Margie, our good friend Carmen at Carmen's Chronicles suggested an unusual blog topic for today's post. I do think we're going to have to tread lightly, it's a bit of a delicate subject. In fact, it's really not a topic for mixed company, I'm not sure what that young lady was thinking.

Margie: Lord a mercy, Edna, what's the world coming to these days? What is so delicate about sex and senior citizens? They just can't do all those contortions like they did when they were young. I'd like to see you try to climb up in that barn loft today.

Edna: I should have known you'd like this topic, what with all the smut and whatnot you parade around our blog. You know good and well that Mama raised us to keep bedroom business in the bedroom. But if you and Carmen insist we talk about this, I suppose we can come up with a few tips for the elderly who, er, want to get down to business.

1. Make sure that if you attempt anything where flexibility is needed, one or both of your hips have already been replaced. If you try some of those maneuvers listed in books with your original hips, you could end up having to tell a very embarrassing story to the EMTs.

2. Educate yourself about diseases and protection, the world is a much dirtier place than when we were young. Don't be like these old fools down in Florida, who didn't have the good sense to know how to avoid catching one of them ess-tee-dees. Folks, just remember that a retirement community is not a euphemism for "swinger's club."

3. If you're going to do the horizontal mambo with another senior citizen, make sure you both keep your hearing aids turned on. No need to wake the neighbors with your high-volume pillow talk. Getting a knock on the door from the police because someone's reported you for disturbing the peace can ruin the mood right quick.

4. Carmen, it's not nice to tell a gentleman to take 2 Viagra at once because it could make his heart give out. You wouldn't want to explain that scenario to anybody would you?

5. Edna says to keep your bedroom business in the bedroom. Margie says to try many other places besides the bedroom. Just watch for carpet burns. That hurts.